MIL Christmas dilemma – AIBU to not want DH spending most of Christmas Day driving?

[Foxy200]

I’m really struggling with this and could do with some outside opinions.
MIL is in her 80s, lives about two hours away, doesn’t drive and has been on her own since FIL died 15 years ago. DH is an only child, so realistically we are the only family she has at Christmas.
She is extremely introverted and has always found staying anywhere other than her own home very difficult. She doesn’t particularly like coming to ours and can only really cope with being around people for a couple of hours.
Historically, when she comes for Christmas, she wants DH to collect her late on Christmas Eve and take her home first thing on Boxing Day. With the driving there and back twice, DH ends up spending about five hours of Christmas on the road.
This year my parents are coming to us. MIL has never spent Christmas with us when they are here. There’s no falling out and she doesn’t dislike them — she just finds having other people around very difficult — so I strongly suspect she will decide to stay at home.
Normally I would think that was entirely her choice.
The complication is that when she has stayed at home in previous years, she sometimes hasn’t answered the phone all day and has even unplugged it. DH then becomes so worried that he drives two hours there to check she is OK and two hours back. On the occasions this has happened, she has been absolutely fine.
However, this year we are also concerned that she may be developing dementia and are waiting for an assessment. She is increasingly forgetful and there have been occasions when she hasn’t remembered who we are. So I completely understand why DH is worried about leaving her alone.
DH is now suggesting that if she won't come to us, he drives up on Christmas Day, spends a couple of hours with her and drives home. Realistically he could be gone for six or seven hours.
And this is where I’m struggling.
I don't want to be horrible about an elderly woman potentially developing dementia, and if this were my mum I know I would be worried too. But I also don't think the answer can be that DH spends a huge chunk of every Christmas driving around the country.
She is invited to ours. We genuinely want her to come and would make her welcome. She could have a quiet room to retreat to and wouldn't be expected to sit socialising all day. But if she decides she would rather stay at home, should DH then miss most of Christmas Day to go to her?
The other thing I'm struggling with is that even if DH agrees not to go, I'm not sure how any of us actually enjoy Christmas.
My parents will be here, but if MIL is at home alone and not answering the phone, DH will spend the day worrying about whether she's OK. I'll know he's worrying and I'll feel guilty trying to enjoy myself with my parents while he's anxious about his mum. We'll potentially spend Christmas Day waiting to see whether she answers the phone and wondering whether DH is going to end up getting in the car anyway.
So it feels as though whatever we do, Christmas ends up revolving around MIL.
There is also some history that probably affects how I feel about this. DH had a very difficult childhood and left home at 16. From 16 until he met me at 29, MIL essentially left him to spend Christmases without her. I have to admit I find it hard not to feel some resentment that our family Christmases now revolve around making sure she isn't alone when she didn't seem to have the same concern about him when he was young.
At the same time, she's his mum. She's elderly, she's alone and she may have dementia. I absolutely don't want DH sitting at home worrying that something has happened to her, or feeling terrible if he doesn't go. And if this were my own mum, I suspect I'd feel exactly as he does.
We also have an 11-year-old son, and I feel quite sad at the thought of his dad disappearing for most of Christmas Day. There aren't that many childhood Christmases left.
I'm starting to think the real issue is that we need some way of knowing MIL is safe without DH having to drive four hours every time she doesn't answer her phone. If she is becoming unsafe to be left alone, then obviously this is much bigger than Christmas and we need a proper plan for her care.
But in the meantime I don't know what the answer is.
If she comes to us, she will be unhappy because my parents are here and she finds being around people overwhelming.
If she stays at home, DH will worry about her.
If DH goes to see her, he misses most of Christmas with us and our son.
And if he stays home but spends the whole day worrying about her, I'm not sure any of us will enjoy Christmas anyway.
AIBU to feel that we can't keep doing this every Christmas? And what would you actually do in our situation?

