Page 8 | To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

Claraus · 2026-10-08T13:37:21+00:00

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling. We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa. I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is. AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

Hopefulsalmon · 08/10/2026 15:49

I think you are being mean and it would be a different story of he was one of your kids.

DoubleBusy2026 · 08/10/2026 15:50

RoachFish · 08/10/2026 15:46

@Claraus I think some people are reading this as me saying he can’t come home or that I don’t want him here and thats not what I’ve said at all.

That is exactly what you are saying. Both in your heading and at the end of your OP. You don't want him there because it messes with your child's sleeping arrangement. I don't know where you got the idea that you are the boss in this situation and that you have the authority to tell your DH that his son is now not welcome to live in the house with the rest of the family? If you did that to me I would be out of that house and relationship immediately and I would make sure that my child has a welcoming home whenever he needed it.

Well said 👏🏻

madaboutpurple · 08/10/2026 15:51

Have a chat and tell him he would have to share a room if he comes back, presumably he has his own room at the moment. But he may need to be very near you for some time. Have you room for a small caravan in the garden? Tha5t might give him his own space yet he will be able to meet up with his family.

Arthurnewyorkcity · 08/10/2026 15:52

My husband would even get a say frankly, my son would have a roof always. You can make it work..you just don't want to inconvenience the others. I doubt a 20 year old and 15 will want to share for long, he will soon sort a house share. He should be home

Bellyblueboy · 08/10/2026 15:53

are the children at home your husbands? By the time line I think you merged - you brought two children, he brought one and you then had the fourth child?

You have said you wouldn’t turn one of your own children away - yet you are willing to turn this young man away. So if the same situation arises with your 15 year old he will have a bed in your home but your husbands child does not?

what you do now will have long lasting implications for your relationship with your husband and your step son. You chose to have this many children - and if you aren’t planning to stop housing the other children at 18 you can’t possibly treat this young man differently.

lots of kids boomerang back home in late teens, early twenties. The other three probably will and if you refuse your step son, how can you allow the younger children back?

grinandslothit · 08/10/2026 15:55

YABVVU
He's only been gone about a year the household really has not changed that much
The two girls would still be sharing if he had not moved out
It would be completely different if you were living in a tiny studio or one bedroom flat but you're not. you have a massive 4 bedroom house.
The two girls can go back to sharing like they were have a fresh decoration of their room

RetiredFromExplaining · 08/10/2026 15:55

Claraus · 08/10/2026 15:23

I think some people are reading this as me saying he can’t come home or that I don’t want him here and thats not what I’ve said at all. I don’t dislike him, he’s my family and has been since he was 10. I just don’t know how we’d actually make it work and thats why I’ve posted.

The youngest is mine and dhs together, dd11 and ds mine but dh has always been their dad figure as they don’t see their dad. dss doesn’t see his mum either so we’ve always just been a family unit really, there isn’t a yours and mine thing here.

Dd11 really struggled with sharing when she was younger and has done much better having her own space. Dss has never shared with ds15 apart from holidays and that was maybe a week at a time so I don’t think either of them would be happy with that long term.

I’m also not saying he can’t have the sofa, I just don’t think its fair if dh is talking about him moving back in permanently. There’s no privacy for him and he gets up quite late so we’d all be trying to use the living room while he’s asleep. It might be ok for a few nights but not as a permanent arrangement.

He was nearly 19 when he moved out and we did talk to him about what would happen if it didn’t work out but he didn’t really want to listen tbh, he was convinced everything was going to be fine. I just want to find a practical solution rather than say no to him.

He has a room at his mother's. Either he works out how to live with her, or he gets a house/flatshare. I don't see why the rest of the children should have to compromise when there is a solution for him.

If he moves back in, he will piss off two other people as well as you. If he stays at his mother's he is pissing off himself.

Young adults should be helped to be independent. If he stays with you for "a few weeks" you will be back on here at Christmas complaining about the mess, and him not getting up and staying up late and never making the sofabed and gaming etc and asking how to get him out.

If he can't, and I mean can't, rather than doesn't want to, be at his mother's, then help him with a deposit and rent in a shared place rather than let him invade your space.

Bellyblueboy · 08/10/2026 15:57

RetiredFromExplaining · 08/10/2026 15:55

He has a room at his mother's. Either he works out how to live with her, or he gets a house/flatshare. I don't see why the rest of the children should have to compromise when there is a solution for him.

If he moves back in, he will piss off two other people as well as you. If he stays at his mother's he is pissing off himself.

Young adults should be helped to be independent. If he stays with you for "a few weeks" you will be back on here at Christmas complaining about the mess, and him not getting up and staying up late and never making the sofabed and gaming etc and asking how to get him out.

If he can't, and I mean can't, rather than doesn't want to, be at his mother's, then help him with a deposit and rent in a shared place rather than let him invade your space.

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I thought his mother lived abroad and he is staying with his grandmother?

Hairyfairy01 · 08/10/2026 15:57

It was pretty naive of you to think that at 18/19 he would never need to come home to live again OP. Few move out forever at that age and many spend several years bouncing between home and living independently for various reasons. You have 2 choices as far as I can see. Either step son shares with your 15 year old or both girls share and step son has his own room.

nomas · 08/10/2026 15:57

RetiredFromExplaining · 08/10/2026 15:55

He has a room at his mother's. Either he works out how to live with her, or he gets a house/flatshare. I don't see why the rest of the children should have to compromise when there is a solution for him.

If he moves back in, he will piss off two other people as well as you. If he stays at his mother's he is pissing off himself.

