To have left my boyfriend asleep in bed, and driven home in the middle of the night because I couldn't get to sleep at his house?

[MrsBetsyTrotwood]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about eight lovely months and so far it's going really well. We get on amazingly, like the same things, have the same sense of humour and have lots of fun. He treats me so nicely.
But we just have totally different sleep styles. He likes to fall asleep with a lamp on, while listening to something, I need total darkness and quiet.
I've asked him nicely if we can have the light off and he's turned it off which I know he doesn't like, and I feel bad asking him not to watch something on his phone too since it's his house, so he doesn't know I hate it. He sleeps deeply and falls asleep quickly so usually I just lean over him and turn it off, or wait for it to end before I go to sleep.
He sometimes does this thing though where he wakes in the night, presses play on his phone and goes back to sleep, and then doesn't remember having done that.
Tonight, I wanted for his thing to finish, then just as I was drifting off, he presses play again and goes back to sleep. Then his bloody dog started moving about, clattering his paws on the laminate floor, chewing something and scratching. Every time it stopped, I would drift off and it would start again. Then bf turns his thing back on again seemingly in his sleep, then the dog jumps onto the bed, realises I'm there and there's no room, jumps back off again and goes back to chewing his toy and grunting. Then BF starts snoring. And I really wanted a window open for a bit of breeze.
It was almost midnight by this point, and I thought sod it. I was tired. We'd had the loveliest long hike with the dog today followed by a massive dinner and I just wanted sleep. I jumped back in my car and drove home and I can't tell you how nice it is to be back in my own familiar bed, in the dark and quiet., and all to myself.
I feel so bad as waking up together in the morning is so so nice and snuggly. He brings me tea in bed and we just cuddle and watch TV and he cooks me breakfast. I sent a text saying I was so sorry but I just couldn't sleep and I'd come straight back in the morning but it's not the same as waking up and having a lie in together.
Is it possible to get used to sharing a bed again after being so used to your own habits? And is my relationship doomed if I can't even sleep next to him?
And can I tell him to change everything he's used to and banish his dog who I love and has always slept there? Because I don't feel I can

You've already replied to that poster. Thank you, you expressed my point better than I did.

He doesn't sound selfish at all. One conversation, after @MrsBetsyTrotwood left without a word, and he has already ordered headphones and told her he can forego the light. All she needed to do was communicate there was a problem. He's not a mind reader.

It's the default recommendation on Mumsnet for even the most minor infractions 😉

I refreshed the thread and forgot where I was 🤦‍♀️

Humans need dark and quiet to rest and repair. If he can't change his ways it may be time to end it.

I had a boyfriend a bit like this. Wanted music on before he went to bed but in his flat and he had light curtains. My preferred mode is dark and quiet. He asked me to move in, I said as long as you get a snoozeband wear earphones. That worked and I was actually able to sleep with the light curtains (it was a lovely quiet flat). Otherwise I’d have gone down the earplugs and eye mask route. A relative of mine always wears an eye mask and she’s married with kids.

From her update it doesn't sound like she left a note or sent a text.

It'a literally there in her very first post: I sent a text saying I was so sorry but I just couldn't sleep and I'd come straight back in the morning .

She still hates the poor dog though. People who don't like animals shouldn't date people who have animals.

Where does she say she hates the dog? Admitting being disturbed when the dog jumps up on the bed doesn't mean she hates it. It's just a fact. She's actually being totally understanding about the dog:

And can I tell him to change everything he's used to and banish his dog who I love and has always slept there? Because I don't feel I can

The dog has always slept in his bedroom. I don't feel I can ask him to banish his dog

he could consider getting an eye mask that has blue tooth so he can listen to his stuff like that (seen these on Amazon!)

No, no kids, but he wants some
He was planning to propose to his gf when he came out of the army, settle down, buy a house and start a family but that obviously went wrong and now he's 33 and would like a family before too long.

I absolutely do not hate his dog. I love him, he's a gorgeous, gentle old boy and so loyal and loving. I've never owed a dog of my own unfortunately and I am really enjoying have one in my life now.
He's just a PITA when I'm trying to sleep.
Both things can be true.

Aww op
hope it all works out the way you want it to!

You both sound considerate (you not waking him, him not being arsey) and lovely and that is a fantastic recipe in a relationship.

the dog… I think you might get used to it? I used to sleep with our cats in and out and you learn not to wake if it’s regular (if you see what I mean?). Maybe just carry on as you are and see how it goes-sometimes you stay sometimes you don’t but coming back in the morning shows how much you love him. It’s very sweet and he obviously appreciated that.

my husband is a terrible sleeper and we are often separate. It really is ok. It’s what happens around the sleep that matters in a relationship. And you two are obviously kind and considerate to each other so I am sure you will make it work.

Me and my DP live together. We sleep soundly next to each other no issues. But we are the only couple I know who do - all my married friends and family sleep in separate beds for various issues. I used to with my ex because he was a horrific snorer. I could even hear him from the other room it was that bad.

This isnt a big deal OP. Do you have a spare room? Just sleep at yours until you get a place together - or dont sleep at each others until you do - and make sure you have a spare room. Sorted.

It's not a requirement to share a bed. It's weird anyway as no 2 humans have the same sleep requirements, there are usually compromises.

Separate bedrooms for sleep is king if you have the resources.

It's lovely that you're both being so understanding of each other- it bodes well!

DP and I have had some issues around sleeping- he can fall asleep anywhere, under any circumstances, but snores like you wouldn't believe. I am a terrible sleeper, always have been (it runs in the family!) and everything has to be 'just right' before I can sleep- and even then it can go wrong.

After many trials, we now go to bed adorned with various items- he wears a nose magnet thingy to help quell the snoring, I wear earplugs AND a snoozeband playing white noise, and we now have a spare room that one of us will decamp to if necessary.

As a pp said- it really isn't that big a deal. And sleeping well will make your relationship happier!

Get him a snooze band? DH uses one for tinnitus and I cant hear anything despite it playing all night.

Ah the old 'why didn't you tell me thing '. I get the whole oxytocin addictive thing in a newish relationship but I'd really keep an eye on that mental load crap. People shouldn't need to be told they're being inconsiderate by making noise at night.

Good luck. Enjoy

That's so nice and I'm glad you sorted it out so quickly. He sounds like a keeper: have a lovely day with bf & dog.

That all sounds very positive OP, I am glad you went back.

I reckon you might get used to the dogs movements 🤞

RTFT

I think that's a bit tough. lots of people go to sleep listening to a podcast or similar. It stills the thoughts. Boyfriend needs earbuds. The light is more tricky.

Eye mask with speakers in the ear - abiut £10 on Amazon

White noise machine

Eye mask for you for darkness

There are solutions you Juat have to find the ones that work best for both of you:

You need a better eye mask! Unless you have x-ray eyes there is no way you can still see light with a decent mask! And ear plugs for you ( not him) The wax ones are very comfortable.

i couldn't sleep with someone who has their phone on all night- it's just un necessary waking up to turn it on is also a dealbreaker.

So she's the one who needs to do all of the compromising then? Why is it down to the woman to fit around a man's needs?