I agree with you about cameras but disagree about everything else.
The thing is that this woman never bothered about Christmas. In fact, she quite clearly elected to spend Christmas alone with her phone unplugged well before dementia took hold. This is her preference. Despite this, op and her husband would routinely drop in on her because they felt bad and worried and have done so for the last 10 years.
A person with dementia should still have a choice in matters where she is capable of making a decision. We must always presume capacity! Both by law and as compassionate human beings.
If MIL expressed her preference to have the son over at her house for Christmas celebrations, that would be one thing. But, from what I gather, for years she expressed her preference for not celebrating at all.

It's life. It's what happens with ageing, frail relatives.

You've just got to power through and make the best of it.

Leaving her alone is not the solution. Dh goes at some point be it Christmas eve and returns for a later lunch Christmas day.

Chances are by Christmas she might not know it is Christmas. If she has never liked being amongst other people that will probably be heightened now and she will get more confused as she may not recognise people. Upset can also arise if these people know her and she can’t understand how they know her. A room she can go to if it gets all too much might not be helpful as she might get confused where she is as she won’t recognise it.

So her going to OP’s is not a good idea

It appears MIL has never liked Christmas and all the fuss that goes with it (some people don’t). So the chances of her being upset that OP and family don’t visit her this year are quite slim.

OP I would get daily carers sorted as soon as possible and ensure they will be available over Christmas period. Then visit MIL the weekend before or a few days before. But you might not even mention Christmas as she might not understand it

Many people do have a clue. Situations won't be exactly the same but I guarantee many have issues over Christmas with frail relatives and or those with medical issues.

The perfect Christmas obviously does not exist. Doing the best we can to assist those, even if they're difficult at times, is far preferable to thinking we can just write them off as its too far/too hard/spoils it.

We live in hope we don't have to go down the dementia road as apparently 40 years on diazepam and lorazepams vastly increases her risk of developing it!

@Gloriia but for many people with dementia routine is key. Christmas is not routine and can cause upset and confusion. Care homes who specialise in dementia care recognise this and may treat residents over Christmas differently due to their understanding of Christmas

For sure - buts it’s a grind after 11 years whilst doing the lovely bits of early motherhood - you’re allowed to feel conflicted and resentful as well as have a conscious & do the right thing - the unspoken truth of caring for elderly relatives beyond a bit of shopping or popping in . I feel the the OP is trying to get her head round that and talk it out loud . It’s hard when you have the “ would never … brigade or could you do this bunch “ … who have never actually yet experienced it . Right must go ! I was signing off last time - it something I feel very strongly about . Plus the woeful misconceptions on dementia care

If you read OP's latest post, it is obvious that her MIL's needs have been prioritised every single Christmas since their son was born. This is despite OP's MIL never being an even adequate mother to OP's DH

'DH had a very difficult childhood and left home at 16. From 16 until he met me at 29, MIL essentially left him to spend Christmases without her.'

Toxic people, particularly parents, don't miraculously turn into saints in old age. In fact, they often become even more selfish.

OP's MIL having dementia doesn't wipe the slate clean in terms of her treatment of her son over the years. This isn't a loving mother who has recently become difficult due to dementia. She has never been a good mother to OP's husband. He, on the other hand, sounds like a very loving and caring son to a mother that has done nothing to deserve it. No wonder OP is frustrated.

It's easy for you to write a post full of attitude because it's not you that's going through it!
You talk like the MIL lives five minutes up the road! It's two 4 hour round trips to bring her to visit and take her back again! What if she becomes distressed and wants to go home the same day, maybe even after just a few hours! That's the OPs husband potentially on the road for 8 hours! I can't say I'd want my partner doing that! If an accident shuts a road somewhere it may take even longer.

You are claiming that nobody on here understands dementia except you but you don't seem to understand how volatile or unpredictable the dementia MIL has might make her if you are dragging her back and forth and putting her in a room with OPs parents that she may not recognise which may make her distressed! Dementia doesn't take the day off because it's Xmas!

