Forgiving infidelity with my sister

[Horsey22]

The relationship is over, it was 10+ years ago. I just can’t bring myself to forgive my sister, she’s never apologised and we’ve never spoken about it since. It was my husband and father to my children. Do I leave the past in the past?

The fact that your parents 'didn't want to know' screams dysfunction to me.

You were a victim of massive betrayal by your sister and husband, their grandchildren were victims of a family breakup caused by their father and aunt.

That your parents didn't rally to offer comfort or support, or show a healthy anger at your sister, to show they were on your side, for what she did to you and their grandchildren is despicable IMO.

OP I've been through this and I reacted the same as you! I'm frustrated as to why I didn't get mad and hate them/go no contact but I genuinely thought they'd never do that to me. I think shock and denial made me block it out. It was just TOO unbelievable but the things I saw were obvious really. My family is dysfunctional and my exH was a violent alcoholic which probably added to things.

I had delayed betrayal/realisations maybe 1.5 years after knowing and it broke me mentally. Please do get counselling if you can 🫂

I would never have spoken to her again. Sadly you have to have occasional contact with XH due to DC but your sister? No way.

Bloody hell what a shock. That sounds hideous. Well done you on putting one foot in front of the other and carrying on, looking after the children and just getting on.
Now with time you are looking and realising what an awful betrayal it was. Your anger at your ex has probably dissipated as he is not that important in your life but your sister is still there. She obviously wants it glossed over but you would be entirely reasonable to try to get some closure on this now.
I think getting angry now is understandable, I can see why that would happen.

I admire your resilience.

Of course, you don't have to forgive her. That was a really low move on her part.

Therapy might help you. Your family certainly won't.

Christ almighty! Your sister was caught shagging your husband at a family party?? Where the kids were too???
I find myself really hoping this is a made up thread!!!
If it’s not, then please op, book yourself some therapy. That is an enormous, unthinkable betrayal. You cannot just rug sweep it, it will come back, as I think you are now discovering.
A decent therapist will work through this with you. Part of that might involve pointing out to your sister that she is, in fact, a despicable, disappointing human.

Getting therapy for yourself so it doesn't eat away at you would be a good idea BUT no, I would never forgive your sister, especially as she has shown no remorse.

Not forgivable.

Also, don’t ever allow her to talk about it with you. It will give her the false impression that you have “moved on” from blaming her and are ready to hear her mitigating arguments/reasons why she actually did you a favour by bringing the relationship to an end. Bad enough if you have to co-parent with your scumbag ex.

Yeah not a chance of moving past this. What a disgrace from both of them. Idek how your sister could keep that from you for 10 years, let alone your husband. So sorry OP, you deserve so much better.

I think most people would find that hard to forgive.

I also think it is important for you to move on with your life and therapy sounds like a great idea.

Wishing you well with it all x

This is difficult to understand, very very few people could forgive this or just not mention the fact your sister was shagging your husband,

I am sorry OP, what a shitshow from your ex and your sister. Made worse by the keep calm and carry on way your family operate. It's not healthy to at least give some validation of your hurt by your family at the time, that must have been very difficult to go through. Do you want to talk to your sister about it now? Did you even get an apology for this betrayal?

You don't have to forgive your sister and you are right to feel angry, even after these years. I don't think you've been given a chance to 'grieve' it all. I don't know what would make you feel better, therapy? Yell at your sister and yell some more? Never talk to her again? Whatever it is, go for it, then hopefully you can start to heal - and heal well. It's your turn to be looked after after all these years, don't worry about the cousins relationship now they are older - they can surely keep in touch if that close by themselves, put yourself first. Hugs.

Can’t believe your parents didn’t want to know OP! That’s so shocking

Did she actually ever apologise?!

What a complete mindfuck.

I wouldn’t blow it all up but I wouldn’t speak to her either. I would tell her that you carried on for the sake of the kids but now they are older, you’re done. Now the kids are older they can maintain their own relationships.

