To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

[Claraus]

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

How about an insulated garden room - would that work doe DSS? Some available from Dunster House at about £7k https://dunsterhouse.co.uk/garden-offices/dominator-classic-garden-office-w5-5m-x-d2-5m?_gl=11921169_upMQ.._gs*MQ..&gclid=CjwKCAjw_pzWBhAkEiwAwDCi1d0SzOaUMulgpkIJdHFxba8hjRsngDoVrV-Rs7QdpY63lyQWXvpH4hoCBt8QAvD_BwE

You should treat him as you would treat your own child. I'm not convinced you would treat your own child the same here though.

I think it’s unconscionable that you’re using the word “fair” when discussing whether OR NOT your husband should be allowed to have his son come home when he has nowhere else to go. Your DH is housing two children who aren’t his. You may say till you’re blue in the face that this isn’t a mine/ours/your thing, but it 100% is. What possible reason can you have for not wanting your husband’s son to love with his parent so that your biological daughters can have a room each with their parent? How can that ever make sense?!

This is my opinion too. You absolutely cannot say he cannot come home. That is awful. The 2 boys share the largest room splitting it with a curtain or kalkax unit. One of the kids will move out/ go to uni in the not too distant future & you can rearrange again. Alternatively if space allows section off part of the lounge and use that. Each stage in kids life is temporary. You need to make room for this boy for this stage of his life.

She's openly admitted in another post that she wouldn't! The audacity, I'd be fuming if I were her DH

‘And yes if it was one of my own kids I’d obviously want them home and I’d find a way, which is why I’m struggling with it’

I’m sorry, but I think you’re using the fact he’s a stepson as his get out of jail card to leave him with nowhere to live
If it was one of your own kids, I doubt you’d do the same
The situation is obviously far from ideal but you’re just gonna have to make it work

It’s even worse to think he’s helping to keep a roof over the heads of your two children, who aren’t biologically his! I assumed he was the father of them all. I hope he puts his foot down and says there will have to be some re-jiggling of rooms to help out DSS

It could be you and his DSC that may have to look for a house share if you don’t start thinking of the bigger picture, because any decent dad would tell you what’s happening regardless of whether you like it or not!

You’re being very weird with times and ages: ‘nearly 20’, so he’s just 19. ‘He’s 15’, funny how he’s not nearly 16. ‘has had her own room for two years’ That just makes no sense, it cant even be quite 18 months. Also ‘Just the living room and the kitchen’ in a 4 bed house. You’ve not said the bedrooms are like shoeboxes, so at least one of the downstairs rooms is pretty large. The only way any of what you’ve said makes sense is if your household somehow warps space/time, and in which case you should get onto CERN or the Max Plank Institute because it should be studied. Somebody could get a Nobel Prize out of it.
He doesn’t need to sleep on the sofa. Either he can share a room with his younger brother or you can accommodate a fold up bed in one of your voluminous ground floor rooms.
Poor boy.

If your stepson was nearly 19 when he moved out and is nearly 20 now, that's about a year. So your 11 year old hasn't had her own room for two years.

Could be a town house with two bedrooms on each floor so doesn’t necessarily have large ground floor rooms.

He hasn't been gone that long. You're one family and this is his home. Best option maybe boys sharing but you have to make it work as you would if he was your biological child. Anything else is really inappropriate. He's 19, he still needs you, his dad and his siblings.

Let him sleep on the sofa, set ground rules that others will be intermittently using the room from 7.30am to 11pm (or whatever times suit the family), and he needs to be up and tidied away for that period each day.

Sympathise, help him think what he wants next (because the chances are, he won't want to live like that forever, and will move to live in a house share in a mo th or two).

Ask him for a contribution for the cost of the food he eats if you need it...but of course he can come HOME, to the house where he grew up. You've asked advice, and you've had your answer, he's family, and its wrong to turn him away, at 19.

My youngest brother didnt really have a home to live in from the age of 18, through no fault of his own. My parents prioritised their partners and their own lives.

He doesnt really have a relationship with them.

Dont do this to your partner and step son.

All our DC, whether step or other are always welcome to come back to our home, whether we have room or not.

Perhaps temporarily and maybe understanding they no longer have their own space but always welcome.

Obviously most kids would prefer their own room, but that's not possible in this case. So it's just a question of who gets which room, who shares and who doesn't.
I would call a family meeting of the children already at home, tell them DSS will be coming back to live for a while, and it's just a question of how to manage it. Ask what their suggestions are, and how they can make it work. You might find they come up with a workable solution, though you'll have to make it clear that DSS in the living room is not an option. They need to be able to discuss this with you without DSS being there so that he isn't made to feel unwanted.
Once you've heard their thoughts and proposals, then speak to DSS and tell him what you are able to offer: eg sharing a room with DS which will mean being considerate about his needs, or getting the smallest room to himself which will mean the girls have to share so they get priority over the TV, or letting DD use his room as a bolthole while he's out.
There's not a perfect solution, but everyone feeling welcome and adequately housed is good enough.

what would you say if he was your son?

You make room, can he share with DS?
sub optimal but you decided to have 4 children but only 3 bedrooms.

This 🙌

He’s your husband’s child, YABVU. How heartbreaking that he might have nowhere to go, even temporarily.

You need to give him your room then and you and your DH sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge..
If your saying he can't share with his 15 year old step brother
And your saying the girls can't share
Then there is no other option
You know you would move heaven and earth to accommodate your own children in this situation..
My daughter left home at 18 .came back at 19 with a boyfriend,left home at 21 bought a house ,came back at 23 when she sold it ..each time we had to shuffle the bedrooms round for her .but no one minded, because you do for family

i completely agree!! how awful for the poor lad. He is 19!! tbh if her was her partner, this would be something i would leave her over.

exactly this!!!!!

If someone I was married to tried to imply that my teenage child was not welcome in a home I contributed to whilst expecting me to house their children then I would end the marriage.

Of course you have to let him come home if that’s what you would do for your own children. He’s DH’s own child and doesn’t have a mother to live with. Look at getting a room split or converted if no sharing options work.