You also are very scathing about the cameras because you are the one with the lack of empathy or understanding! You have the luxury of not having a parent that plays manipulative games like that! Inhumane is my brother who lives in the same town as my mum having to go and do "death checks" because she goes through phases of talking about not wanting to be here and then not answering the phone to anyone! Inhumane is my brother having to check my mum's breathing because when he gets there she's guzzled wine on top of tranquillisers!

The cameras you hate so much are to give the OPs husband peace of mind because he lives 2 hours away! How could you not see this and be so ridiculous about it! His mother has dementia and you don't think that time has come for him to put safeguards in such as a camera to check on her welfare? It's not inhumane when she's clearly got signs of dementia! You could just sit back all week and not know could you? Are you sure it's everybody else that's not empathetic and doesn't understand dementia?

The only issue with cameras is the lack of internet, these things would only work if they were connected to an internet network that many elderly don't have.

The camera is actually a good idea....my SIL has one for her father (who has carers visit him) and she can keep an eye on him (when she's not there) and rush over if he gets in to difficulty. It's a back up tool for safety.

My friend had a camera put in her Mums home so could check on her if she couldn't get hold of her. Obviously not in the bedroom and bathroom but everywhere else - just to put her mind at rest when she's working.

This 👆

All.of this

Yep

This is an unpleasant, possible narcissistic mother who has had everyone dance to her tune as she sees fit, after ignoring DH at Christmas for over a decade, starting in his childhood.

Poor DH with the learned dynamic of never being good enough, feels guilty unless he always putting the mother before anyone else.

Last year, after endless years of this relentless shit from the mother, DH and OP decide "enough." Because it's at the expense of their child.

And when they finally look like they might have their first Christmas without her trying to make it revolve around her, there's this cruel twist of a health diagnosis. Needing support is a given, but it doesn't change everything that has gone before. She's played games and manipulated every year she could.

As suggested, OP needs to find the nearest local group who volunteer on Christmas day to do a couple of checks. So the mother can't deliberately go silent in order to guilt her son into rushing over in a panic.

Then you can see her Boxing Day. Don't let her ruin every last one of your sons Christmases. He's 11 already. Have one, just for you, do you not think your son deserves it.

Oh what a dilemma!
You’ve pandered to her all these years despite her leaving your DH to fend for himself from age 16 !
Is it at all possible to get an Airbnb near MIL that is quite large and will accommodate all of you plus your own parents?
Organise around that , pick her up then take her home after she’s spent a few hours with you all ?
That could mean that you all share the driving on Christmas Day so it’s not just one person ferrying her about on Christmas Day ?

Kindly, I do have a clue. I have a clue as a former carer looking after people with dementia and I do have a clue as an AHP working with this population. What I see all the time is conflict of interest - carers who are understandably concerned and are trying to manage their own expectations of that they think is the right things to do and wishes of the person with dementia. And these two things rarely align. So it is common for carers to assume that they are doing things in person's best interests and that the person themselves don't have capacity. But capacity is not a blanket thing. A person may not have capacity to make decision about cameras installed in their place as they don't have insight into their illness and how it affects their safety but they may have capacity to decide that they don't want family to visit. Both things can be and often are true at the same time. Furthermore, the person may have capacity to make a decision about a particular issue on Monday afternoon but not on Tuesday morning. And even if we do decide that the person does not have capacity, the decision to do something in their best interests is based on what their wishes likely have been historically and not on what their carers feel is easier to live with.

Now, I don't know this person but, from what OP is saying, she historically never particularly wanted to have Christmas celebrated as a special occasion. If they are concerned about her safety on a regular day, then they need to think about how to ensure her safety every day of the year. But, so far, it seems as though she is managing fine with weekly visits. This will change but it is the situation at the moment.
Therefore, their decision is not based on her best interests but on managing their own emotions - guilt, upset, worry. All very valid emotions, mind you. However, this does not change the fact that we can't treat a person with dementia as someone who can have their agency taken away from them just because they have a diagnosis and relatives feel guilty that they are alone at Christmas.

