To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

[Claraus]

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

He was nearly 19 when he moved out

He hasn’t been gone that long so, surely?
You need to let him move back, however you arrange it.

Of course he should be able to come home, he lived with you before he moved in with his GF so he can easily move back, I would always take my kids back if they needed me too. 19/20 is still very young and it’s near impossible for young people to afford their own place at the moment.

This! its his home! the 2 younger girls share again and he gets his room back.

Of course he comes back home.

There's good suggestions from everyone, I like the room dividers one as I know that works, using the biggest room and one of the many types dividers he could share with the other boy. He's working, what time does he get up? You say late? Does he work nights? If he's working then he'll be out a good bit.

Sleeping in the living room would be awkward, unless you have room in your kitchen for a sofa and TV you could use that as your relaxing area, but if it's small then that wouldn't work, someone sleeping in the living room permanently would have to agree to be up and out of the room when others get up, he wouldn't be able to go to bed until everyone else had.

It's difficult when everyone has their own space and use to their own privacy however sometimes we have to look outside the box and consider, even try every solution to see what works best, sometimes something we didn't think would work does.

Exactly it sounds like he's been gone months if that.
Op. Get your dds sharing again, let your dh's poor son feel like he has a home.

This

You had a 4th child (your youngest) knowing that you lived in a 4 bed house.

If you didn't have space to a accommodate 4 children (in your opinion) then why did you have a 4th child? The oldest doesn't lose their space in the family because the parents made a choice to have another child.

The question isn't can he move in - thsts obviously a yes. The question is how best to make this work

Please don’t make your DD’s ADHD the reason for not welcoming him back. ADHD is a condition that needs acknowledging but can also be managed. Your DD will survive sharing a room with her sister as a temporary measure.

The reason you don’t want him back is because he’s not your son and you prefer the family dynamic you have without him. That’s understandable but unfair on him.

ETA I agree sharing with the other DS is better if their rooms can be properly divided to give private space for both.

I think he needs to go on the sofa or a sofa bed if you can get one.

You can’t tell him he can’t move home, he’s still really young.

I hear you that it’s the main living area but sometimes we just have to live with that sort of thing.

I agree that the girls don’t move back in together though.

I think you split the biggest of the 3 children's rooms somehow with a room divider of sorts (beds/temporary walls) and have him and the 15 year old son share. It's his turn to share if needs must; your girls have already done that for years and there are ADHD issues in play as well.

Yes you do have the room. And you shouldn't have had so many kids if you couldn't commit to parenting them when they need it.

Let him have the sofa. Explain to him that you needed to put DD11 into his room because she has ADHD and sharing with her sister was problematic.

So there used to be enough room. You chose to have another child, and presumably thought there was still enough room. Now magically your step child is the only one who doesn't fit. Right.

Youngest DD is shared DC

i had nearly the exact same situation happen to me (as DSD) at the age of 21. It was awful as my dad had more kids (I was living with my dad when my stepmom marriage him, when I was age 12). They basically said no room when I had a mental health crisis. I think so differently of them now, and always felt I was second class. My own half brother had a similar situation at nearly the same age and welcomed him back home. It was so shit seeing that parallel.

I think you need to do what your DH thinks here because you will be biased.

His relationship with dd11 will really suffer if he’s not allowed home because she won’t share with her sister. He’s barely been gone a year! You make it sound like he’s gone years. He hasn’t though.

Surely you see how it looks if your bio children have a room each and he has nowhere to call home?

You move ds15 and dss into the largest room and put up a divider. Lots of examples on the web

you take the next biggest room rest stay as they are

You can’t say if it was one of your Kids you would make it work but refuse dss. Dss is still your husbands child

Dss has never shared with ds15 apart from holidays and that was maybe a week at a time so I don’t think either of them would be happy with that long term.

That they have never shared a room before isn't a real reason why they can't do it now. Especially if your 20-year-old DSS isn't really thrilled with the idea, as it will give him an impetus to look for an alternative. You've said he gets up quite late. Why? Does he not work? I think you need to present this to your DSS as a problem that you and the rest of the family are willing to work with, but that he's going to have to make some adjustments to fit in. Perhaps hold a family meeting where everyone gets to put in their concerns and suggest solutions, including your DSS. That way he'll understand that his decision to move out with no back-up plan has had consequences that now need to addressed.

If it was me the answers would be the girls have the largest room (not including the master) with a divider. So you split the room. Dss has the smallest as he's most likely to be at home the shortest amount of time. Any expense is down to husband and dss to cover ie changing rooms around dividers etc.
Ikea kallx unit are great for this as they create storage and a division in one.
My DSD moved back in at 19 but that's a whole different story 😬 but I wouldn't have seen her unhappy or not welcome.

If you admit that you would find a way if it was your own kids, then you find a way because he is your DH's son. Would you let your DH tell you your 15 year old couldn't move back home if he was older & had ended up moving out before your DSS? He's only been moved out a year & he's 19, he's your DD's brother. If he can't afford a house share then he needs to come home. None of my DDs would like to share (all ASD/ADHD), but they would do if we needed the space for a relative in need.

There’s 4 years between the boys 3 years between the girls. That’s not much of a difference. Either the girls share again or the boys do. Idk which is right as the 15 yo has exams coming up. I’d maybe say to your 2 dds to share until then. And swap at this point to the almost 16 yo and almost 20 yo sharing.

Easiest decision on a divorce ever if a bloody stepparent tried to prevent my teenager coming home!

you aren’t one unit, not even family if you would consider this. Can’t imagine your husband wanting to continue housing some other man’s kids when his eldest isn’t welcome home.

so he's 19 and you're closing the door on him?
That's really poor, Op.

You’ve said it yourself ‘if he was one of your children you would tell them to come home’
He is your DH son, you chose to be with someone who already had an existing child who should also be his priority alongside other children.
Yes he’s technically an adult but he’s just been through a break up and sounds like he needs to have his family around him to get back on track. He should be able to come home as a short term measure until he has a plan.

I think once you've moved out and the remaining family have rearranged, you can't expect to move home into your own room and expect some of those remaining to share. Sofa for a few weeks until he is on his feet is fine, his own room is not fair on the others.