To say no to SS moving back in because we have no room

[Claraus]

I’ve been with dh since dss was 10 and he lived with us full time from 12 as his mum lives abroad. He moved out at 18 into a house share with his gf but they’ve split up now and apparently she has most of his stuff. He doesn’t want to stay with mil as she is very controlling.

We have 4 bedrooms. Me and dh, ds15, dd11 and dd8. Dd11 has adhd and has dss old room, the girls used to share but have had their own rooms since dss moved out. Dh thinks dss should just come home and dd11 can share with dd8 again or dss can sleep on the sofa.

I feel awful saying no because obviously he is family and I’ve known him since he was little, I don’t want him thinking we’re just shutting the door on him. But I don’t think putting dd11 back in with her sister is fair either and I don’t think dss can realistically live on the sofa. dh says I’m making it more complicated than it is.

AIBU to say he can’t move back in because we genuinely don’t have the room?

YABU. If you’d do it for your own kids you should be doing it for him too.

boys can share. it’s a little inconvenient but not that big a deal! you can do alternating month if you really want (girls share 1 month, boys share 1 month etc).

I'd have DS home in a heartbeat but the idea of rejigging all the bedrooms, buying and building IKEA dividers and all that while parenting 3 kids at home (and probably working) makes me want to lie down. I'd rather pay his first 3 months in a house share.

He can’t sleep on the sofa. He either shares with your DS or your DD’s share. You have to make it work.

Just a word of warning. I moved out at 18 and was never welcomed back to live at my parents house.
I subsequently spent years bouncing around addresses and finding unsuitable partners. Now, alot of these issues are my own. But. Since having my own DD I swore that she would always, and I mean, ALWAYS have somewhere to come back to. No questions asked. Do I want her to be independent, of course. Would I ever shut the door on her if she struggled as an adult? Absolutely not. Find a way.

This happened to a friend of mine and she was 17, there was no room at the inn for her when she tried to move back home because her Mum and new husband had a baby. She’s 50 now and it still hurts her to talk about it. She mentions this to her mum often and it really upsets them both, but she just can’t get past it. She actually ended up marrying somebody completely wrong for her because he could put a roof of her head.

What about his mum. Can he stay with her. Do you mean she moved abroad and they aren't in touch.

At 19 you need to let him back, most are at university at that age and come back, you were probably hasty in reallocating his bedroom.

Or DS and Dss share with the divider so each has ther own space use the kallax down the centre with a curtain at the end.
But expectation around living together needs discussion with all family members involved so a feeling of inclusion is built. You want them to they the decision is being with them rather than to them.

How awful that the OP would make the effort for her own child but not for her step son. Just awful.

Op maybe he was convinced everything would be fine but it wasn’t.. so to hell with him then? You have no choice- your girls share whether they like it or not. It’s no more their family home than his.

Ok, so he's actually 19. Of course he should be able to move back in. Surely you must have known it was always on the cards? You have plenty of room.

Your husband is helping to house two children who aren't his own. His stepchildren. It makes no sense that he can't do the same for his own child, 20 or not.

I would look at you and dh paying towards a houseshare for him, as it's clear you really don't want him there.

Yes, I was wondering about the downstairs layout of a 4-bed house.
Wouldn't there be some kind of second reception room? (Why, even my grandparents had a never used ‘front room’ as well as the living room they spent their days in, and the house was a 2-bed.)
A bit of creative thinking could surely sort this out. Maybe the master bedroom merits its name and really is the largest: couldn’t it be partitioned nicely for the two lads, and their parents take the younger boy’s room?

(As for the young man perhaps crashing in at all hours, it’d affect everyone, not just the younger boy on the other side of a partition so DSS would need to be aware of the needs of others. Sleeping late? Well, tough because DS has to get ready for school. And so on.
More important would be the younger one studying. DSS would have to agree there’d be absolutely no racket from his side during agreed reasonable hours.
But these are trivial matters, and it’s to be hoped DSS wouldn’t feel unfairly treated and expect to carry on like one of the Young Ones!)

I totally agree with this, it is really awful to think that he cannot be allowed to return. He needs support at this time, it will be emotionally damaging for him to be rejected by his family when he is at a low point.

Just help him with a room in a shared house, honestly l had both my adult children back at covid times its hard.

At his age he probably doesn't particularly WANT to come home either. Once you've had your own place, it's hard to go back to living with parents. Can you help him financially to move in somewhere independently, with a deposit or as a guarantor? Does he work full time? Even a studio or bedsit would be better than moving home and sharing with a younger siblings.

Is the house owned 50/50? Just on a distribution level this isn’t fair. You have 3 children at home, one joint. Effectively your dc get 2 1/2 rooms and his child get 1/2 a room.

I live in a 4 bed house. We have a small living room and a medium kitchen downstairs, plus a toilet. The next floor is 2 beds and an en suite, the top is 2 doubles and a bathroom. There are thousands of 4 beds with little space downstairs as they have an integrated garage.

Having children means you sometimes have to make the right choice rather than just what's easiest. My DCs are older than this young man but if they need to come back and stay then I'd move heaven and earth to make that possible because that's what good parents do.

What is his plan? Is he moving permanently or is he moving until he finds a houseshare?

You've been offered multiple solutions on this thread. What you should be doing is going to get him, and bringing him home.

If your ND daughter struggles sharing a room, make sure she has the biggest room to share, set up dividers, make clear boundaries around possessions, and buy headphones etc., to make it a better sensory experience. Or likewise, set the boys to share with a divider. No one should be left in the living room like an awkward house guest.

You're saying your DH is the only father your DC have known, but you're not acting very motherly towards his child.

Agreed, he very obviously needs to move back and should be housed like your son and daughter. He's 19 FFS.
Would you'd leave your 15 y o without a home in a few years time? What would you think of your DH if he wanted to stop you housing your son in a few years

Ffs

Yes, you are a bit unreasonable. However, I can understand that you don't want it to be long term. I think you need to sit down and have a full conversation with all the family.

Absolutely this! The neck of you OP!