To have left my boyfriend asleep in bed, and driven home in the middle of the night because I couldn't get to sleep at his house?

[MrsBetsyTrotwood]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about eight lovely months and so far it's going really well. We get on amazingly, like the same things, have the same sense of humour and have lots of fun. He treats me so nicely.
But we just have totally different sleep styles. He likes to fall asleep with a lamp on, while listening to something, I need total darkness and quiet.
I've asked him nicely if we can have the light off and he's turned it off which I know he doesn't like, and I feel bad asking him not to watch something on his phone too since it's his house, so he doesn't know I hate it. He sleeps deeply and falls asleep quickly so usually I just lean over him and turn it off, or wait for it to end before I go to sleep.
He sometimes does this thing though where he wakes in the night, presses play on his phone and goes back to sleep, and then doesn't remember having done that.
Tonight, I wanted for his thing to finish, then just as I was drifting off, he presses play again and goes back to sleep. Then his bloody dog started moving about, clattering his paws on the laminate floor, chewing something and scratching. Every time it stopped, I would drift off and it would start again. Then bf turns his thing back on again seemingly in his sleep, then the dog jumps onto the bed, realises I'm there and there's no room, jumps back off again and goes back to chewing his toy and grunting. Then BF starts snoring. And I really wanted a window open for a bit of breeze.
It was almost midnight by this point, and I thought sod it. I was tired. We'd had the loveliest long hike with the dog today followed by a massive dinner and I just wanted sleep. I jumped back in my car and drove home and I can't tell you how nice it is to be back in my own familiar bed, in the dark and quiet., and all to myself.
I feel so bad as waking up together in the morning is so so nice and snuggly. He brings me tea in bed and we just cuddle and watch TV and he cooks me breakfast. I sent a text saying I was so sorry but I just couldn't sleep and I'd come straight back in the morning but it's not the same as waking up and having a lie in together.
Is it possible to get used to sharing a bed again after being so used to your own habits? And is my relationship doomed if I can't even sleep next to him?
And can I tell him to change everything he's used to and banish his dog who I love and has always slept there? Because I don't feel I can

Making me sleep in pure silence I would class as inconsiderate and selfish 🤷‍♀️ I can go to sleep so quickly if I have sound on a tv programme I’ve watched loads, sleep stories or meditation. Silence makes my body crawl and I will take hours to fall asleep and I have to lie in silence listening to someone sleep

Yanbu. Sleep deprivation is torture and you should never be expected to accept it as part of the price of kindness in a relationship. You do not have to share a bed, a room or a house to be in a relationship. It is ok to need your own space for sleep. Your dignity and right to feel well rested is not something you need to sacrifice.

Compromise, compromise, compromise!

One person's sleep needs do not outrank another's just because they are more complicated!

There's a way of adjusting his phone so he doesn't turn it back on during the night.
The best tool to achieve this is e lump hammer.

I think these were both suggested for you OP. I wear earplugs as I'm a light sleeper. If you can still see the light with an eye mask you need to try a different sort.

Sleep is far too important compromise. I certainly couldn't sleep alongside him with all that going on, especially the light and the dog. I also tend to fall asleep listening to audio books but I sleep alone.

Try to have a calm, non judgmental conversation about it & see what happens.

It's not morally wrong for an adult to need these sleep crutches but if you do then you've surely got to accept that you'll struggle to find a partner that will put up with it. It's too big an ask and I think he needs to work out what he needs more from his life as it's unlikely he can have both.

Yes, as I said above, his reaction to the conversation and what he is prepared to do to help the OP sleep with him is going to say a lot about both him & their relationship.

Can he stay at yours? Preferably without the dog. I wouldn’t be able to sleep either with a dog mooching about.

You can have a relationship and enjoy many things whilst living in separate homes.

He's not a baby, he just has different going to sleep rituals. Mumsnet doesn't call women who can't sleep on their own babies.
I think the dog will be the biggest hurdle but if they get their own place they can start anew so dog doesn't expect to be in the bedroom. I don't think this is insurmountable OP, juat sone give and take from you both.

He needs to get a sleep headband so you can't hear what hes listening to.

You need an eyemask to block out the light.

