To have left my boyfriend asleep in bed, and driven home in the middle of the night because I couldn't get to sleep at his house?

[MrsBetsyTrotwood]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about eight lovely months and so far it's going really well. We get on amazingly, like the same things, have the same sense of humour and have lots of fun. He treats me so nicely.
But we just have totally different sleep styles. He likes to fall asleep with a lamp on, while listening to something, I need total darkness and quiet.
I've asked him nicely if we can have the light off and he's turned it off which I know he doesn't like, and I feel bad asking him not to watch something on his phone too since it's his house, so he doesn't know I hate it. He sleeps deeply and falls asleep quickly so usually I just lean over him and turn it off, or wait for it to end before I go to sleep.
He sometimes does this thing though where he wakes in the night, presses play on his phone and goes back to sleep, and then doesn't remember having done that.
Tonight, I wanted for his thing to finish, then just as I was drifting off, he presses play again and goes back to sleep. Then his bloody dog started moving about, clattering his paws on the laminate floor, chewing something and scratching. Every time it stopped, I would drift off and it would start again. Then bf turns his thing back on again seemingly in his sleep, then the dog jumps onto the bed, realises I'm there and there's no room, jumps back off again and goes back to chewing his toy and grunting. Then BF starts snoring. And I really wanted a window open for a bit of breeze.
It was almost midnight by this point, and I thought sod it. I was tired. We'd had the loveliest long hike with the dog today followed by a massive dinner and I just wanted sleep. I jumped back in my car and drove home and I can't tell you how nice it is to be back in my own familiar bed, in the dark and quiet., and all to myself.
I feel so bad as waking up together in the morning is so so nice and snuggly. He brings me tea in bed and we just cuddle and watch TV and he cooks me breakfast. I sent a text saying I was so sorry but I just couldn't sleep and I'd come straight back in the morning but it's not the same as waking up and having a lie in together.
Is it possible to get used to sharing a bed again after being so used to your own habits? And is my relationship doomed if I can't even sleep next to him?
And can I tell him to change everything he's used to and banish his dog who I love and has always slept there? Because I don't feel I can

Could your BF use headphones, OP? That would take care of one part!

After 30 odd years of having to put up with DH’s snoring I now have my own room and love it! I’d never share again.

A rug for the floor for the dog and no toys in the bedroom, he moves his phone out of reach before he goes to sleep so that once it’s off he can’t just turn it back on in his sleep.
A decent eye mask for you and hopefully that will resolve most of the problems, I’d also make sure I didn’t stay over too many consecutive nights, as I get really grumpy with disturbed sleep now.
I wish we had a spare room for me, my DH snores more now and it makes me have murderous thoughts 😬😂

I really don't like tech at bedtime but having it on and falling asleep with it running with someone else in bed is pretty disruptive! People can train themselves to get used to different sleep environments, and some might say you should do it then as it's boyfriends house, but I think the person going to sleep in quiet and the dark, the most natural common state, trumps the one needing lights on and something random playing on the phone (is it a show, not even just white noise or ambient sounds?) Guess you can't help the dog, I used to look after my brothers dog as a teen and it'd sleep on the bed and I didn't like it even then, so noisy and smelly (was a flatulent collie).

OP you don’t sound very assertive. No relationship fares well without communication so you need to work on this. You deserve good sleep. Your need for good sleep is not second to his, it is equal. This is a shared problem because if it remains unsolved it spells the end of the relationship. Look up assertive communication skills and practice re this issue!

Gosh that’s a bit judgey. I’m 39 and need a night light and a pod cast on to sleep thanks to mental health issues. You don’t know why he’s doing this. Could be trauma, ptsd , anything.

It’s how he gets to sleep. From his point of view, OP demanding total silence and pitch black (and “not being able” to wear an eye mask) is also selfish. No-one is right or wrong in this situation; they are just incompatible in this area and therefore need to look for solutions that work for both of them.

Try snoozeband

My very small child's bedtime routine includes a night light and an audiobook, so the fact he's basically still doing that as a grown man would give me the ick.

Has he noticed yet?

