Forgiving infidelity with my sister

[Horsey22]

The relationship is over, it was 10+ years ago. I just can’t bring myself to forgive my sister, she’s never apologised and we’ve never spoken about it since. It was my husband and father to my children. Do I leave the past in the past?

Why would you just accept it? That's so sad that you didn't feel you could tackle her. I would suggest speaking to her and venting your feelings now. Tell her how betrayed you felt. Tell her 10 years on it still hurts. See what she says, and judge your next actions on that. If she apologises and is sincere you could consider keeping the relationship. If she is unpleasant you could consider cutting her off. Listen to your guy and respond accordingly, don't crush your feelings down.

Thing is, that could make OP feel even worse, because she won't get the reaction she was hoping for. Her sister is not sorry and is not normal.

"Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it."

Look, we get it. You bought into the "Let Them" cult, because it meant that you could tell yourself that not holding people accountable for their actions was better for your mental health. Its not true in the long term, but ok, it works for you.

But please, stop trying to sell your cult to everyone else.

when I was 3 my mum went into hospital to have my sister. My mum’s sister was staying with us and we only had a 1 bedroom flat so she was sleeping on the settee. I woke up in my bed to see her coming into the room and saying to my dad she was cold and he invited her into his bed and I’m sure you can guess the rest. I told my mum and my dad and aunt said I was imagining things. So my mum being very young and gullible believed them. Fast forward 57 years and my mum now knows through the family grapevine it’s true and she will never forgive either of them and is very bitter so if you want to forgive it’s your choice

Never ever could I forgive.

My ex, no kids, never married, was seeing a friend of my family behind my back, and one of my sisters covered for them, lied to my face and even after the break up still protected him. It's been 6 years, and I still don't talk to my sister.

Stuff that I would never forgive either of them. Rotten. Ryan Giggs slept with his brother's wife I remember and everyone thought he was a sleazy toad. Awful.

I slept with my sister's husband once at a family event in Madrid. She found out about it and was of course livid, but I never liked her and she voted for Brexit so I don't really care what she thinks. Is there any chance your sister feels the same way regarding your opinion of the incident?

Huh? Cult? Sell? I bought the audiobook many months ago and am only about 20 mins in. I just think it's a great concept, to let go of things you can't change.

I think you hold people accountable by not having a relationship anymore. But when someone has done something horrendous that they can't undo, and isn't even sorry, the only thing you can do is walk away. OP won't get the reaction she's looking for from her sister. Likely, she'll just get more hurt. And she doesn't have a relationship with her anymore, from the sounds of it. I would agree that OP isn't holding her accountable if they continued shopping together and having outings together, etc.

I'm not selling anything and I'm not in a cult. 🤣 I'm saying that radical acceptance can be a good thing when we don't have much other choice. There's really no need to be so rude and angry. But then, you're a person who says they need a wheelbarrow for their grudges, so....How's that working out for ya?

Wow, angry much? I meant it in a teasing, kind tone.

The cult you bought into has been proven to be a plagiarized work by someone who claimed to have had an epiphany.

That you are ok for falling for that is on you. I say that in a "kind, teasing tone".

Depends if you want reconciliation or forgiveness.

To forgive is one way letting go.

Reconciliation is the mutual restoration of a relationship. It requires both parties (to varying degrees), demonstrate change, rebuild trust, and often safety.

You can forgive without reconciling; reconciliation without genuine forgiveness is usually fragile

She sounds like she doesn’t want to do the work on this (and you haven’t held her accountable).

I read something re family dynamics too. I’d suggest therapy for you to change how you relate to parents & sister entirely. What you are doing isn’t working for you. You need better tools to move you through this.

I am amazed at your restraint.
I would not only never speak to my sister again, I would also cut out my parents for freezing me out and refusing to talk about such an important topic.

I couldn't forgive this myself. What kind of sister would do that if she has any care for you at all?