Both might take a bit of getting used to, but its doable.

If you plan on having children together, his sleep set up won't suit well when you have a baby in your room for the first 6 months. I used that argument to help me persuade DH to switch to a sleep headband rather than falling asleep with the TV on every night.

Nobody is right or wrong here - you just both have separate sleep needs. I’m a woman in her 70s and I sleep with speech radio on - I find it distracts me enough from my own thoughts for me to be able to fall asleep. It doesn’t make me difficult or immature, it’s just what works for me. My DH and I have separate rooms and this is one of the reasons.

I hate staying in hotels with dh for similar reasons, yanbu

This is good advice IMO

Compromise is how relationships work.

Call me selfish all you want. I'm autistic and it is the only way I get any sleep.

I also wouldn't want to be with a partner who didn't bother to tell me that it was a problem. If @MrsBetsyTrotwood can't communicate her issues then she shouldn't be in a relationship. Dramatic is leaving in the middle of the night without a word.

MN appears to call Women who can't sleep on their own dramatic, inconsiderate and selfish.

Is there a spare bedroom?

@MrsBetsyTrotwood i think she meant YOU try wearing earplugs and an eye mask? 🙈

OP hasn't helped herself by driving home and starting a thread on here in the early hours when she's anxious for sleep, so her bf isn't the only one with odd habits.

You’re not being unreasonable for wanting him to find a way to sleep that doesn’t involve noise in the room.
you are unreasonable though, for needing your sleep so badly that you went home and then went straight on mumsnet to start a thread instead of sleeping!

Is it possible to get used to sharing a bed again after being so used to your own habits? And is my relationship doomed if I can't even sleep next to him?

In my experience the answer to the first question is unfortunately no, but happily the answer to the second question is also no.

DH and I had both also been single for a while before we met and we had both definitely got used to sleeping on our own. We have incompatible sleep habits - not as extreme as yours, but DH is a very light sleeper who needs blackout blinds, while I need to toss and turn a bit before getting to sleep and dislike total darkness. (But I think the sleep habits aren't 100% relevant because the mere presence of anyone else in the room makes me sleep badly.)

The answer was separate bedrooms. We had to have a conversation about how this didn't mean anything in terms of what we felt about each other but at this point it's non-negotiable for both of us. And it helped our relationship, it didn't doom it, because it meant we didn't have to live in a state of permanent underslept grumpiness. Looking after your sleep is one of the most important things you can do to have a pleasant life.

Morning all,
So I am back in my lovely man's bed and he is cooking me breakfast.
He was up when I came back, and outside letting the dog have a wee. He had a massive smile when he saw me pull up and said he didn't think I'd come back.
So I told him everything that's wrong and he said he was really sorry he's keeping me awake but also asked why I didn't tell him. He ordered one of those sleep headband earphones things off Amazon on next day delivery there and then and said he can have the light off, he prefers it on but it's not big deal if I can't cope with it but he really can't sleep in silence.

Only problem is the dog. It a large studio flat, and the dog is elderly, traumatised from past abuse and used to being near him, they were each others close companions for years with him being single and he'd just howl and whine all night if they were apart and there's only the kitchen and bathroom to shut him in. He says we'll come up with ways to keep him quieter but it's the jumping on and off the bed for me too.

He can't come to mine because the dog can't be left overnight as he's used to him and he needs to be taken outside early morning, and he can't bring him to my flat because my lease doesn't allow animals.

So we'll try again next weekend but if it doesn't work, we'll just have to abandon sleepovers until the dog dies, bless him. He's 14 now.

Oh and btw, he's not a man baby, he's a grown man who takes care of me and is very kind and responsible. He has a lovely home which he keeps spotless and a good job he works hard at. But he is ex military and I think there's some issues there which effect his sleep. He's opening up about this bit by bit but I don't have the full story yet. So please do not judge.

If he is as lovely as you say he is then please talk to him about it and see if you can come to some sort of compromise the nights you are staying. I sympathize as I need complete darkness and quiet to sleep too. If he loves you he should be willing to work with you to find a solution that suits you both
edited - Just read your update. It sounds positive 😀

I think it's reasonable to ask him to listen to his stuff through earphones when you're there.