MIL Christmas dilemma – AIBU to not want DH spending most of Christmas Day driving?

[Foxy200]

I’m really struggling with this and could do with some outside opinions.
MIL is in her 80s, lives about two hours away, doesn’t drive and has been on her own since FIL died 15 years ago. DH is an only child, so realistically we are the only family she has at Christmas.
She is extremely introverted and has always found staying anywhere other than her own home very difficult. She doesn’t particularly like coming to ours and can only really cope with being around people for a couple of hours.
Historically, when she comes for Christmas, she wants DH to collect her late on Christmas Eve and take her home first thing on Boxing Day. With the driving there and back twice, DH ends up spending about five hours of Christmas on the road.
This year my parents are coming to us. MIL has never spent Christmas with us when they are here. There’s no falling out and she doesn’t dislike them — she just finds having other people around very difficult — so I strongly suspect she will decide to stay at home.
Normally I would think that was entirely her choice.
The complication is that when she has stayed at home in previous years, she sometimes hasn’t answered the phone all day and has even unplugged it. DH then becomes so worried that he drives two hours there to check she is OK and two hours back. On the occasions this has happened, she has been absolutely fine.
However, this year we are also concerned that she may be developing dementia and are waiting for an assessment. She is increasingly forgetful and there have been occasions when she hasn’t remembered who we are. So I completely understand why DH is worried about leaving her alone.
DH is now suggesting that if she won't come to us, he drives up on Christmas Day, spends a couple of hours with her and drives home. Realistically he could be gone for six or seven hours.
And this is where I’m struggling.
I don't want to be horrible about an elderly woman potentially developing dementia, and if this were my mum I know I would be worried too. But I also don't think the answer can be that DH spends a huge chunk of every Christmas driving around the country.
She is invited to ours. We genuinely want her to come and would make her welcome. She could have a quiet room to retreat to and wouldn't be expected to sit socialising all day. But if she decides she would rather stay at home, should DH then miss most of Christmas Day to go to her?
The other thing I'm struggling with is that even if DH agrees not to go, I'm not sure how any of us actually enjoy Christmas.
My parents will be here, but if MIL is at home alone and not answering the phone, DH will spend the day worrying about whether she's OK. I'll know he's worrying and I'll feel guilty trying to enjoy myself with my parents while he's anxious about his mum. We'll potentially spend Christmas Day waiting to see whether she answers the phone and wondering whether DH is going to end up getting in the car anyway.
So it feels as though whatever we do, Christmas ends up revolving around MIL.
There is also some history that probably affects how I feel about this. DH had a very difficult childhood and left home at 16. From 16 until he met me at 29, MIL essentially left him to spend Christmases without her. I have to admit I find it hard not to feel some resentment that our family Christmases now revolve around making sure she isn't alone when she didn't seem to have the same concern about him when he was young.
At the same time, she's his mum. She's elderly, she's alone and she may have dementia. I absolutely don't want DH sitting at home worrying that something has happened to her, or feeling terrible if he doesn't go. And if this were my own mum, I suspect I'd feel exactly as he does.
We also have an 11-year-old son, and I feel quite sad at the thought of his dad disappearing for most of Christmas Day. There aren't that many childhood Christmases left.
I'm starting to think the real issue is that we need some way of knowing MIL is safe without DH having to drive four hours every time she doesn't answer her phone. If she is becoming unsafe to be left alone, then obviously this is much bigger than Christmas and we need a proper plan for her care.
But in the meantime I don't know what the answer is.
If she comes to us, she will be unhappy because my parents are here and she finds being around people overwhelming.
If she stays at home, DH will worry about her.
If DH goes to see her, he misses most of Christmas with us and our son.
And if he stays home but spends the whole day worrying about her, I'm not sure any of us will enjoy Christmas anyway.
AIBU to feel that we can't keep doing this every Christmas? And what would you actually do in our situation?

Different being in familiar surroundings than it is being put in a hotel etc, where you could wake up completely disorientated

If you’re not recognising your family members it is not “ early stages “ .
early stages - can look like just being sheer bloody minded - getting locked out - suddenly getting into arguments with good friends - drinking more - losing interest in tv - buying endless stuff - hoarding stuff - insisting on doing things your way - hysterical - being childish - bumps and prangs in the car -not being able to swim
anymore - suddenly less empathetic the list goes on - it can be subtle and dismissed as set in their ways etc . They mask - there is hostess mode following set routines - once out of home they become overwhelmed and a bit distressed frequently . A lot of people
coild benefit from looking up the work of Teepa Snow an American geriatrician. - she is really good at explaining the stages in dementia and how carers can adapt

Have her to you on Christmas Eve. Then let her be home quietly on Christmas Day. Before any of that, install cameras so that you can keep an eye on her on the Day. No need to keep them on all day or intrude on her privacy, but if she does the phone off thing, you can check in on her.

I get why he wants to. But for me, unless he does this on his every day off then no, he shouldn’t be going. She has the choice to come and have room out of the way or stay home.