If he's willing to turn the lights off ask him to turn the screen brightness down to the lowest setting and listen wearing ear buds? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Try melatonin and put socks on the dog 🤣

If I had to turn off his 'phone, knowing he would turn it on again, I think I might just move it out of reach.

I have a 4 and 2 yo a dh who does his share and i am chronically sleep deprived.

Lack of sleep is a form of torture and literally makes you die younger.

Imo......

If you never want children....
You need separate rooms and earplugs
Or
Break up

If children are even remotely on the cards
End it.
he be terminally fucking about with the limited and precious sleep you are getting.

Its a compounding effect, your nervous system will start getting highly activated at bedtime because this is a stressful event.
The anxiety of not knowing if you can sleep.
I find his style of sleeping very overgrown teen and (rightly or wrongly) I couldnt respect it.

I would say this is a good point in your relationship to find out what kind of partner he is.
Tell him the problems you are having with the sleep situation. If he is a decent, caring partner he will be keen to work with you to find a compromise that works for you both.

If he isn't interested in solving this and just sees it as your issue then I think it will tell you a lot about him and how your future relationship will go.

There will be a compromise that works or certainly steps you can take to make this better but it requires you both to want to solve it.
Have an honest chat with him and take it from there.

I'd have struggled in that situation.

I am in an 8 year relationship, and we don't sleep at each others houses. Partly due to pet needs, partly due to one wanting a lay in and the other being an early bird and the early bird feeling held hostage in their own house having to creep around in silence and can't go out and do what they want to do/get on with the day because there is a 'guest' staying over. Plus one is a light sleeper and gets disturbed by the other one at night, and the other is an instant deep sleeper. The other lays there for hours trying to sleep. At least both do go to sleep in silence and the dark!

We obviously share a bed on holiday, and do sleep over on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. It works well for us, but we are older. It probably wouldn't work if you are young and wanting children together at some point.

I don't live with DP and so I struggle, if I'm honest, sharing a bed with him. He snores and is very hot and I need cool and can't stand the snoring.
So often I sleep in the spare room, sometimes I kick him out into the spare room. If I don't then I use earplugs.
Could you ask him to play something different when helps you get to sleep? I use the Calm app and they have sleep music and sleep stories. I use these to help me get to sleep if I am anxious or something. This could reduce the problems staying at his?

II personally don’t think it’s normal behaviour to leave a light on and keep playing videos creating noise when someone is sleeping over?! It’s quite annoying and goes against all the sleep factors. I would talk to him and explain that you cannot sleep
like that and why he feels the need to do those things? Is he scared?

Sounds crazy that the dog doesn't have a bed or a rug , and just sleeping on the hard floor! For me they should be downstairs anyway.

My ex had a dog that slept on the bed when I wasn't there, then two ridiculously loud alarms would go off at 5.30am & 6am (1.5 hours before normal get up time) to feed the dog and cat, it was totally unnecessary! Then the radio on after that, and an overly bright 'luma' type natural light alarm clock came on at sixish! Never slept well there.

Some very interesting sleep habits coming out on this thread!

can you not just move his phone further away so he doesn’t grab it when you switch it off? I cannot sleep without noise and if it is silent it will take me hours to go to sleep. If it’s just me I will switch the iPad back on if I wake up the majority of the time. But if I couldn’t I wouldn’t be mad about it I think that’s a habit I’ve got into but 100% I need sound to go to sleep without feeling stressed

You need to find a compromise here OP, and a good time to talk about it today when he wakes up and you’re not there!
I can’t bear phone noise / light in the room when I’m trying to sleep so me and DH have a no phones in the bedroom rule. We have an Echo show for alarms etc. He does like the lamp on but that’s all I have to contend with now and as soon as he’s out I just turn it off. He can’t just have it all his way.

Get him to sleep at yours. Your place, your rules. He will have then try and sleep without his lamp. The dog won't be there either. As for the phone I think that's pretty antisocial of him and he needs to compromise here.

I feel your pain but very interested to know if he abides by your "rules" when he stays at yours and sleeps ok?

I wouldn’t cope with the dog in the bed

id wear earplugs for the noise my compromise
mask him to turn the light off

move his phone away so he can’t turn back on subconsciously