MIL Christmas dilemma – AIBU to not want DH spending most of Christmas Day driving?

[Foxy200]

I’m really struggling with this and could do with some outside opinions.
MIL is in her 80s, lives about two hours away, doesn’t drive and has been on her own since FIL died 15 years ago. DH is an only child, so realistically we are the only family she has at Christmas.
She is extremely introverted and has always found staying anywhere other than her own home very difficult. She doesn’t particularly like coming to ours and can only really cope with being around people for a couple of hours.
Historically, when she comes for Christmas, she wants DH to collect her late on Christmas Eve and take her home first thing on Boxing Day. With the driving there and back twice, DH ends up spending about five hours of Christmas on the road.
This year my parents are coming to us. MIL has never spent Christmas with us when they are here. There’s no falling out and she doesn’t dislike them — she just finds having other people around very difficult — so I strongly suspect she will decide to stay at home.
Normally I would think that was entirely her choice.
The complication is that when she has stayed at home in previous years, she sometimes hasn’t answered the phone all day and has even unplugged it. DH then becomes so worried that he drives two hours there to check she is OK and two hours back. On the occasions this has happened, she has been absolutely fine.
However, this year we are also concerned that she may be developing dementia and are waiting for an assessment. She is increasingly forgetful and there have been occasions when she hasn’t remembered who we are. So I completely understand why DH is worried about leaving her alone.
DH is now suggesting that if she won't come to us, he drives up on Christmas Day, spends a couple of hours with her and drives home. Realistically he could be gone for six or seven hours.
And this is where I’m struggling.
I don't want to be horrible about an elderly woman potentially developing dementia, and if this were my mum I know I would be worried too. But I also don't think the answer can be that DH spends a huge chunk of every Christmas driving around the country.
She is invited to ours. We genuinely want her to come and would make her welcome. She could have a quiet room to retreat to and wouldn't be expected to sit socialising all day. But if she decides she would rather stay at home, should DH then miss most of Christmas Day to go to her?
The other thing I'm struggling with is that even if DH agrees not to go, I'm not sure how any of us actually enjoy Christmas.
My parents will be here, but if MIL is at home alone and not answering the phone, DH will spend the day worrying about whether she's OK. I'll know he's worrying and I'll feel guilty trying to enjoy myself with my parents while he's anxious about his mum. We'll potentially spend Christmas Day waiting to see whether she answers the phone and wondering whether DH is going to end up getting in the car anyway.
So it feels as though whatever we do, Christmas ends up revolving around MIL.
There is also some history that probably affects how I feel about this. DH had a very difficult childhood and left home at 16. From 16 until he met me at 29, MIL essentially left him to spend Christmases without her. I have to admit I find it hard not to feel some resentment that our family Christmases now revolve around making sure she isn't alone when she didn't seem to have the same concern about him when he was young.
At the same time, she's his mum. She's elderly, she's alone and she may have dementia. I absolutely don't want DH sitting at home worrying that something has happened to her, or feeling terrible if he doesn't go. And if this were my own mum, I suspect I'd feel exactly as he does.
We also have an 11-year-old son, and I feel quite sad at the thought of his dad disappearing for most of Christmas Day. There aren't that many childhood Christmases left.
I'm starting to think the real issue is that we need some way of knowing MIL is safe without DH having to drive four hours every time she doesn't answer her phone. If she is becoming unsafe to be left alone, then obviously this is much bigger than Christmas and we need a proper plan for her care.
But in the meantime I don't know what the answer is.
If she comes to us, she will be unhappy because my parents are here and she finds being around people overwhelming.
If she stays at home, DH will worry about her.
If DH goes to see her, he misses most of Christmas with us and our son.
And if he stays home but spends the whole day worrying about her, I'm not sure any of us will enjoy Christmas anyway.
AIBU to feel that we can't keep doing this every Christmas? And what would you actually do in our situation?

