To think they could have/should have brought something

[BurnoutGP]

I am in hospital after major (planned surgery). DD1 age 25 will be looking after me (she lives at home for a small rent that cover everything). She has had to take some time off work (unpaid).
I am fiercely independent and have brought in my own squash/snacks etc. The 2 other people in my room have had visitors all day bringing lovely fresh fruit/sweets/drinks etc. DD1 visited this evening bringing my stepmother (very close ben in my life since I was 14. Father died few years ago)
They came empty handed. There is a lovely M+S in the concourse of the hospital they would have walked past it when they came in. But hey ho. Except DD1 started on my bag of snacks eating 2 without even asking. So I very sarcastically told them off and said not only did you not bring me even a M+S fruit snack you're now eating the snacks I bought in. Im pretty immobile.
They then said oh do you want us to go get you something. I said well it really defeats the purposes if you have to be told. And it would have been almost closed.
AIBU to be hurt and disappointed and a spoilt brat
IANBU they should have brought something.
DD1 is usually pretty good but can be a bit self absorbed and they are very used to me being super capable and doing everything. I am now a bit worried what her "looking after" is going to look like....

I do think it’s passive aggressive. like someone in an argument saying “If you can’t see what you’ve done wrong I’m not going to tell you “. It sounds as if if OP had said she needed something they would have been happy to get it.

Surely she wants someone else to think about her without being told to? I completely sympathise! She spends her time thinking of others and wants to be thought about for once. It’s a way of showing you care.
Don’t you hope someone will buy you a birthday/ Christmas present without being told to?
Plenty of posters on MN feel unhappy when they’re forgotten in their birthday!

But her daughter has thought about her, by visiting in hospital and taking unpaid time off work to care for her.
Why are people only equating gifts with care?

When you have to resort to insults ..there really is no point in contributing is there?

I'm someone who has worked in the NHS and represented patients and been a patient myself...asking someone who is unwell what they want IS an unnecessary burden when as a visitor you can choose to be thoughtful and kind.

I don't have the high maintenance time to explain the concepts of caring for another to someone who leaps to insults.

The arrogance that thinking your presence is a thoughtful gift ...is the very definition of high maintenance.

Hoping today is a better and healing day OP 💙

If I were taking unpaid leave to care for someone - who wasn't my dependant - and they got pissy with me for not bringing them a packet of hobnobs I would be seriously considering why I was bothering to help them in the first place.

Yep definitely no books or magazines that hospitals give out ...can you imagine the infection control reaction to that?

Same with anyone commenting saying flowers they can't have been hospital visiting for decades

From 1 hyper independent woman to another, how's that working out for you? 😁
We refuse to ask for what we want, need, would like and then are bitterly disappointed when someone can't read our minds.
It's not selfish or demanding to make a request from loved ones x

do not know about pillows etc but i was always taught to take something for people when you visit someone in hospital. usually a card of course, some fruit, squash, chocolate or whatever. it would have been flowers but i understand that those are not allowed now. anyway if you did not get anything perhaps they thought you had taken in all you wanted as you said you had snacks

The other relatives may have been told what to bring, you don’t actually know that they independently brought the items in. When I’ve been in hospital for longer than 1 night, I’ve specifically asked DH to not bring me loads of sweets and chocolates as I don’t tend to eat them anyway.

I think this is more a symptom of you feeling you lack love and attention elsewhere in life, as it is more the role of a partner than daughter to take time off unpaid, spoil you etc. If she truly was selfish etc, she wouldn't be taking time off now etc.

I agree with you, it's pretty immature to eat your mum's snacks in hospital and be oblivious that she can't replenish her own snacks or that hospital visitors bring something for the patient, even if she is your mum.
You need to start charging her more rent so that she starts to become more aware of her responsibilities as an adult as your arrangement seems to have kept her in child mode.

If you are only looking for support, then posting on AIBU is not a good idea. People will vote and reply as they truthfully think. The best present most people in hospital can get is a visit.

It would have been nice if they came with something but its not a big deal to say please can you get X for me.

1. You dont know the other people didnt ask their guests for the things you saw them recieve
2. If youre as independent as you say DD likely thought you would be capable of fetching or asking for your own snacks

It’s always nice to take something when visiting I agree. But usually I’ll ask if they want anything. Even if they say no I’ll pop in and get something. But not everyone’s brain is wired that way I’m afraid and it’s a pill you’ve gotta swallow. You’re very lucky she’s taking time off work to look after you

You absolutely do have to ask for treats in hospital because the food is not up to much. This is a normal thing to do with close family - you ask for your treats/comb you forgot/change of nightie...whatever. I'm a bit surprised they didn't check what you needed themselves but in MN parlance, "Use your words."

Hope your feeling much better today and if you had visitors I'm sure they now know to bring something as you've told them to. You can't odds how many people other patients get visiting, they might have large families or lots of people with spare time to visit or not live far away, every family is different and your number of visitors makes no difference to how much you are loved. Hope you can get home soon.

Good grief how unpleasant and cruel you are all being to a vulnerable person in hospital who is dependent on visitors to bring her things that might make her stay more tolerable. She had no obligation to offer a list. The onus is on the visitor to give some thought to what would help them.
YANBU OP, thoughtfulness is a lovely thing which gives pleasure to the receiver and satisfaction to the giver. You probably selflessly gave hours of your life to bring up your child..its no big ask to hope for reciprocal consideration at your time of need.

Haven't read the whole thread but some absolutely mad responses on the first two pages that make me question whether this is real life. Of course you're not being unreasonable, OP. OF COURSE normal people take treats for their loved one in hospital; come on now. Of course visitors don't scoff the patient's paltry self-supplied treat stash.

Feckin' hell. Wish I was nearby and could take you some goodies, OP. Get well soon. Xxx

I'm with you OP it would have been considerate for them to bring you some little treats, chocolates, biscuits you like etc your DD must know what you like.
Wishing you a speedy recovery.

It would of been nice for them to bring you something but if she’s off work unpaid maybe she couldn’t afford anything

If might not take food into a hospital room: if the person isn’t hungry or doesn’t fancy what you’ve chosen, they end up with food clutter around the place. Especially if i asked and the person said no thanks. I think it’s crossed wires rather than callousness.

I know how you feel though, I had relatives visit me at home post partum without bringing snacks, and couldn’t help compare that with the stories you hear of people turning up with lasagnes etc !

People in hospital are often not hungry or can't eat particular things. So I wouldn't take someone chocolates or similar to them in hospital without a discussion about what they wanted. I might take them chocolates when they've made it home unless I knew they had ongoing dietary restrictions meaning chocolates were going to be a reminder of what they couldn't have.

I wouldn't be surprised if the other people in your bay were finding themselves exhausted with visitors there all day without a break where they could watch TV / read the internet.

Part of exercising fierce independence when ill is asking for what you want and having people trained to do the thing you've asked them to do. You and your daughter will get there.

I tell people Not to visit..I hate visiting time..5 mins to ask how you are what did they do what have you eaten..then stare into the distance or sit on their phones...no thank you..I take my snacks etc in with me.plus a book if I feel well enough to read..but please leave me alone..I am poorly..I need the rest because I run round after everyone else when I'm OK..

This.

It wouldn't occur to me not to take a gift to someone in hospital on the first visit, then ask what they want me to bring next day if I'm visiting again.

Fuss over nothing. Be glad your kids visited you.
why does anyone need ten bring a gift ?