To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

[Claraus]

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

Come on you wouldn't be saying this if it was your own child and you know that deep down. His dad is right he needs to come home. If i was with someone preventing my child moving back home I wouldn't stick around.

of course you let him move in. He’s 19, not 29. I think you’d think different if it was your own son. Your DD’s are young kids, not teenagers. They will have to learn to cope with sharing. It’s the best solution and you pitch in when you’re family.

You do have space.
You just don’t want him back.

It looks if he only moved out a year ago. It’s not going to be that much of a shock to the system for him either to share or your daughters to share.

You admit you’d treat your own kids differently, so I’m surprised you don’t realise you are being unreasonable.

You are turning him away and prioritising your own dc.

Yes YABU, you’re turning him away so your own kids can have separate rooms.

You either need to have the girls share again, have the youngest with you, divide a room (either the biggest bedroom or cordon off part of the lounge), or get something like a pod for the garden or caravan. I would probably have a chat with him first and work out whether there genuinely is any chance of him affording his own place. If not then I’d say you need to plan for 6-12 months minimum.

I think this is the crux of it - and from the dates/ages it looks as though all three resident children are solely hers, not shared, so the optics are that DH’s son is the only person being excluded. I assume that the house is equally owned/bills shared so, in essence, DH has absolutely every right to expect his own son to be accommodated. Was the impact of him moving out made clear at the time he chose to do it, though? Was the allocating of his room to eldest DD made clear to be the plan? Did anyone consider that at 18 he was very young and that he ought to have been expected to have possibly needed to return within a year or so?

I also understand that with the ADHD/age of of older DD, a forced room-share now will be a difficult, even if just temporary, and that imposing a room mate on a 15yo as his GCSEs are approaching is also a nightmare.

I think, really, the only option may be for DSS to go and stay with his DGM/the MiL or be allowed to kip on the sofa for a max of 4 weeks - and you all concertedly work to find him an affordable house-share, even if you have to stump up the deposit etc as a gesture to demonstrate that you are supporting him, not excluding him.

You need consider moving bedrooms around and dividing the largest into two. That’s what I’d do.

If he was mid twenties or older it would be sofa until he could get something sorted. 19 and out of the house for barely a year? Of course he comes home. What are you thinking op?

1. It's his grandmother's house, not his mother's
2. This is his father's home and he is equally entitled to live there
3. Can he afford a houseshare?
4. Is the bar so low that 'not going to be on the streets' makes it okay?
5. If it's so easy for DSS to live in an uncomfortable situation, then surely two of the children can do the same and share a room? It can't be so bad as they're not going to be on the streets right?
6. Will OP ensure her own children move out at 19 to live in a houseshare too?
7. Why does OP's husband have to live with two stepchildren, but she only wants to live with her three biological kids and cannot make room for her one stepchild?

And he’s only 20, as in a second year uni student. Most parents would expect kids to be back and forth between uni and home for a decent time at that age. And a house share will be absolutely grim.

YABVU

He is a child of the family and he needs help. I can’t imagine turning my son away at any age if he had nowhere to live. You have plenty of room.

If you are together 10 years then you have one child together. wtf. If DH allows this he is a terrible father choosing two step children over his own Son.

Would it be ok to you if your husband said the same if one of your children wanted to move home? If I was him this would 100% be the hill I die on. There would be no saving the marriage for me if my child was not allowed back in the home.

If he was homeless, I’d say you were being unreasonable. But presumably Granny welcomed him to stay at hers? So he has a home, just not keen on the rules/dynamics? Can you welcome him to yours for meals & to hang out at yours when not at work, then back to granny’s to sleep? Also help him anyway you can to get a house share or place of his own.

if he really can’t bear staying at Granny’s then he has to understand he’s bunking down at yours temporarily until he finds his own place.

Alternatively, is there room in the garden for a caravan?

Plus DSS had been living with them for years before moving out with his GF so it is totally understandable that he would want to return to his familiar home after splitting up with her rather than to MIL or another house share with random strangers.

Exactly.

The OP is not very nice.

@Claraus started out by saying 'Is she being unreasonable to NOT agree to SS moving back in?' to now saying PP are misunderstanding her, she is just saying 'the sofa isn't a permanent solution, how xan we make it work?'.
All the while, OP has two of her own children being housed by their stepfather but is reluctant to let his own son come home.
Her reason: DH has always been the father figure in her own children's lives. Their Dad is not really in the picture.
Well, what has he been for his own son?? A non-father figure ?!

@Claraus , you sound cruel.

His mother lives abroad.
He can’t afford a house share.
His Father has two children and a four bedroom house.
His step siblings can convert the living room.

What’s your financial set up OP? At least two of your children are not your DH’s and like hell would I be paying towards housing someone else’s children while mine was effectively homeless.

So he moved out at ‘nearly nineteen’ and he’s now ‘nearly twenty’ and therefore has been gone for a year or less

He can share with your DS15. Or your girls share again to let him have space.

Step-mothers get a very very bad rap on here , but it’s very poor looking that the only child of the family that isn’t biologically yours is being told there’s no space, despite the fact he’s still of an age where the majority of kids’ main home is with their parents and has been moved out for a very short length of time.

So...to be fair your own children must leave at 18 and never return. That would be fair.

I would end my relationship if my partner refused my youngest adult to come home unless it was clearly fair for both families you are very unreasonable.

I would think on @Claraus or your DH may wonder why he's responsible for housing your eldest two but no space can be made for his. That's the kind of thing that sits with a person, and it doesn't sit well.
I don't understand why you would be willing to damage your marriage like that.

It's not his mothers house, it's his grandmothers house. He should have room at his actual home with his father

Of course your son has his 19 year old son back! Fucking hell. The girls go back to sharing. Would you say no to your DS coming back in four years time?

This is a great solution.
You can’t turn him away. It’s his family home.
you admitted you’d make it work for your own DC.
Make room for you DSS.
He didn’t ask for you in his life, but you did choose to get into a relationship with a man with a child, that child is still your responsibility.

But clearly she is the boss, otherwise her pathetic husband would be putting his foot down, saying his son is coming home, or he'll leave with his son.
Both sound like great parents🙄