I haven’t read all the other replies here so tbh is might have already been said, but this would be my approach:

• have an honest and open conversation with your husband, in particular focussing on the fact that it is one of your sons last childhood christmases, might be the last time it really feels magic as he approaches teenhood and that he and you as parents might look back on this poorly if DH does spend the time visiting as expected. See how DH responds, if he agrees it’s not the right thing to do (especially given she hasn’t historically been that sentimental about Christmas for him)
• from there, make a plan on what options you present to his mum in terms of her coming to you, eg where she can retreat to and what can be brought in to make her more comfortable
• more broadly but especially if she’s unwilling to come for Christmas, consider some kind of camera and / or alarm that she’s comfortable with, frame it as being for her safety, reassuring that you won’t encroach in privacy, etc but make it clear that there needs to be some measures that allow reassurance without the drive, especially if she has previously unplugged the phone (which I don’t know what the rationale isv)

I feel your pain here. I had similar experience involving a potential 2 x 4 hour trip on Christmas Day for my husband to bring my mum to us and then take her home again. The hotel option worked for us as it was close by and mum could go there if she felt she had had enough of the excitement of 2 small boys! In later years we visited on Christmas Eve and did ‘Christmas’ there. Either way it’s a stressful time for your family and your husband will need all the support you are giving him. Good luck with everything. X

My 75 year old mum like to play the not answering the phone game when.she has one of her mental health crashes, she'll threaten suicide and then refuse to answer phones to make my aunt panic, I take it with a pinch of salt these days. I won't let her grind down my sanity!

I think in terms of the MIL, I think it's already potentially getting too dangerous for her to be alone at home 2hrs away, she could do with daily care visits of it could be attached with the authorities - god forbid she does something like leaving the gas on or forgets she has a bath running etc.

Why are you so worried about your MIL one day of the year? What about the other 364 days? This is a bigger problem than one day a year.

Sorry to hear about your DM’s mental health, I hope she gets the help
she needs.

It's not an easy one, I believe she has borderline personality disorder which my brother, aunt and I have had to deal with in the ten years since my dad died. The issue we have is that none of her doctors will speak to us, we've kept telling them she needs help but we are always in the dark as to whether she's getting any or not such is the mental health system in the UK! Luckily I live 36 miles away from her so I can keep visits to a Saturday every 3; weeks or so unless she's in a dark mood and refuses visits. They ply her with benzodiazapines which compound her issues and make her more of a liability to herself.

I can relate, this was my DM all her life, then she developed vascular dementia at quite an early age so you can imagine that combo.

Thank you for all your posts. I've just got back from work so I'm reading them all now.

To answer a few points, medically we've done everything we can so far and are waiting for the next appointment. In terms of her day to day care, we are very much on it. We see her every week, DH phones every day, we've bought cameras and we're looking into carers. The latter two are difficult because MIL doesn't believe there is anything wrong with her or that she needs help, but we know longer-term support needs to be put in place.

I think what I'm struggling to explain is the emotional conflict. If this were the first Christmas MIL had needed us because she'd suddenly become unwell, there wouldn't even be a question. We'd just do whatever was needed.

But it isn't. For years Christmas has revolved around what MIL can cope with, with either DH or all three of us spending hours driving backwards and forwards.

When we've gone to her for Christmas in the past, it's actually been quite sad. There are no decorations, no Christmas food or anything really happening. We drive two hours to get there, take her out for a meal so we can have some sort of Christmas together, then drive two hours home again. We've always done it because we don't want her to be alone, but it means a huge chunk of our Christmas is spent in the car.

After last Christmas DH and I finally agreed this wasn't fair on our son. He's 11 and there are only so many magical childhood Christmases left. We agreed MIL would of course always be invited and made very welcome, but we weren't going to spend Christmas Eve and Boxing Day driving backwards and forwards again because she only wanted to stay for a few hours. So just as we'd finally decided to put a boundary around Christmas, everything changed.

If she were well, I'm almost certain she wouldn't come this year anyway because my parents are here. We'd probably have Christmas with her the week before, invite her to ours, and if she chose not to come we'd have to accept that — although I know DH would still worry and we'd feel guilty about her being alone.

But now that worry and guilt are magnified massively. There's the horrible thought that this could be her last Christmas, or that by next Christmas she may not know who we are at all.

If DH goes, I'll feel sad and resentful that we've lost another family Christmas. If he doesn't go, I know we'll both spend the day worrying about her and feeling terrible that she's alone.

That's the dilemma. If this were a one-off, there would be no question. But after nearly 20 years of Christmas being affected in one way or another, just as we'd finally decided things needed to change, circumstances have changed in a way that makes holding that boundary feel almost impossible.

Could you put a cheap web cam in her most used rooms .
you can tell her or not
we use one for our dogs called an Elf from Amazon not expensive. You can talk through it too if necessary
and have the app
on your phone .

but at least you will see if she’s just snoozing with the phone off or weather she’s in dire straits .

they just sit high up in a room so she probably won’t notice just need to plug it in somewhere she won’t disconnect it .

