To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

[Claraus]

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

Sorry OP. I had not read that only the youngest is yours with your DH when I also commented on the responsibility of having more children. Please ignore that comment.

If my husband wouldn't let my son come back home at 19 but I am expected to care for, live with and subsidise two of his children, I'd divorce him. The bloody entitlement!

This is a major red flag - it speaks to hypocrisy and selfishness - and I hope your husband can see that flag flying wildly. 🚩🚩🚩

You said if it was your own child you’d make it work. Well this child is your husband’s own child so you should do the same. He’s just turned 20. He’s also been gone for such a short period time really. You said he left at 19?

Imagine if this was one of your own older children and your husband said no..

Theres no harm with him sharing with your son or temporarily sleeping on the sofa.

I couldn’t even imagine saying no to family, I’d make it work and in fact have with members of my husband’s family twice before.

Ultimately though, it seems, through your replies, that regardless of any suggestions you will bat them down and are willing to stand by your decision. I hope the lad is ok and manages to sort something out but think this will damage your relationship with your husband in the long term.

Attic? Even if ladder has to be left down. Garden room? Obviously a more expensive option and not immediate. Rearrange bedrooms so that whoever is sharing has the biggest room/room which can best accommodate a room-divider to make two separate spaces. If your kitchen is accessed through the living room someone sleeping there will really impact the whole family.

You sound a lot like my stepmother, OP. Her, my father, and her three sons from a previous marriage all moved in to a lovely 4-bed house when I was a kid. No room for me, of course, because the boys couldn’t possibly be expected to share. On the rare occasions I was allowed to sleep over it was a mouldy sofa bed on the floor of the youngest boy’s room for me.

You’re unreasonable, of course. But your husband is equally unreasonable for even contemplating turning his son away so yours won’t be inconvenienced. I hope he proves himself a good father by telling you to catch yourself on, but I know from experience that not all men are good fathers.

If he was nearly 19 when he moved out and is now nearly 20, he’s been away for a year - that’s no time at all. I think you need to find a way to make it work. Would you be happy with your own children living with a controlling grandparent? I’m guessing not. There’s no way that won’t involve a bit a disruption to your tidy arrangements but he deserves the safety and security of a family home, as much as your children will as young adults.

Am I getting confused with the timings or are two of the children not your DHs? If so, it is even more important that you allow DSS to come back and make room for him as your DH is living with two step children so he needs to house his own son..

You can't just say no to everything OP, unless you want to pay for him to rent his own flat. Would that be a "practical solution"?

Are you genuinely happy for DSS to live in a crummy cheap house share because your kids don't fancy sharing 2 rooms between 3?

You’re massaging the timeline here a bit though, on the one hand he moved out when “nearly 19” and is “nearly 20” now, that’s ONE year, yet when talking about your daughters she’s apparently had her own room for TWO years so too hard to share again?!!

if you truly are just “one family unit” you work it out, he’s going through heartbreak and needs support.

You wouldn't say no if he was your biological child.

It's worse. The DH has TWO children (dss & dd8)

Two are the OP's only, which makes this whole thing even more cold-hearted and mean.

He has only been gone 1 year. Where did he used to sleep in the house before this?

Sofa as a temporary solution. I dont think the girls sharing is fair right off the bat, but you need to find something that can work, for a while at least. What would you do if he was your son? Maybe put a time limit on it, and work together to support him finding somewhere. If finding somewhere really is impossible in a reasonable time frame then he needs to share with his brother, or the girls share again. If he doesn’t like any of those options, then granny it is I guess, if she’ll have him longer term.

I think you have to find a way to have him back tbh. Any way of taking the largest bedroom upstairs and making it 2 (even if 2 box rooms) and everyone shuffles along to a smaller room? Or divide a bit off the lounge if it’s big (presumably it is as it’s 4 beds). Or a shepherds hut or similar outside or if you have a double garage divide a bit off and insulate (a friend has done this to make a little bar and it is really nice).

To be fair, when women on this platform comment about things and saying that DH did not stand up for them, my initial instinct here was where is the DH in all this to stand up for his son- dss???. It looks like OP with her two children being housed and cared for, could really overrule this poor man’s one child who is not OP’s from returning home, at whatever age. There is room like everyone else else is pointing out out. But obviously op does not want to make changes. I’m actually baffled.

He's 19. I'm providing a home permanently til mine are 21 and out of uni, and beyond that, to stop if they are having life problems. I'd encourage them to get out there again in a couple of months, but I can't believe you wouldn't offer a place for your own 19 year old, and it would be sofa, bedroom, whatever, I'd expect the whole family to budge up on the understanding that when they are 19 they would also still be part of the family if they needed somewhere to stay.

@Claraus I think some people are reading this as me saying he can’t come home or that I don’t want him here and thats not what I’ve said at all.

That is exactly what you are saying. Both in your heading and at the end of your OP. You don't want him there because it messes with your child's sleeping arrangement. I don't know where you got the idea that you are the boss in this situation and that you have the authority to tell your DH that his son is now not welcome to live in the house with the rest of the family? If you did that to me I would be out of that house and relationship immediately and I would make sure that my child has a welcoming home whenever he needed it.

What on earth is wrong with a room in a shared house? It's not so long ago I was living in something similar and I'm still in touch with my old flatmates. If he was a student he would likely be living in a house share anyway.

I had a very messy breakup in my mid 20s and was really glad to be able to stay with my parents/grandparents for a few weeks while I got my life a bit back together again. But it was a few weeks, not a long-term thing - and I didn't want it to be any different!

I'd say offer the sofa and see what his plans are. Supporting him doesn't have to mean letting him move back for months - it's about getting him back on his feet and getting on with his life. He probably doesn't want to retreat to his childhood bedroom either!

I’ve already posted and did so before i realised that OP’s DDs were not shared with her DH. It makes little difference overall - refusing to allow DSS to return home would be unforgivable whether all their other DCs are shared or not.

Why can't the boys share? The girls did when DSS was living there so it's the boys turn now.....or are you going to teach your DD's that that they should always step aside to keep boys/men happy.

Fgs of course he has to move back in.

That poor boy. That’s his home. Wherever either of his parents live is HIS home.

Absolutely this 100%

Can't he bunk in with 15 yo DS for a bit or something. Most young adults that age are still primarily part of parents household, even if they move out during uni terms they are back for long chunks of vacation.

Its on you for having 3 more DC.

He is 19 and his parents advised him very poorly. Moving in with a girlfriend at 18 is rarely a good idea and should have been strongly discouraged.

I think his father still has an obligation to help house him if he is a responsible young adult. If he is working, but simply facing the reality of low wages and high housing costs, he needs parental support.

You have options even if some of them are extreme. You could move to a home big enough for your entire family. You could divide the largest bedroom. You could subsidize his rent elsewhere.

I do agree that the sofa and putting siblings who aren’t doing well sharing space back together are not good solutions.