To have left my boyfriend asleep in bed, and driven home in the middle of the night because I couldn't get to sleep at his house?

[MrsBetsyTrotwood]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about eight lovely months and so far it's going really well. We get on amazingly, like the same things, have the same sense of humour and have lots of fun. He treats me so nicely.
But we just have totally different sleep styles. He likes to fall asleep with a lamp on, while listening to something, I need total darkness and quiet.
I've asked him nicely if we can have the light off and he's turned it off which I know he doesn't like, and I feel bad asking him not to watch something on his phone too since it's his house, so he doesn't know I hate it. He sleeps deeply and falls asleep quickly so usually I just lean over him and turn it off, or wait for it to end before I go to sleep.
He sometimes does this thing though where he wakes in the night, presses play on his phone and goes back to sleep, and then doesn't remember having done that.
Tonight, I wanted for his thing to finish, then just as I was drifting off, he presses play again and goes back to sleep. Then his bloody dog started moving about, clattering his paws on the laminate floor, chewing something and scratching. Every time it stopped, I would drift off and it would start again. Then bf turns his thing back on again seemingly in his sleep, then the dog jumps onto the bed, realises I'm there and there's no room, jumps back off again and goes back to chewing his toy and grunting. Then BF starts snoring. And I really wanted a window open for a bit of breeze.
It was almost midnight by this point, and I thought sod it. I was tired. We'd had the loveliest long hike with the dog today followed by a massive dinner and I just wanted sleep. I jumped back in my car and drove home and I can't tell you how nice it is to be back in my own familiar bed, in the dark and quiet., and all to myself.
I feel so bad as waking up together in the morning is so so nice and snuggly. He brings me tea in bed and we just cuddle and watch TV and he cooks me breakfast. I sent a text saying I was so sorry but I just couldn't sleep and I'd come straight back in the morning but it's not the same as waking up and having a lie in together.
Is it possible to get used to sharing a bed again after being so used to your own habits? And is my relationship doomed if I can't even sleep next to him?
And can I tell him to change everything he's used to and banish his dog who I love and has always slept there? Because I don't feel I can

Well maybe he should wait until he’s in a better financial condition to afford more than a one room studio
unless you’re going to say it’s a studio in Chelsea

This

Ask your boyfriend to try hypnosis to help him reframe his brain and drop off to sleep without needing lights and sound.

A really good hypnotist should be able to help him do that.

Well he's 33 for one thing so not exactly a 'younger generation'. And for what it's worth I'm in my 40s and I need to have something like an audiobook or video playing for me to sleep. Not because I'm addicted to my phone, but because I have been left with significant sleep issues following my horrendously non-sleeping children and having something playing quietly is one of the only things that helps me fall asleep and stay that way.

Sleep is complicated. It's not a moral failing to find it hard to sleep, or to need scaffolding to make it happen. It's not an indictment of his character - just a practical problem to solve, which OP and her partner are doing by having nice, sensible conversations which show they clearly care for one another.

OP, how about an elevated dog bed next to the bed to help with the dog jumping on / off the bed?

It'd mean the dog still is still sleeping next to, and on the same level as, his human, and so he'd still be able to be close even when the bed is fully occupied.

You can also have them with a ramp or steps which would help as the dog gets older and less mobile.

Example one

Example two

Example three

As for the noise on the floor - a big rug around the bed area would help.

@MrsBetsyTrotwood my partner has some habits that are very different to mine.

What I would suggest is the dog needs to start being trained to settle somewhere else - are his claws in need of a trim at all? Can he have a soft toy or something else for settling overnight?

His phone - it’s left somewhere out of reach once he’s listened to his first thing. Or fully switched off. He can get an alarm
clock if that’s what he needs it for in mornings.

snoring - does he need a nudge to sleep on his side if it’s because he’s on his back? Does he always snore? Is it weight, drink or sleeping position related?

what solutions or compromises can you both make? Do talk to him please - sounds like a decent enough chap.

DH and I are incompatible sleep wise and so we have slept in separate rooms since before we were married (married over 18 yrs now!). I used to feel sad that we didn't fall asleep together and wake together, and snuggling in bed takes a bit more effort because one has to leave to go to their own bed after - but it is so much better than one of us not getting enough sleep.

OP and boyfriend need to decide if the relationship is worth finding a compromise for - my DH and I did and we're now happily married with 3 kids.