Forgiving doesn't mean that everything's OK, though. You can forgive someone without ever telling them and without ever speaking to them again. It means to stop holding on to all the hurt. It's like that old saying, "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." I find it's helpful to think of forgiveness in the sense that a bank forgives a loan. The bank moves on from wanting the debt paid back. It doesn't decide that the loanee is just great at paying and wants to loan them more money again. It just decides to walk away instead of continuing to ask for repayment that's never going to come. It's for your benefit and peace of mind, not for the perp's benefit.

In 2014, my oldest friend, who I'd known since we were three, did something truly awful to me. I tried to get past it, while remaining at a distance. Eventually, I confronted her over email (we lived a long way apart) and her response told me everything I needed to know. She absolutely was not sorry and could not have cared less. At that point I went absolutely apeshit at her. And I haven't spoken to her since. Twelve years on, I have forgiven her in the bank-loan sense. I am grateful for the forty years or so of friendship that we had, especially the thirty best years. I am keeping the silver amethyst necklace that she gave me for my thirtieth, in case I ever feel able to wear it again. I kind of regret losing control. I had already expressed myself very clearly to her and got an answer. I don't even know what she said back, as I blocked her. It didn't do any good except stress me out and make sure there was no way back if she ever DID want to own what she'd done and apologise profusely. Nothing can fix what she did, and I'll never be able to be good friends with her or trust her again, but I feel it's a pity not to be in touch with someone who knew me my whole life, and vice versa.

I don't think forgiveness is a good term. I think it's more accurate to say that I moved on from the hurt. I stopped feeling angry and shocked. It was very helpful, because it automatically meant that I moved on from other uncomfortable emotions around it, too, like remembering how awful it felt to have her turn against me and just after my mother died, too. When you forgive, in the bank-loan sense, you move on from the whole mess.

I hope OP is able to get to that place. I did confront my betrayer, though. And her answer told me a lot. So I got closure.

Yes, I understand and have heard that saying before. However, that might depend on individual understanding of what it means. To me, being able to let go of the person and thing that happened doesn't require forgiveness. I can let go of giving it time and energy and feelings, but that doesn't mean I have forgiven something irreconcilable. Some things aren't forgivable. My sister sleeping with my husband would come under, "I am never going to let you back into my life as that has crossed such a line, I can never give the action grace." To me, grace is part of forgiveness and I can let go without giving that.

I couldn’t agree more.

What was your husband and father? Did your sister have sex with both of them? The post is confusing.

You’re still with him 10+ years later. Why ask now? Did something else happen?

What you describe is exactly what I did with the person who betrayed me. I chucked her out of my life 12 years ago and have had nothing to do with her ever since - but I have moved on from the pain and hurt. That's what I call forgiveness. To me, forgiveness is not saying that you want to carry on having that person in your life or that you're OK with what happened. It means rubbing the emotional slate clean, for your own sake, and not being eaten up inside over it anymore. Like a burden you put down by the roadside.

You wonder if you should forgive your sister. Have you forgiven your husband? Many people could not.

I don't think she's still with him. She said that both marriages broke up.

Read (and comprehend) the thread. She’s long divorced. The opening post made it clear it was her husband and the father of her children. One and the same.

I just read her posts again. She says they separated at the time and her marriage is over.

You can break up and still forgive people. I just wondered because she didn’t mention struggling to forgive him or not, just her sister. Maybe she takes as a given that she
hasn’t forgiven him, but it’s unclear.

I find it impossible to forgive people who have done serious damage or hurt to me or to those I love, but who have no genuine remorse. Who tend to say, “But that was years ago!” Does that mean it didn’t happen? No. Does that mean it had no effect? No. Does that means those effects don’t still impact life today? Again, NO. OP, you were brave and stalwart and did what needed to be done for your children. If you need to confront your sister now, you’re entitled. But don’t be surprised if she makes excuses or
blames everything on you. She knows the truth, even if she won’t admit it.