Forgiving infidelity with my sister

[Horsey22]

The relationship is over, it was 10+ years ago. I just can’t bring myself to forgive my sister, she’s never apologised and we’ve never spoken about it since. It was my husband and father to my children. Do I leave the past in the past?

Gosh, what a horrible double betrayal. I would cut them both out and would neither forgive nor forget. But it would make me feel a whole lot better that they don’t get rewarded for it. Awful behaviour.

I don't know how anyone could forgive that

Unforgivable.
why the hell is she still in your life?!

Sorry, no they’re not together now and I found out at the time. It’s honestly something we’ve just never spoken about and carried on like nothing happened, the children were young and both marriages separated because of it. The older I’m getting the more I’m resenting her but I don’t know why

How could possibly have never mentioned it?

I think you can 'forgive' (not be actively angry/hurt anymore and have moved on) but still never talk to her again or have a relationship. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to forget the betrayal.

Personally I would never want anything to do with a family member who helped break up my children's family. (I assume you divorced?) What a horrible person to not only hurt their sister but also be the source of childhood trauma to their nieces/nephews (or her own children, if she has any, with the subsequent fallout)

Edited as saw update she was also married with children. What a horrible person OP, her own children must have been devastated. I assume the cousins had very little or contact? What was the fallout with the rest of your family?

Just seen your update OP.
How on earth could you bear to have anything to do with her?

Mind blown by your update.

It's not surprising that you are still resenting her. What is surprising is that you seemed to just accept it at the time. Most people would be distraught if their spouse was unfaithful and the fact that it was with your own sister makes it a million times worse.

Your ex-husband and your sister caused the end of two marriages where there were young children. They both sound utterly disgusting and I wouldn't want to have anything to do with either of them.

How did your own parents react to this? I hope that they supported you.

Because you haven’t had it out with her.

There has been no acknowledgement and no closure. No wonder you can’t move past it (nor should you).

Does she want your forgiveness?

I don't see how you could ever move past that. I can imagine there could be family pressure from others to play happy families again, depending on the family dynamics.

Why, if it happened over 10 years ago, are you thinking about forgiving her now? And when you say the relationship is over, I assume you mean your marriage, but perhaps you mean the affair relationship. As others have said, forgiveness is something you feel. It doesn't have to translate into any action necessarily. If you've forgiven your husband, but not your sister, you might want to reflect on why. But I don't think anyone can say you must or should or need to forgive either of them if you don't want to. However, if it's eating away at you, and causing you to be unhappy or unsettled in some way, then perhaps allowing yourself to forgive them might be useful to you.

I’m a very forgiving person and although I don’t have a sister, I don’t think I could ever move past that. It’s a double betrayal.

Well it's obvious why, you never dealt with the betrayal from both of them at the time!

You don’t know why ??

Jesus Op. I know why you're resenting her. This is awful!! You're a better person that most to be able to just carry on as normal all this time.

I wouldn't talk to either of them again, save for co-parenting as necessary with the cheating bastard. And I would definitely not see her again.

It's a little too EastEnders for me. Gross.

My sister would never ever date my EX let alone my actual husband. I would not forgive her, I would never speak to her again. What is your relationship with your sister like since this happened, I can't believe you have not talked/shouted/ slapped her Op. And I say this as a younger sister, i definitely would slap her!

why not forgive her. live your life as well as you can. let the pain go

You don't know why??
Urmm because she contributed to the breakup of your marriage and betrayed you in the cruelest way. I actually think it's a worse betrayal than your husband cheating to be honest... because he came later in life, he was a stranger that you chose to love..
Whereas your SISTER was your bloody flesh and blood, there since day dot.

I'm so sorry you experienced this, what a couple of arseholes!!!

Also... this does happen with trauma, that we can suppress it and "carry on as normal"...but I dare say it's come to the surface now because it needs to be processed.

What sister?

The resentment is because it’s unresolved. Your sister and your DH both hurt you. - made worse by the fact that they did it together. The marriages separating is the natural consequence of the infidelity itself but the underlying issues have rumbled on -presumably because ignoring them was preferable to confronting them.

There's the clue right there, you both didn't speak about it.. and everything carried on like nothing happened.
But something had happened, she betrayed you.
It's understandable that having young children, you decided to just get on with it, or perhaps you didn't know where to start dealing with it.

But maybe now that you are older, perhaps have a bit more time for yourself for reflection, its really bothering you that it was all swept under the carpet. Also I think we accept things when we are younger that we simply wouldn't put up with now that we are older with a bit more experience.

I think it might really help you to find someone in RL to talk to about the whole thing... if it resulted in divorce and it was never really discussed.. You are probably seeing it now from a different perspective now you are not wrapped up in the middle of it.
I notice you seem to have more anger with your sister than your DH... I suppose because one can officially divorce a partner?

At least its all in the past now.. but if it's still bothering you, it's not unreasonable to take a second look at the situation. Maybe for closure? I'm not an expert though. That's why it would be better to talk to someone, if only to get it out of your system. Best of luck x