People on MN are very brutal towards older people.
As pps say, it's very easy to be brisk and forthright when you've never been in the situation yourself. A bit like fantasising about what fantastic parents you will be before you have children.
I wonder if those posters will feel tge same when they are in the position - or are even the nuisance elderly person themselves.

Very well said!

^ this. If she lives alone, a camera for safety is perfectly reasonable!

I couldn’t agree more. I’ll you’ve be there, you just don’t understand.
If you’re young, you think you never will be old!

Can you all go over and see her, together as a family, on Xmas Eve or something?

@Catza. 100% agree.

This.

I really agree with both of you @SixtySomething and @WhyGetInvolved

I am a really Christmassy person, but we all know that there are some people who just don't like it! Every year, there are MN threads about people who want to have pizza or go skydiving on Xmas Day.

The MIL may have dementia, but she has shown for a long time that she isn't interested in Christmas.

As for turning her phone off - am I the only one who mutes annoying relatives on WA? Or sometimes just "doesn't see" a call coming through?

We only know what the OP posts obvs but it is all about the DH deciding he must race up the motorway or bring his mother to his.

Maybe she just doesn't want to talk to him on Christmas????

Also all the suggestions about bundling her into a taxi etc are just appalling.

Also this!

I am finding this thread really difficult to read, because of a lot of the absolutely dismissive posts regarding dementia - as if it's a very minor factor, and basically MIL should still be judged on her actions just as you would judge a well person doing the same thing.

If she is now forgetting who her family are, it's very likely she has been suffering from dementia for a long time, but perhaps the family have not been aware. For a few years my mom insisted my dad was unwell but my brother and I couldn't see it - we didn't live nearby then (moved back as soon as I realised how serious things were) and so unfortunately (and I am deeply ashamed of this now) it just wasn't obvious how much he was struggling.

He actually only very rarely confused us with other people, even right at the end. And this was a man who could not have survived without daily intervention, and who eventually died of his illness (stopped eating and drinking). Not recognising your family is a pretty severe dementia symptom!

Quite frankly OP, Christmas doesn't really matter much compared to this! It's one day of the year. You have much bigger problems, and your poor husband is facing one of the most horrific, upsetting ordeals that is commonly faced.

Let him do as his heart dictates at this time, please. Your son's Christmas won't be ruined if his dad is gone for a few hours. Lots of kids have separated parents and still have a fantastic time and happy memories of Xmas. In fact, if your husband does make the effort to grow he is teaching your son a fantastic message about the importance of love and compassion towards the vulberable.

Let your lad get up early and have his presents when dad is still there (most kids love this at Xmas). Then while your husband goes to be with his poor mom for a few hours, you and your son can have some brilliant mom/son bonding. (Most kids thrive on one to one time with one parenr, so they can be the full focus of attention).

Then have your festive meal in the evening when your husband is back - he will need cheering up - with your parents too.

Sounds like a gorgeous Xmas to me! (Admittedly mine is going to be me and mom, trying to distract ourselves from the fact it's Xmas because we are missing my dad so much, and he passed around this time. My dd will be with her dad and we will have a magical time together on a different date - I can't leave my mom alone at this time because she needs me the most).

Count your blessings, rather than creating a picture in your head of some perfect Christmas and feeling bitter that you can't make that happen. I promise you, happiness lies in making the best of all the good things you have.

And if this does prove to be MIL's last Xmas, or the last one where she remembers who she is, I am sorry but you'll never forgive yourself if you stop DH being with his mom.

If it was me id suggest he goes to see her in the morning christmas eve, spends that time with her then comes back that afternoon and you spend christmas day together and dont try to ring her until the evening

Well if she has dementia will she even know it’s Christmas Day? Could you all go the week before Christmas and do a kind of early Christmas with her ? If you can’t stay with her book a travel lodge and take her out for Christmas dinner, exchange presents etc

Totally understand your Christmas concerns.
Would it help you to think of it as a Festive week... rather than everything having to happen on one day?