The dog is 14! You can’t train him out of that now don’t be daft.

Snoring is a massive problem with my husband if I can't get to sleep he goes in the spare room,obviously not everyone as a spare room have you thought of getting a blow up bed and using the lounge rather than go home

You get used to your little habits I guess

No, his habits of having a light on and his phone blaring are not merely "little habits", they are really fucking selfish.

If he had to listen to something why cant he wear ear buds? (you can specifically get headband type earbuds that are comfortable for sleeping). I would be murderous if my husband put the light and his phone on full blast when I was trying to get to sleep. Even thinking about it makes my blood pressure raise.

If he wont compromise with you at all then I'm afraid I'd end it

I think you both are being honest about why you sleep (or don't) in different conditions. For now, I think you've got to find some compromises to make it work, but if you do decide to move in together permanently, I'd look for somewhere you can have your own bedroom, with a bed that's big enough to accommodate the two of you. That way, you can start out together whenever you like, but decamp to your separate spaces to get good sleep. The dog can continue sleeping with your DP and if you get another one when this one dies, train it not to come into the bedrooms. Good luck!

That resonates 🤣

You can't leave a dog home alone overnight! What if he needed a pee or got an upset stomach while he was shut in?

Great that he’s been good about it and got headphones. Get a rug for the floor and treat the dog to a comfy dog bed.

I struggle with any noise at night so we have separate rooms. Wouldn’t recommend in a shiny new relationship!

I hope it works out for you.
Sleep is very important and not to be dismissed.
You have a child that needs mum rested and well.
I hope things improve with the actions he has taken.

They do sound like a type of sleep anxiety soothers that he uses to help him.
Take your time.

Definitely do not consider another child quickly and before marriage.
You have survived being dumped once while pregnant, which must have been awful.

Your priority needs to be yourself and your daughters security, long before you consider another child with him.

His timeline is not your primary concern.
So many women on MN get left, unmarried, holding a baby, they agreed to have far too quickly, plunging THEM back into the baby stage, again, alone.

Women take the hit with career, pension etc., when they have a child.
Do not be rushed into anything.

Clear cool head is required.
Good luck.

It's definitelty good to iron these differences out early, or find out that you can't actually fix them. I know it's probably a long way into the future, but I assume if you end up living together, it won't be in a studio flat? Personally I don't see a problem with couples having seperate bedrooms for sleeping 😂

You both sound like really nice people so I don't know why others are being so harsh! I have had insomnia for around 20 years and have to have certain podcasts on to soothe me to sleep. The volume is set so they're only just audible to me, DH cannot hear it. The dog sleeps on the bed and DH has been very understanding about this (dog predates husband). You can work around these things.

Suggesting people are babies, or childish, when they've suffered trauma is pretty nasty.

I’ve been married 31 years,my husband still has to listen to a podcast to go to sleep, and as for his snoring , we won’t go there . I used really heavy duty earplugs , orophax, the orange ones from Amazon . They block out I’d say 90% of the noise and I’ve got used to the little bit I can hear and it doesn’t disturb me. A game changer for me .

I think his sleep style is bizarre and quite unusual. Most adults sleep in the dark and quiet not waking up to blare noise. My DH gets annoyed if I go to the loo in the night because it wakes him up. He’d be catatonic if I was playing shit out loud.

Honestly I think he needs to move his phone elsewhere in the room so he doesn’t turn it on. And the light should be off. You might choose to compromise by accepting that the dog is there and may move around. Clearly he can fall asleep no matter what so I don’t see why you should be kept awake.

Your husband can definitely hear it if it’s played out loud…

Ear plugs ffs

I don’t think this is going to work

There’s nothing immature about having been socialised not to have uncomfortable conversations in a relationship. Just as it’s not immature not to be able to deal with the dark and quiet. I would say I was last in the playground when I heard cries of “grow up, that’s so immature” but it seems a common refrain to use it as an insult to gain some kind of superiority here rather that understanding not everyone is like us.

Is the fridge buzzing too. And are there little standby lights on permanently on the TV and everything else. Noise and ANY light is my idea of hell. I sleep separately from snoring/ drinking- water -and -repeatedly- weeing husband because I can't cope ( aged 61) with broken sleep.

If everything else is fine, then I would only move in with him if you can have separate bedrooms.

There is no way that you can sleep together as your habits are so different.