Disgusted by DP’s behaviour at a Wedding today

[Pregnantupset]

I’m sat typing this in my hotel room after being at a Wedding today. I’m pregnant so haven’t been drinking and am at my wits end with my ‘D’P and feel so stuck now after what has happened today.

I believe he has a problem with alcohol, he has drunk so much in recent months and just blames it on the stress of his job and being a Dad soon. He has these massive sessions on a weekend and drinks to excess with his mates (nearly all single).

Today, he was pissed within two hours of arriving at 1pm, constantly disappeared leaving me with others I hardly know and didn’t see how I was feeling at any point.

The speeches were a bit of a farce, it ended up with people with no ‘role’ taking turns to speak and he asked to say a few words. I knew it was going to be bad and his friends were banging the tables to ‘gee’ him up.

He rambled on, was swearing and made a remark about the bride and groom having sex and that he ‘slipped the groom a blue pill to make sure it’s a memorable first shag’.

Someone came into the room from the direction of the toilets mid speech and he pointed him out and said something about him ‘lining one up’ which his mates all found hilarious.

He has been an utter embarrassment and I’m glad he is still downstairs allowing me to relax in peace.

Do you think he is alcohol dependant ( what used to be called 'an alcoholic') and would go into withdrawal if he stopped drinking? In that case he needs to do that under medical supervision in order to stop drinking,( if he choose to to stop). Or is he a ' binge drinker' with the lads and a total knobend when he has had a drink? Either way not compatible with parenthood. Even if he is not alcohol dependent now, if he doesn't at least cut down he will become a dependent drinker. I can tell you from bitter experience that it will be a living hell and don't make my mistake and bring a child into it. After you get back home and he is sober ( don't start the discussion until then) Tell him you are not prepared to live under present circumstances .( He will be out all night with 'the lads' doing God know what when you are night feeding your baby and feeling like the loneliest, saddest person on earth) Your vigilance/worry for your child's physical and emotional safety when he is at home will be continuous, and you will wish he would go out! Be prepared to walk away. It's make or break time and if he doesn't prioritise you and his baby take my word you are far, far better off without this millstone. I think a lot of men worry about impending parenthood but behaving the way he is is just kicking the can down the road. I really feel for you and would like to send you a virtual hug. I have been there, don't be me.

I think this is great advice.

You are not alone.

I think your partner is taking cocaine. I say this as kindly as possible, from lived experience.

take care of yourself x

Get yourself to Al-Anon. There are online meetings as well as live ones. If drinking is causing problems which it clearly is you need support to decide what to do

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

How do you know that the OP can drive herself home?

Apologies if I’ve missed something, but not everyone drives.

@Pregnantupset

So let me share my story. My estranged DH became a full blown raging alcoholic after he sustained an injury. The injury upset his usual activities and his lifestyle and he simply couldn't cope so he turned to alcohol. He was very athletic (although not an 'athlete' per se) and not being able to do his sport or hobbies was his undoing. I left him a little over a year ago when his drunken behaviour became intolerable and he became emotionally and verbally abusive. I actually had to be escorted out of our home by the police. Do NOT think this can't happen to you. It can. DH and I were married 38 years before his drinking spun out of control and I never would have imagined this could ever happen to me, to us.

Your DP doesn't have a 'problem with alcohol'. He is an alcoholic. He's making excuses as to why he drinks, tick. He can't control the amount he drinks, tick. And it sounds to me as if the number of 'sessions' of drinking have increased, tick again. And a final 'tick' for drinking to the point where his behaviour is an embarrassment to you and to those around him.

I'm not telling you to leave him. I think you should, but that is your decision to make. I will tell you you'd do well to contact your local Al-Anon or SMART Friends and Family. These organizations are strictly for the friends and family of alcoholics and addicts. You will find a world of wisdom on alcoholism and a great source of support. And if there is someone you can talk to IRL, do so.

Another piece of advice I'll offer, make a plan for yourself and your baby. Planning for 'possibilities' does not cause them to happen. But not planning for them can be catastrophic.

For now, just remember the 3 C's; You didn't cause this, you can't control this, and you can't cure this. And I'll add a 4th; You can take care of yourself, and your baby.

@Pregnantupset @AcrossthePond55 Please read what AccrossthePond55 has said carefully and digest. She has given you her story and confirmed what I said about the support to get.

She is correct and I cannot back what she says anymore clearly.

My ex husband is alcoholic not in recovery! I am what I choose to say is a sober alcoholic today. I am 23 nearly 24 years sober. I still go to 12 step program meetings to give back, and to remember where I never want to go back too.

I have membership for AlAnon as well as other 12 step programs and AA.

You might think you know what alcoholism is. You don't. The majority don't. The majority don't live on park benches either.

An alcoholic doesn't necessarily drink everyday, can be what we call a binge drinker, binge alcoholic. May only drink on an evening which was my pattern over approx 5 years.

If he refuses to do anything about it then you need to have plans in place to leave. Also contact women's aid as alcoholism even if it hasn't turned physical is also emotionally abusive.

Good luck and look after you and your baby first

@keffie12

I just want to celebrate you on your continuing sobriety. I know from my own in-recovery brother how hard it is to get up every morning and say "Today I will not drink". I have nothing but admiration for you and your courage.

God bless you and keep you strong.