To have left my boyfriend asleep in bed, and driven home in the middle of the night because I couldn't get to sleep at his house?

[MrsBetsyTrotwood]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about eight lovely months and so far it's going really well. We get on amazingly, like the same things, have the same sense of humour and have lots of fun. He treats me so nicely.
But we just have totally different sleep styles. He likes to fall asleep with a lamp on, while listening to something, I need total darkness and quiet.
I've asked him nicely if we can have the light off and he's turned it off which I know he doesn't like, and I feel bad asking him not to watch something on his phone too since it's his house, so he doesn't know I hate it. He sleeps deeply and falls asleep quickly so usually I just lean over him and turn it off, or wait for it to end before I go to sleep.
He sometimes does this thing though where he wakes in the night, presses play on his phone and goes back to sleep, and then doesn't remember having done that.
Tonight, I wanted for his thing to finish, then just as I was drifting off, he presses play again and goes back to sleep. Then his bloody dog started moving about, clattering his paws on the laminate floor, chewing something and scratching. Every time it stopped, I would drift off and it would start again. Then bf turns his thing back on again seemingly in his sleep, then the dog jumps onto the bed, realises I'm there and there's no room, jumps back off again and goes back to chewing his toy and grunting. Then BF starts snoring. And I really wanted a window open for a bit of breeze.
It was almost midnight by this point, and I thought sod it. I was tired. We'd had the loveliest long hike with the dog today followed by a massive dinner and I just wanted sleep. I jumped back in my car and drove home and I can't tell you how nice it is to be back in my own familiar bed, in the dark and quiet., and all to myself.
I feel so bad as waking up together in the morning is so so nice and snuggly. He brings me tea in bed and we just cuddle and watch TV and he cooks me breakfast. I sent a text saying I was so sorry but I just couldn't sleep and I'd come straight back in the morning but it's not the same as waking up and having a lie in together.
Is it possible to get used to sharing a bed again after being so used to your own habits? And is my relationship doomed if I can't even sleep next to him?
And can I tell him to change everything he's used to and banish his dog who I love and has always slept there? Because I don't feel I can

Does he have kids?

YANBU, OP! If it helps, I’m like your boyfriend - I like a lamp on and fall asleep to prayer or meditations. Solution in a former relationship was a few 2-3 hour tealights instead of the lamp (or LED ones if you don’t like candles) and I’d wear earphones for my sound. Hope that helps 💖

Many people have patterns and rituals to fall asleep - doesn't make such people big babies 🤷‍♀️

He isn’t a big man baby at all. We all have different sleep needs… what makes his less than the op. They are both valid.

I have regular insomnia and currently at the minute the best thing to help is a wireless ear bud and friends clips on you tube. I don’t even need to watch it. It shuts my brain down and i can fall asleep.

I also listened to a podcast about the Titanic for a good few episodes.

@MrsBetsyTrotwood i’d suggest he uses an ear bud or snooze band (as suggested by pp) and maybe you could use an eye mask and ear plugs?

It’s an adjusted sharing a bed for both people but both should find a compromise.

He puts the phone out of reach then??

She didn't make him sound like a selfish man-baby. Some posters projected their prejudices on to the limited info she did provide.

Most people can accept that others have different sleep habits - even men - and that doesn't make them selfish and infantile.

presumably though OP left a note or sent a text - otherwise, as you say, that would be petty and immature and he'd be quite justified in binning her off

I need a light (albeit on the landing) and I listen to a story (again albeit with an ear bud in). I have trouble falling asleep due to historical stresses that still linger at night. I don’t consider myself a big woman-baby. I do asleep alone though. I also would have just gone on the sofa. Leaving altogether seems a confrontational move.

separate bedrooms/homes

My husband and I don't share a room due to his snoring. It hasn't affected our relationship. But I can see how if it had been like this from the start we might not have lasted.