You can get a camera to check that's she's safe (live feed)....as long as you have her permission of course, but that way you can keep an eye on her for peace of mind

There’s no solution, your DH visiting and you having Christmas Day with your parents and your DS is probably the best option.

I am going to be really blunt. I am sorry.

I don't really understand this sentiment of feeling terrible because someone is alone at Christmas when Christmas is clearly just another day for them. I had to fend off pity invites all through my single life because people just couldn't understand that I loved having three days off work to spend with my dog, cook some steak for one and take long country walks and didn't need to schlep half way across the county to a be a spare at someone else's family Christmas because it would make them feel less bad. I know people wished to be kind but for some of us Christmas is just an excuse to have a quiet couple of days with a shit tele and a bag of crisps.
While I appreciate that your MIL is unwell and you may be genuinely worried about her safety, she seems to be sort of OK on other days of the year so far. Just because it's Christmas (even if it is her last one), it doesn't mean she is more unsafe on this particular day compared to any other.
So the issue is not her. The issue is that you and your husband are trying to manage your own emotions and, unintentionally, ignoring the wishes of a person who seems to be quite sure of what she wants to do. Unless she has been deemed to lack capacity, you will have to put her wishes first and leave her to spend her "last" Christmas in a way that she wants to spend it.

I agree with @Catza's appraisal of your situation. Your MiL does not put a value on "celebrating" Christmas day in the same way that you and your DH do. Her health is not going to be any more adversely affected on Christmas or Boxing Day than it is on all the other days of the year. If you are happy with the contact you have with her at present, why would you need to change that just because it's December 25th or 26th? On the other hand, if her health is deteriorating so much, is she safe to be left alone on any of the other days? Rather than make your "problem" what to do with/about her on Christmas, I think you need to be focusing on what you should be doing to help her at this stage of her life. The answer to that may be help her to move somewhere closer to you or it may mean increased visits to her. But that's about all the time. So whatever your DH & you do to help your MiL from now going forward should just be factored in to what you decide to do on Christmas.

I would invite her to you anyway, if she declines, maybe to save your husband from worrying he could install a camera at hers that he could use to check in on her to check she is okay? If she is getting dementia it may help with that too ...... Ie seeing what she does but doesn't remember and to keep her safe if she goes for a wander and gets lost....

A couple of DM's neighbours had a spare door key, so that on the odd occasion I couldn't get hold of her, I would ask one of them to pop round and check on her. It really helped reassure me. Eventually, she did get very poorly and I had to go and get her and bring her back to my home, but it did stop me from having to make lots of trips just to check up on her.

Her last one with any cognitive ability. Yes she might live another ten years but with no idea who her son/grandson is.

OP’s husband having a ‘last’ christmas taken from him because it is not convenient to the OP is cruel.

but then having read this thread, the lack of empathy, understanding of dementia and how it affects people is very much on display.

the suggestions for cameras and intrusive devices is ilegal and quite frankly inhumane, ooh lets check a camera and record someone over actually being present in their lives in what is a very scary & confusing time for someone. Actual madness

Your DH understands his role. Don't interfere wrong time of her life to make points.

“ If she is getting dementia it may help with that too ...... Ie seeing what she does but doesn't remember “

This is awful awful inexperienced advice for caring for someone with advancing dementia ! Please don’t do this !!!!

@Foxy200 I’m so sorry to hear what is happening . Genuinely please go the elderly board - you will get so much more support and informed advice there . I totally understand your frustration and your aching desire to ring fence one Christmas at least for the sake of your son. . Once care is in place it will make a little bit easier and lighten the load - Dementia takes a team. it will create a new level of management for which the next of kin is responsible though . It is not the meat solution some posters think it is I’ve shared bits and pieces of my experiences on this thread My mum spent her last Christmas with her carers( she had a live in in 24 hr carer) My husband had done his bit for 10 years and ils want to see us and as mum neither cared or realised it was Christmas - we went there . It was one day , it made others happy and I knew my mother was safe . Once your DH knows his mother is safe, it will probably make it a bit easier . But none of it’s easy, everything gets compromised . caring and dementia does hijack your lives and if you haven’t experienced it especially being the next generation down then people really don’t get it . Good luck x

I agree with @Catzaalso. Who wants to spend hours in a car on Christmas Day driving? It’s not fair on your son or any of you. Mil should come to you

I think people need to read the OPs update . It’s the emotional conflict .
Those of us who have done this journey with small children , babies and young teen totally get it . ( I was an older mother of an older mother )
it’s really difficult to host someone with advancing dementia . It’s not just forgetfulness.
You do have to factor in other relationships in an impossible situation .
by the way the poster who mentioned respecting the MILs wishes until she was deemed to lack capacity - yeh dementia caring doesn’t play out like that . Kindly . YOU . DO . NOT . HAVE. A .CLUE

I wish a lot of posters luck because in 10 years or so they may see these scenarios play out on their lives . Fingers crossed for a care system. That it is properly funded with more education for trained carers . Because that does not exist now unless you have very very deep pockets . Good luck everyone