Not sure this has been asked, but - what was the marriage like generally anyway? Could it ever be a case of, well, good riddance to bad rubbish, she took the trash out?
And what was your relationship with your sister like? I mean, how did she come across as a person up until then?

It is the thing to be matter of fact when in a state of shock, things shut down.

But as we evolve, also the trauma can then get reinterpreted years later, like a story told from different vantage points, so the thing re-emerges. I've had this recently, it's a sort of Bishop Brennan moment when he is so shocked at being kicked up the arse, it is so incredible to him, he doesn't react until he's flown all the way to Rome and is about to meet the Pope.

Sometimes it's good to make a sort of quip or at least a reaction to a bad turn of events, otherwise I've found they just return to haunt you anyway. But then who the hell would have be able to make a quip to what you went through?

You never properly dealt with the affair at the time. You had to carry on because you had young children. You're older, no longer in the thick of it, with young children and are looking at it all with wiser eyes. Emotionally, you've not processed the affair, the betrayal by both your husband and sister (double whammy), you simply swept it away because it was easier for you.

I would suggest some counselling, as it may help you process your emotions. Something traumatic happened to me over 20 years ago, but in 2024, an incident triggered panic attacks. All unprocessed trauma, and I had counselling to help me process my feelings and emotions. It helped a great deal to talk to someone, who wasn't emotionally involved and neutral.

This was in a book I read recently, might have been called Our House just in case anyone asks. The protagonist said she'd have forgiven him for sleeping with anyone BUT her sister, which I get.
No, I'd not be seeing her again after this.

The fact that you can consider leaving this in the past, and she hasn’t ever apologised, just shows that you’re a much much better person than her.
you don’t need someone like that in your life. It’s her loss. But if you want to forgive her, then that’s up to you. But I think any normal person would understand if you didn’t.

I'm so sorry.

My story is my now ex husband and my younger cousin. I found out 18 years ago when he had another affair.

Cue divorce.

I thought I was happy, my future got ripped away, my kids had their lives upturned. I thought I could handle it all.

Fast forward to my cousin being married with young kids. She has rewritten history to me being the villain. Obviously family members want to see her kids, so I'm asked to stay away, because she has threatened to keep the kids away if I'm there.

I want to kick. I want to scream. The anger has become more acute at the unfairness of it all. I've given up on the idea of her ever apologising..

I don't think I can ever get over the disloyalty of it all.

Some things you just can’t forgive

I would never forgive this and would have no contact with the sibling and the ex partner ever again.

I would also inform every family member of my sister's betrayal.

OP, You don't need awful, selfish people with a completes lack of morals in your life.

@Horsey22

Well, I'll congratulate you for holding it together and continuing with your life. That had to have taken a massive amount of strength and determination.

But it was done at the cost of (for lack of a better word) 'having it out' with your sister so I suppose all those emotions are still roiling around inside you still. And it's so unfair that you've had to carry that.

As I see it you have two choices; 1-even at this 'late date' have it out with your sister (or) 2-seek professional counseling to work through those emotions still bottled up inside.

TBH I don't know which I'd choose. Probably both. But number 2 would probably be the better and wiser choice.

I’m so sorry, this is hideous.
But, I will say that…..she knows. Whatever bullshit story she has told your relatives or even herself, somewhere in her, she knows she is a piece of shit. That is why she is lying about it. SHE has to live with that. You however, do not. Her revolting choices are hers. Who would you rather be, her or you??

I have no direct experience of anything like this but…. My XP’s XW slept with (and then had a relationship with) his brother, which is how their marriage ended. Years later, he has forgiven his brother and they have a normal, close relationship again. XW is out of the picture, for both of them. Always found it very odd. Anyway, good luck whatever you decide to do. I love my sister more than almost anyone in the world and would forgive her most things but luckily we’ve never been tested on this. Don’t know what I would do. Good luck to you. ❤️

What the hell. I hope this is a wind up as I don't understand how on earth you could continue having anything to do with your sister!