Young adults should be helped to be independent. If he stays with you for "a few weeks" you will be back on here at Christmas complaining about the mess, and him not getting up and staying up late and never making the sofabed and gaming etc and asking how to get him out.

If he can't, and I mean can't, rather than doesn't want to, be at his mother's, then help him with a deposit and rent in a shared place rather than let him invade your space.

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Just because he has a room at his mum's doesn't mean he shouldn't have a room at his dad's. It's not his fault his parents split up.

BlueDillieDillie · 08/10/2026 15:57

Youngest 2 are given the bigger room and share. SS gets smallest room. And get good storage for for all rooms.
Do you all share one bathroom?
Have you had a round table chat with all DCs? You don't mention it. Obvs if you ask them separately we know the outcome. Make them talk in front of each other.

Mapletree1985 · 08/10/2026 15:58

Your house is his home. You have to take him in. If it was of your own children you wouldn't think twice.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 08/10/2026 15:59

I think a lot of posters are missing the fact that he has two options

his mother's
a house share

He may not like those options, but he is not going to be on the streets, is he?

letsgoanonforthis · 08/10/2026 15:59

I wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye again if I tried to prevent SS moving back home.

And in your DH shoes I'd be seriously thinking about divorcing you over this.

Heartless. It's a tough tough world out there and he's not 20 yet, he's 19, still a teenager.

Cokeandfudge · 08/10/2026 15:59

nomas · 08/10/2026 15:57

Just because he has a room at his mum's doesn't mean he shouldn't have a room at his dad's. It's not his fault his parents split up.

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Exactly and his dad is housing two step children so should be able to accommodate his biological son too

Imseriouslyyouguys · 08/10/2026 16:00

Something is not adding up.

“He was nearly 19 when he moved out” but you say he’s nearly 20 now so that’s max one year since he moved out, but you’re also saying that your youngest has now has had her own room for two years.

Anyway, bottom line is that you’d make it work somehow if it was one of your own so you need to do the same for him.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 08/10/2026 16:00

RetiredFromExplaining · 08/10/2026 15:55

He has a room at his mother's. Either he works out how to live with her, or he gets a house/flatshare. I don't see why the rest of the children should have to compromise when there is a solution for him.

If he moves back in, he will piss off two other people as well as you. If he stays at his mother's he is pissing off himself.

Young adults should be helped to be independent. If he stays with you for "a few weeks" you will be back on here at Christmas complaining about the mess, and him not getting up and staying up late and never making the sofabed and gaming etc and asking how to get him out.

If he can't, and I mean can't, rather than doesn't want to, be at his mother's, then help him with a deposit and rent in a shared place rather than let him invade your space.

Show quote history

"then help him with a deposit and rent in a shared place rather than let him invade your space."

Invading your space? Is hat's what it's called when a stepchild lives in their parent's home? If so, I hope the DH wises up and realises he doesn't want his two stepkids 'invading his space' and leaves to find a house where he can provide a home for his children.

JHITRM77 · 08/10/2026 16:00

YABU if he was your son you would make room darling, you know it's true 💐

Londonmummy66 · 08/10/2026 16:01

Do you have one room big enough to divide in 2 with a couple of sets ok
ikEA units?
if so perhaps the two boys could share that space?

SaySomethingMan · 08/10/2026 16:01

Is he family? Really?

You know you would make room for him, if he were your own son.
The girls need to share.

Error404FucksNotFound · 08/10/2026 16:01

Whatever you would do to put a roof over your own child's head if they were in this situation, do that.

You already said youd make it work if it was your child so you cant then claim you cant see how it could work because its your stepson.

Its not that there is no way, its that hes not worth you finding a way, unlike your own.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 08/10/2026 16:01

YABVU

cartagenagina · 08/10/2026 16:01

RetiredFromExplaining · 08/10/2026 15:55

He has a room at his mother's. Either he works out how to live with her, or he gets a house/flatshare. I don't see why the rest of the children should have to compromise when there is a solution for him.

If he moves back in, he will piss off two other people as well as you. If he stays at his mother's he is pissing off himself.

Young adults should be helped to be independent. If he stays with you for "a few weeks" you will be back on here at Christmas complaining about the mess, and him not getting up and staying up late and never making the sofabed and gaming etc and asking how to get him out.

If he can't, and I mean can't, rather than doesn't want to, be at his mother's, then help him with a deposit and rent in a shared place rather than let him invade your space.

Show quote history

I don’t think he does have a room at his mothers…

EmeraldShamrock000 · 08/10/2026 16:01

He can share with his brother. Of course you would be unreasonable to say that he couldn’t move back into his family home.

sittingonabeach · 08/10/2026 16:02

RetiredFromExplaining · 08/10/2026 15:55

He has a room at his mother's. Either he works out how to live with her, or he gets a house/flatshare. I don't see why the rest of the children should have to compromise when there is a solution for him.

If he moves back in, he will piss off two other people as well as you. If he stays at his mother's he is pissing off himself.

Young adults should be helped to be independent. If he stays with you for "a few weeks" you will be back on here at Christmas complaining about the mess, and him not getting up and staying up late and never making the sofabed and gaming etc and asking how to get him out.

If he can't, and I mean can't, rather than doesn't want to, be at his mother's, then help him with a deposit and rent in a shared place rather than let him invade your space.

Show quote history

His mother pissed off abroad when he was 12. He is currently living with granny. And even if he did have a room with mum why can’t he live with dad. Maybe OP should send one of her DC to go and live with their other parent (which she can’t as they are not involved) so DSS is in the same boat.

What were your plans if DSS hadn’t moved out originally @Claraus