To have left my boyfriend asleep in bed, and driven home in the middle of the night because I couldn't get to sleep at his house?

[MrsBetsyTrotwood]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about eight lovely months and so far it's going really well. We get on amazingly, like the same things, have the same sense of humour and have lots of fun. He treats me so nicely.
But we just have totally different sleep styles. He likes to fall asleep with a lamp on, while listening to something, I need total darkness and quiet.
I've asked him nicely if we can have the light off and he's turned it off which I know he doesn't like, and I feel bad asking him not to watch something on his phone too since it's his house, so he doesn't know I hate it. He sleeps deeply and falls asleep quickly so usually I just lean over him and turn it off, or wait for it to end before I go to sleep.
He sometimes does this thing though where he wakes in the night, presses play on his phone and goes back to sleep, and then doesn't remember having done that.
Tonight, I wanted for his thing to finish, then just as I was drifting off, he presses play again and goes back to sleep. Then his bloody dog started moving about, clattering his paws on the laminate floor, chewing something and scratching. Every time it stopped, I would drift off and it would start again. Then bf turns his thing back on again seemingly in his sleep, then the dog jumps onto the bed, realises I'm there and there's no room, jumps back off again and goes back to chewing his toy and grunting. Then BF starts snoring. And I really wanted a window open for a bit of breeze.
It was almost midnight by this point, and I thought sod it. I was tired. We'd had the loveliest long hike with the dog today followed by a massive dinner and I just wanted sleep. I jumped back in my car and drove home and I can't tell you how nice it is to be back in my own familiar bed, in the dark and quiet., and all to myself.
I feel so bad as waking up together in the morning is so so nice and snuggly. He brings me tea in bed and we just cuddle and watch TV and he cooks me breakfast. I sent a text saying I was so sorry but I just couldn't sleep and I'd come straight back in the morning but it's not the same as waking up and having a lie in together.
Is it possible to get used to sharing a bed again after being so used to your own habits? And is my relationship doomed if I can't even sleep next to him?
And can I tell him to change everything he's used to and banish his dog who I love and has always slept there? Because I don't feel I can

I wear an eye mask sometimes - it’s a really decent one. No light comes in if you buy a proper one. I’m not saying it’ll solve anything but worth a try investing and see if it helps a little?

Eye mask for you and ear buds for him should solve the problem.
Not sure which eye mask you’ve tried but mine makes it pitch black. It’s by the brand myhalos and I often go to sleep before my DH and can’t see a thing through it.

That's a good solution OP.
Could there be some way of making the dog less disturbing? Maybe if you made a sort of 'next to me' bed for him beside DP, at pillow height? It might stop him getting on the bed, and if he did, he would be stepping on to DP's side rather than jumping on yours.

Would the dog sleep in a big crate next to the bed? This is what we did with our very needy dog. We would let him go to sleep on the bed then gently transfer him to his crate (like moving a sleeping baby). He was a small dog however so might not work if he has some sort of enormous hound.

How old are you both @MrsBetsyTrotwood ?

This. I love my husband. But I also love 2 duvets, no one coming in or going to the loo just as I am dropping off. And if I wake in the night being able to read myself back to sleep is wonderful.

I struggle to sleep with DH he likes to have music on to get to sleep and snores regularly. I bought some silicone ears plugs from home bargains. I only put one in my left ear and sleep on might right side. It really works

I was going to suggest a snoozeband, glad he's willing to try it!

You both sound like nice people. Sleep is tricky - it's so important, and hard when your sleep styles are incompatible. You will get used to each other with time and compromise (or you won't, and you'll find a solution where you have separate sleep spaces, which lots of couples do).

Sleep is important so you did nothing wrong.

I think YABU because midnight is hardly late, you would have dropped off to sleep eventually.

Ear plugs were a game changer for me. As a compromise, could he set the music on a timer then leave his phone out of reach?

Just read your update OP and he sounds lovely. Stick with it and get that mask and earplugs and see if that helps

I wonder if he can get a put me up bed next to his side of the bed for the dog?

I am 28, he's 33.

I haven't had a partner since my DD's dad left me while pregnant at 22. We have 50/50 custody.