One thing I would say in respect of people thinking their relative is managing fine if they are not seeing them on a daily basis, is that they might not be and you can’t always rely on what they say. In early stages with my mum, when I wasn’t visiting on a daily basis, she would tell me, on our daily phone call, in great detail what she had eaten for lunch. Whereas in reality some days she hadn’t had lunch, her main meal, at all. She was just remembering a meal she had eaten at some point in her life. She was either stockpiling her medication or not ordering certain tablets as she didn’t know what they were for. And most importantly she wasn’t drinking as much fluid as she should be. Might have a glass of water by her side but it didn’t necessarily mean she was drinking it.

But our daily phone calls weren’t picking up any of these issues. Now my life consists of daily visits, at least one usually 2 or 3, checking or cooking meals which may involve checking contents of fridge, oven, freezer, bin if she states she has eaten before I arrive. Constantly pouring her drinks and encouraging her to drink. Checking medication and me bring responsible for ordering and sorting in her pill box.

Yes - I know capacity is decision specific - we went through all this in Covid - sat in a best interests meeting over a zoom call that took the authorities to organise one that took 9 weeks for UK whilst my parent languished in a&e ward that I could not visit as the city had gone into lockdown . My mother was allowed and could not be prevented from screaming down a phone at me that I had abandoned her and I was an awful wicked person and my father would have turned his grave because at that point she seemed to have capacity to phone her relatives . That was fun .

• the law imo does not necessarily recognise though the massive massive strain put on dementia carers on a practical & financial basis though .There is no infrastructure to back up its humanitarian and legal aims.

Lots of dementia patients want to stay in their own homes . The authorities don’t necessarily want to apply for a DOLS . They aren’t necessarily coughing up the cash for the cash for the wish of dementia patient who has no insight to their condition to remain at home . I spent 9k of my parents lifetime savings in two weeks flats on 24 hour care during the first round of covid on the clock carers and relief carers . The social worker refuse to come round and told me to just to take her to the nearest carehome . So kindly I was a little more than “ concerned “

I hope you can see that OP's current situation is very different and advice she is given is based on her MIL's current presentation. And if she ever finds herself in the horrible situation you were in, I am sure that her husband's whereabouts on Christmas day would not be the first worry that comes to mind.

Reading your update, it really sounds as though your MIL has never been that bothered about Christmas. It's only the fact you've kept up the thankless to-ing and fro-ing for so many years that is making you think you should do something this year. In your situation I would go and see her before Christmas, take her out for lunch, exchange gifts or whatever you would usually do, have Christmas with your mum and dad as planned, DH can do his usually daily phone call and then go and see her again after Boxing Day (or whenever you would normally see her after this). You are doing everything you can, you see her every week, phone her every day, you are putting things in place - it's certainly not the case you've buried your heads in the sand regarding her care. It's likely to be a long road so you can take a couple of guilt-free days to celebrate Christmas with your son and his other grandparents and see her before and after the event. You've said it yourself, if she's been on good form she would likely have refused to come anyway. It sounds like she's always been a grudging participant in any case. This is not a case of one last magical Christmas, it's another year of everyone doing what they think they ought to do and pleasing no one.

Of course but as @sittingonabeach points out when the cards fall - they can fall very quick sometimes and a lot gets hidden and masked for a long time . We started off in her situation - the unplugged phone , the family history of strained relationships and being there no matter what . I really object to her being painted as uncaring or selfish by some posters

Great idea 👏🏻

This is not a case of one last magical Christmas, it's another year of everyone doing what they think they ought to do and pleasing no one.

Indeed

But after nearly 20 years of Christmas being affected in one way or another,

I can relate. We have been through the "my" elderly patents stage and are now doing it with the in laws.

You could get a nanny cam and organise a carer to visit twice, i know she might not like this but a possible solution. Is she friendly with her neighbours would one of them be willing to check in. Seems a bit manipulative to disconnect the phone I am not being horrible but if she does have dementia she might forget how to do that. I feel for you all but your DH sounds like a good man after his childhood experiences.