Family member's newborn – WWYD?

[CrumpetConnoisseur]

My cousin has recently brought her tiny premature baby home after a stay in NICU. She weighs less than 5lbs.
She sent me a photo of the baby asleep on her tummy in her Moses basket and said that this is the position she settles best in.
I have to admit I’m quite concerned. I know babies shouldn’t generally be put down to sleep on their fronts, and with her being so premature and tiny, it makes me particularly nervous.
My cousin also doesn’t want to use a breathing or movement monitor such as an Owlet, which adds to my worry, although I appreciate these aren’t recommended as a substitute for safe sleeping practices.

Obviously, I’m not her baby’s parent and I don’t want to come across as judgemental or interfere with how she’s looking after her. I also don’t know whether the NICU team has given her any specific advice regarding sleeping positions.

Would you be concerned in this situation? Would you say something to her, or leave it alone because it’s not your baby?
I just want the little one to be safe, but I also don’t want to overstep the mark.

My near newborn nearly choked to death on her back. She inhaled vomit and was blue and gasping when I returned from a trip to the toilet ... if I had been gone longer she would have died for sure.
Luckily my doctor OH was around and brought her back to life.
My older children say they will never forget my shouts for help on that day.
I have never understood the lie on back rule ... it nearly killed my child.

Oh your experience sounds exactly like mine, it was soul destroying. I’d break down in front of drs saying that was the only way he’d sleep and they’d just look at me and say no, you can’t put him like that. So instead I spent 8 months with him upright on me. I wish I’d trusted my instincts too. It’s so vivid 13 years later!

Her baby's just come out of NICU. Pretty sure they will have advised her accordingly. She's either following tailored advice from them, in which case you look like a busybody intervening, or she's ignoring their advice. And if she's ignoring the NICU staff, she won't listen to you.

There's no point saying anything directly. If you must, I would just send a link to a reputable sleep site and frame it as 'tips about baby sleep'.

I took a less than 5 pounder home. Safe sleeping was still prompted..no tummy sleeping..

There is a good chance the baby was nursed prone in NICU so she may be used to seeing her baby on her front. Really the nurses in NICU should have explained she shouldn’t be prone when they stopped the continuous monitoring or at home.

They do as its easier for breathing but they make it clear its because the babies have all the alarms on them if they stop breathing.

Mine slept on front during day. I wouldnt judge just from one pic

I mean it’s possible there’s only doing this for daytime naps where they’re awake around her. My first was very refluxy and wouldn’t sleep on her back (she’d have potentially chocked on her own reflux so I’m not sure I agree it’s always safer) I discussed with HC professionals and they just kept repeating put her on her back. I ended up barely sleeping and reading academic research about SIDS and sleeping positions and I came to conclusion that the risk of Sid’s was far lower than my refluxy baby chocking. With my second I didn’t hesitate and let her front sleep from outset. I think eventually this advice will be revisited as more knowledge of factors that actual cause Sid’s are explored. But my babies were t tiny prems. should you say anything? ???? I’d ask how the baby is and sleep generally and go from there, try to be supportive

I think I would have to say something OP. She is a close family member so she knows you are not ill intentioned. Maybe send her the link for the lullaby trust and say loads of useful info re sleep on here? Feels like a non judgemental way of doing things and basically ensuing she does have the facts. There are a lot of risk factors at play here and I would feel really worried too!

It's been a very long time since I had a newborn, but back to sleep was a big thing then, and I'm assuming it still well drilled into new mums.
So unless you think she's somehow missed the memo, when of course you need to say something, she knows the risk and has either been advised by NICU or decided that the benefits outweigh the risk.

Ask your cousin, if the NICU told her that it's best for baby to sleep on her stomach. Just say, you're only asking because guidelines are for babies to sleep on their back, but the hospital may have told her differently. Personally, I always thought a baby had to be 5lb or over before they were allowed home from NICU. Guidelines nowadays could be completely different. I was born premature, and wasn't allowed home until I reached 5lb in weight (I appreciate that was a very long time ago now!).

It's far better to say something, than nothing at all.

"Did they speak about safe sleep before you left? The advice was to have baby on their back when I had my dc, I just wondered if it has changed or maybe they hadn't told you. I hope you don't mind me mentioning it, and I won't again. x"

Quite a lot of bad, outdated opinions on this thread. Of course you must say something - safe sleep is extra important for premies and they are at a much greater risk of SIDS. Say it gently but say it clearly.

With respect if her husband smoked inside while she was pregnant, I suspect safe sleep guidance is the least of her problems. It is the absolute height of selfishness to do that.

I’d be concerned but I’d raise it in a much more subtle way than some of the suggestions. I’d frame it more about how stressful it must be taking home a premmie and asking whether she’s getting much support still from the hospital/health visitors. If she’s getting a lot of support then safe sleep is likely
to be part of it. If she says she’s getting nothing, I’d be more likely to broach safe sleep.

🙄🙄

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying something. You are family. It takes a village, and all that. I think a child’s safety is everyone’s business.

Imagine if the worse happened and she said nobody told her.

Trust me, she is watching the baby like a hawk. I'm sure most NICU mums will agree, the first few weeks home are absolutely terrifying and she will be keeping an eye on her child. That being said, my DD was often put on her tummy in the NICU. Nothing wrong with it as long baby is supervised...

In terms of the Owlet, she may find the idea too triggering. I certainly did after weeks in the NICU with the constant beeping and monitoring.

I know current guidance is for babies to sleep on their backs, but 40 years ago when mine were tiny the advice was for babies to sleep on their fronts, and I think somewhere in between it was to put babies on their sides to sleep. Who knows what the guidance will be in ten years time. Both mine survived - just saying.

I would have to say something especially with a smoker in the house. You can say it gently.

i wonder how far the ‘none of your business’ people would take it - would you ignore a child being put in a situation where harm was almost certain? Or a child being actively harmed? Bizarre.

Guess I'd say "oh wow did they say to do tummy down? We got so warned off it because of SIDS but I ended up doing safe seven to co sleep and shifts with DH because ours was also a bad sleeper! Newborn stage is so tough and even more so when they're premature" sth like that?

Edit: maybe even offer to watch the baby while she gets some sleep if you're not too far away?

I'd try and say something along the lines of '"aw she's adorable! I can't believe how much advice changes about baby sleep positions we use to have to make sure babies were on their backs! Glad she's found her comfy spot!"

I'd have to say something if it was me. She doesn't need the monitoring thing but she does need baby in a safe sleeping position.

I’d have to point out the risk, but say it in a ‘your baby’ way, but didn’t want to not point it out. Fact her partner smokes already puts baby at risk. My friend had 4 babies (all between 25-35) and was height of back to sleep campaign but put all down on their stomach. She liked to do the opposite of advice and used to feed them skips for lunch on the baby walker tray! She’s a doting grandma now, but expect she still doesn’t follow rules.

I was so paranoid about SIDs but Anne Diamonds son died around time my eldest was a baby and the whole back to sleep campaign, and it terrified me. With DD who was 14yrs younger than DS1 I had a breathing monitor and I know it couldn’t prevent it but one night it went off and I shook her and she did a huge gasp. Scary.

NICU will have discussed all of this with her prior to discharge. I don’t think you should interfere.