He hasn't had a partner since he came out of the army 8 years ago and found out his gf he's been with since school had been shagging her way around his mates every time he was on deployment. He was pretty traumatised by losing his friends and his girlfriend in one go plus the stuff he went through in the army, moved away from the village he grew up in to a city, bought the flat on his own and has been having some therapy and now feels ready for a relationship again.

We've been trying to take it very very slow these past 8 months but we're crazy about each other and both want a future so I am anxious we get it right. Neither of us want to be hurt again.

You both need to compromise a bit, or accept that you are simply incompatible.

Sorry, you didn't ask for our life stories 🤣

I second the Myhalo eyemask. I work a really early shift so need to sleep in the day and it's brilliant. I'm a side sleeper and it's still really comfortable and pitch black. Honestly @MrsBetsyTrotwood , give one a go and persist with it. When I was younger I couldn't tolerate a mask and eyeplugs but then started shiftwork and needed something as neighbours were up and about doing normal things. It's amazing how quickly you get used to them when needs must.

It's so lovely to hear that your fella has ordered a headphone headband thing, and is taking you seriously. Quite heartwarming when you read all the other selfish stories on here. You sound to have got a good 'un there.

I would also suggest a side sleeper for the dog, that way he can get up close to his person, on his side, so should disturb you less. You are lovely to think of him and not immediately be demanding he goes elsewhere like some posters would have you do. At 14, he's not likely to be around for much longer, so it's kind of you to consider his needs too.

You sound like a lovely pair and I hope you can work this issue out.

Glad you guys managed to have a grown up conversation about it rather than it becoming a massive thing. So it sounds sensible re the earphones and the light going off.

I would say it's worth trying more on the earplugs for the dog issue, because I never thought I could get used to either an eye mask or ear plugs and I now use both.

I have an eye mask that has contoured eyes so it doesn't pull away in the same way to let light deep in round the edges, and and I personally go for foam earplugs, but other members of my family swear by wax and silicone respectively so it's clearly a very personal thing.

My DH and I can’t share a bed. I end up totally sleep deprived and he gets upset at the thought he’s stopping me sleeping.

I stopped staying over a year into our relationship, we’ve been together for 7 years. I sometimes wish it were possible but then when we go on holiday I feel completely upside down from sharing a bed & room with him (he’s up and down all night, walking around the room to the bathroom / checking emails and rolling around restless when he is in bed)

I think you both just have to be realistic about it. Also remember people who had the money to used to sleep separately from their spouses back in the day

Your relationship isn’t doomed. We are very happy, it’s only gotten better and better, and I can tell you we a lot happier for having slept well!

edited: instead of saying “be an adult about it” I meant “be realistic” so changed it to that

You both sound very mature and very lovely OP- glad you managed to communicate about it.

Oh and btw, he's not a man baby, he's a grown man who takes care of me and is very kind and responsible. He has a lovely home which he keeps spotless and a good job he works hard at. But he is ex military and I think there's some issues there which effect his sleep. He's opening up about this bit by bit but I don't have the full story yet. So please do not judge.

Then please don't drip feed. People aren't judging, they are responding to the information that you posted. If you had included the important info in your OP - that he lives in a studio flat, he has an elderly and traumatised dog that cannot be left alone and (the most important of all) that he is ex-military, probably traumatised from this which affects his sleep habits, responses would have more understanding and empathic. Instead you made him sound like a selfish man-baby, who puts his needs before yours. However, I'm glad that you have been able to communicate about it and are working towards a solution. Ultimately going forward, there's nothing wrong with separate rooms if sleeping habits are completely incompatible.

Ear plugs for you and ear buds for him?

But most people managed to ask for information instead of filling in the blanks with assumptions

I couldn't deal with this.

I have an eye mask and still don't sleep the same as when it's actually dark. I can't bear sleeping in ear plugs as I'm a side sleeper and they dig in.

I'd say if the relationship makes it long term, he either needs to stop with the music, phone and light, or accept separate rooms. I know loads of people separate rooms work really well for!

I knew the younger generation were glued to their phones, but even when sleeping? Fuck me, the planet is doomed.