Have Christmas with your own family unit and your son... and then morning after boxing day ( having booked an airbnb to stay overnight in. ) you could have a second Christmas with MIL. Let her know the plan in advance so she knows she will still have a "family" Christmas.. and if you are staying in airbnb, its no disruption to her household. You can go out for a meal and then she can have her normal routine (with a bit of company from you) and some presents.... and see you again for breakfast etc.. (so you are not doing there and back in a day. Your DH can help her with things that need doing, but crucially you won't feel like you've given up another Christmas.
It also gives her a break from suddenly having a lot of activity and people around when she is used to and content with being on her own. It can all be a bit overwhelming, if she has dementia. That way you could interleaf the family time/meals/visits, with calmer more routine periods for her so that its not so full on.

You have a whole week between Christmas and NYE to see family. Make the most of it and let them see that it doesn't all have to happen on one day. It's just as good and frankly less exhausting all round if its spread out. We don't tend to live in such close proximity as people did in the past, so I think that's the way its evolving now.

You are right to prioritise your son. ( We had 20 years of a relative telling us it was probably their last Christmas - we had to comply with other people's ideas of Christmas)

Do not feel ashamed. When my DF was suffering he would put on a ‘show’ when I visited, so I never saw the symptoms my DM did. Now I am going through the same with my DM. She now lives near me, but as I posted previously I didn’t pick up on all the early signs. And in fact I now think there were some signs when my DF was alive but because we were concentrating on him, missed them. I now visit my mum daily so obviously pick up many more things. But I can see her putting on a show when visiting doctor etc when she is telling them there is nothing wrong with her and it can look like there isn’t, whilst I am wibbling in the corner with the strain of looking after her.

That’s the most sensible suggestion on the whole thread .

It's a DH decision, but my view would be that she needs to understand the challenge this causes and one person's uncomfortableness (hers) is preferable to 5 people not being able to enjoy Christmas. She either comes to you or she answers her phone .

Damn thats sad, you only have one life and you only get so many Christmas when your kids are young and its magical. I wouldn't be travelling long-distances with my children to please others. I feel for your son actually, he will remember this as his childhood Christmas.

I can’t think of anything worse than trying to create a lovely Christmas in someone’s Airbnb, with a kitchen you don’t know.

I take it that MIL is fully aware it's Christmas and does the phone unplugging thing specifically on Christmas day.

If that is right, what I would do is do the whole Christmas day thing with your parents on Christmas eve and then Christmas day you can have a relaxed day with your family while DH drives to see his mum.

You should get out more.

I think it is your husband who is the issue.
His mother doesn't care about Christmas, hence 16-29 he didn't celebrate it with her and you have borne this for 20 years.

Your poor son is collateral damage in this.
I'd be so pissed off with my husband that he couldn't get his shit together and accept his mother.

The dementia is just more of it.
You are going to so bitterly regret that his drama has dominated every year at Christmas.

The woman is happy alone.
Leave her be.

Enjoy your Christmas with your child and parents and let your husband do whatever.
You have been conditioned by him to accept all of this.

How tedious.
Mind yourself.

Coming to you would be ideal, especially if she can take herself off to have her quiet time alone. However, I'm wondering if she has wi-fi at home so that your DH can monitor her with an internal camera? They are so handy to check on people & I know others that wouldn't be without them. Worth a thought? I hope you find a resolution.

Well, surely the most obvious solution would be for your dh to go to mils early Xmas eve, then come back and spend Xmas day with you and your ds?
Your mil obviously doesn't care about Xmas (historically), so whats the issue?
Wrt potential dementia - sadly, you often have to drop the rope and let the crisis happen.

This is really tricky OP and totally get why you feel the way you do.
I think firstly, you need to confirm what your DH thinks is best but sounds like you had a big convo last year.
from the options given, I think your MIL should come to your house and as you said, be able to retreat to her room if she finds it too much. This will resolves the worrying from your DH and also means he’ll definitely be at your house on Xmas day. It’s not the perfect option but don’t think there is one unfortunately

I think "he's not much of a father" is one of the most disgusting things I've seen on here