To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

[Claraus]

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

This

He was nearly 19 when he moved out and now he’s nearly 20? So a year he’s been gone? So your girls have only had their own rooms for a year?

Absolutely you make room for him! I can’t believe it’s even a question. You make it work. Poor lad!! His mum lives abroad, he lived with you from what? Aged 10 did you say? Where else is he going to go? How to make him feel wanted eh? He should be able to come home. Have the discussion about whether it’s a long term thing or is he planning on finding somewhere else to live? He might not want to come home permanently. It might be hard for him to adjust to being back at home. He might end up back with his girlfriend. Have the conversation. Find out his thoughts and plans. I imagine he’s devastated to be in this situation.

The boys are 15 and 19 - absolutely fine to share until your step son moves out. The girls have only very recently had their own bedrooms whereas your son has never had to share. It’s his turn to share.

I think it's fair to say that he's more than welcome to sleep on the sofa for a few weeks and any longer would mean bunking up with ds but that you're happy to sub a house share.

You do have room and lots of options.
How unkind you are.

Classic Mumsnet blended family situation.

OP's children are fully the stepdad's responsibility but his children aren't even worthy of a sofa when they are still just 19.

Even if you don't care about his son (and clearly you do not) - sort this out OP because your husband is otherwise going to say "fair's fair, your DS can't live with us after he is 18 either then". Or TBH leave you earlier than that because it is absolutely shitty what you're asking him to do - fund and house your kids but not his own.

You need to do whatever necessary (even if inconvenient) to allow him to move back in. He's so very young and needs support.

It’s his home.

When your own kids are older would you deny them lodgings in this circumstance?

If he was nearly 19 when he moved out and he’s now nearly 20 it’s been a year not 2.

Of course you have him home. You have 2 choices that warrant discussion but you have to pick one of them. If he thinks it will be short term then the sofa. If not or he doesn’t know then your girls need to share. It’s not ideal but he is part of your family. If he hadn’t moved out a year ago, he’d still have his room. There was always a chance he’d be back. He is still very young.

You have room you just don't want to . You are being v unreasonable and mean

It’s very convenient that the “nearly 20” year is a ‘grown adult’ yet the 15 year old is simply 15.

It’s not weird though. She’s openly said she’d be making it work if it was one of her children. Shes justifying to herself why one of her husbands two children should be told they cannot come home while her not-much-younger son and daughter have their own rooms, as well as the shared child.

I hope the DH acts quickly before the DSS realises that his mother left him to go abroad and now his father is allowing his step mother to bar him from their four bedroom house that was plenty big enough just a year ago

Wow I can't believe you would refuse him I would figure something out

• He’s still a teenager, make room
• You seem happy that your DH treats your kids as his own, but isn’t reciprocal it seems?
• He is as entitled to a space in the home, just as your children are.
• you need to stop centring yourself in this and using your DDs ADHD as an excuse.

In the husband’s shoes I’d already be considering plans to split.

The fact the OP is open that she’d be making it work for her own biological children but is so resistant to his child would be a relationship ended for me.

You don’t have to love them like your own, but expecting your own to have three of the four bedrooms and his son not even to have a sofa is ridiculous. Especially as he lived there and it isn’t the case he can just go to his Mums.

Your step-son is your husband's child. He doesn't stop being your husband's child, just because he's 20 and an adult.

You do have options: your DS15 and DSS share a room; your DD11 and DD8 share a room or you put a futon/sofa bed in the lounge temporarily.

Your step-son went to live with his girlfriend at 18; given that most relationships at that age don't last, the possibility of him needing to come home, should have been on your radar.

It may be that your husband and his ex, need to financially help their son to secure a house share. At the very least, your step-son needs to know he can come home, even if it's to a sofa bed in the lounge, and is welcome.

You say he was nearly 19 when moved out and now nearly 20. So been gone just over a year

yet you say your daughter has had own room for nearly 2yrs

how long has he been gone ?

course he has to come back

what’s his long term plan ?
move out /flat share or stay for a few years and save ?

a sofa isn’t ideal but fine for a few weeks - any longer and need another solution

so whether the sons share or daughters

or partition the largest room and two smaller rooms but means own space

build a pod /garden room in garden for £3/5k - was a thread a while back

Sorry but you’re out of order - you do have space and need to make it work, like you would for your own child.

agreed. It would tell me everything I need to know.

Of course he should come home.
He can stay on the sofa until you all work out a better solution.
He is still 19 so he's a very young adult. Many 19 year olds go away to university and they still have a room at home. He moved out and you gave his room away to one of your children straightaway. Now it's difficult to make your children share again. I think you should have waited a bit to see how things turned out with him moving in with his girlfriend.

And as you said, if it was your child you'd have no hesitation in having them back.

Yabu, poor lad, I can't imagine being 19 and having nowhere to go home to if I was struggling. You do have space, it'll just be inconvenient. If you say no, it's basically telling him you're not willing to inconvenience yourselves for him, which is a pretty low bar as parents.

YABU. You have room. Make it work. Stop being so mean.
if siblings need to share a room then so be it.

The house is ours jointly, me and dh, and we both pay into the same account for the mortgage/bills etc

When he says mil is controlling he means she wants to know where he is, what time he’s coming back, who he’s seeing etc and she has quite a lot of rules in her house. He says he feels like he’s 15 again when he’s there. I don’t know how much of that is him being nearly 20 and wanting his own space though tbh.

The rooms aren’t tiny but they aren’t big enough to properly divide either. The the boys (inc dss old room) rooms are probably about 9ft x 10ft and the girls room is a bit smaller. We could technically put another bed in with ds15 but it would be very cramped and they’d have no proper floor space. I don’t think dd11 and dd8 sharing again would be impossible, but dd11 really struggled with it before and she has been so much happier having her own room.

We don’t have an attic we could turn into a room and the garage is a single garage with no heating/plumbing etc and its full of stuff atm, so thats not really an option either.

Dss doesn’t work nights. He works normal hours but he tends to get up quite late, around 9.30/10, especially on days he’s not working, so the sofa would mean everyone having to tiptoe around him in the morning.

He had actually been with his gf since he was 16 and for about a year before he moved out he was spending loads of time at hers anyway, sleeping there most nights and they went away on holidays together etc. So it wasn’t like he suddenly disappeared, and dd11 was using his room when he wasn’t there anyway. We did talk about it all before he moved but he was nearly 19 and thought they were going to be together forever tbh.

In the circumstances, you’d think that would have been part of the litany of weak excuses if it was that case.

This is your DH's child. Maybe he's not your child but your DH would be abhorrent to turn away his son on the say-so of his new wife. Whatever he does to DSS now could well be done to DD8 or DD11 if something awful happens to you and DH is on wife #3, with young children fathered by DH, when your DDs are 18-20. How would you want your daughters to be treated then? Whatever you would want for them is what should happen for DSS now. 18-25yo young adults are not ready to be fully independent and it was wrong to reallocate the bedrooms in ways that don't leave room for DSS. When DDs stopped sharing it should have been expressly and overtly stated that they might have to move back in together if DSS needed to return. You need to accommodate him - potentially by splitting up the largest bedroom with a room divider.

You do have the room. You have a 4 bed house. You have to make room and make it work the best you can. Would you abandon your own flesh & blood if they had nowhere to live? I think not. Imagine being a young adult and you are about to become homeless. Just imagine how that feels. Just imagine doing this to your own children.
4 years ago I had my then 36yr old daughter sleeping on my sofa for 3 years because she had split with her partner. I didn't have a spare bedroom but I did have a 4 seater sofa which made a great bed. Do not abandon a member of your own family because you don't want the inconvenience.