Is there somewhere else in his place that one of you can sleep? I guess it depends how often you stay over. Once a week or so, I'd be happy to sleep on the sofa and get back into bed with him when I wake up (or my husband would be willing to, or we'd alternate). But that's not a great solution on a work night or a more regular basis.

I think it's fair to raise all your concerns with your partner and mention that you worry for your future with him. How he responds will tell you a lot about him and how he feels about you. Maybe he'll willingly comply and find a solution even if it inconveniences him a bit (my husband would). Maybe he'll refuse all compromise even if it means losing you. Maybe it's somewhere in between. Whatever way, you find out something important.

This sounds worth making an effort for. So you’ve got plans to solve light and noise; the last big problems are the dog and the window? Is it possible to try something like a small camp bed on his side for the dog? Then he could get up and down without jumping on the main bed and hopefully would be less disturbing for you. You could get a bed guard like you use for toddlers to discourage the dog from trying to jump up on your side, and with both that and his own camp bed, hopefully he’d get the message. PP suggested a rug for the toenail noise; is clipping an option? Not a dog owner so not sure how feasible or effective that is.

The window one you mentioned - I too prefer a window open, just feels stuffy if there’s no fresh air. Could you compromise and have the bathroom window and door open, if it’s not possible to have one open close to the bed?

Good luck, I hope you find solutions and it works out for you.

From her update it doesn't sound like she left a note or sent a text. He wasn't expecting her to come back. Funnily enough, having a conversation looks like the problem will be alleviated. If only a mature, adult conversation occurred before leaving in the middle of the night.

She still hates the poor dog though. People who don't like animals shouldn't date people who have animals.

I actually couldn't be with someone long-term that did this unless they were prepared to stop.
DH used to fall asleep with the tv or music on when I met him but he stopped as it kept me awake.

Nah. People who can't communicate - whether talking about adjustments that can be made to respective sleeping habits, or who leave in the middle of the night without leaving a message (if the latter is true - that's the basis on which the 'very dramatic' poster is posting) - that would be a dealbreaker for me. Can't be bothered with people who in turn can't be bothered to communicate with what's bothering them.

He’s selfish, thoughtless about your sleep.

Yes, the whole dog thing!

A colleague bought a speaker that goes under the pillow so it wouldn’t disturb his partner. If it’s a bone conduction one you shouldn’t be able to hear it at all.

I’m inclined to agree

8 months
”crazy about each other”
but can’t seem to have a very very simply chat

I sleep the same as your boyfriend, i can’t fall asleep in silence, and if i wake up (as i do frequently) it’s the first thing i do, as otherwise i’m awake for hours stressing over everything, we have compromised that we have the tv on to go to sleep as i always fall asleep first and when i wake, i put my earpods in and put a podcast on the phone under my pillow so it doesn’t light the room up. Keep working at compromises as its worth it for a good relationship, which it sounds like this is. Sleep is important to function the next day so finding something that suits you both will be well worth the effort. Oh and a man that looks after his dog the way he does is a keeper in my view.

Where does that appear in this thread?

As other posters have said, try out a better eye mask. She says they let in the light. She should try a better eye mask that doesn't let in light

Me and DH used to share a room, I always struggled with being a light sleeper so his snoring or him turning over in bed would wake me up. It was awful. When we had our children I would also get woken by every little noise or movement from them as a baby, so DH would go and sleep in the children's room with them so I could sleep undisturbed. After 3 kids and him being back and forth with each child we've eventually settled on separate rooms for us.

One suggestion for a compromise for you OP is a fan. I also can't sleep in silence and a fan is a perfect background/white noise for me. Plus it gives me a nice breeze as I get hot at night.

Can anyone tell me why there are so many posts saying bin him? Its a bit extreme..

What are they? So far I've only seen people requiring complete darkness and silence (which I don’t think is that odd) or falling asleep to tv and with some lighting (also not something I think that odd). Some people even read in bed to go to sleep - maybe big babies ha ha as we read to children to sleep/quieten them pre sleep