I’ve name changed for this.
My sister had an affair with my then fiance, nearly 20 years ago. I’d felt a bit uncomfortable about how close they seemed to be getting, but she was having a bit of a difficult time and he was very capable, always there to fix everyone’s problems. And of course I didn’t want to believe that my sister would ever do something like that to me. I knew he was running around after her, taking her for lunch etc but I let him convince me that he was just playing a big brother role, and then I let my mum convince me that my sister had been an unwilling party to it all, that he’d exaggerated what went on, my sister had denied everything and that my mum had seen them together when he’d popped into hers for something and my sister had been there, and she’d looked so uncomfortable that my mum couldn’t possibly believe that my sister would have done that. So, through agonising pain (who knew a broken heart could be physically painful?), I forgave her for what I’d seen and believed it was all him. After all, she was my sister. I’d let her into my home and done all sorts to help her. He took exception to playing the villain of the piece and made sure I saw evidence that it had been mutual and that, for once, he’d been telling me the truth when he’d admitted to it all. So that was pretty awful. And I’ve not spoken a word to her since.
There have been family weddings where we’ve just kept our distance and not made eye contact. Neither of us have children of our own but our mutual nieces and nephews are largely unaware and I love them more than I have contempt for her, so I would never want to make them feel uncomfortable by causing any kind of scene. We just don’t make eye contact and sit as far from each other as possible. There have been occasions were we’ve been sat on the same table at a wedding. That wasn’t fun, but it was doable. It helps that I’m very happily married to the most wonderful man I’ve ever met, so have his support. She’s not been so lucky. I do have some level of pity for her, simply because she has a life that seems bloody miserable and she firmly believes that she’s not responsible for any of the decisions that led her here. She believes it’s all been done to her. I find her pathetic (which I know she’d be furious at) and I can’t hate that. Don’t misunderstand me, I would never, ever want her back in my life and if she died tomorrow I don’t think I’d feel anything. She’s a stranger to me now. But I got my anger at her out at the time.
Our family is beyond messed up. We operate on a sweeping it under the carpet basis. If we don’t talk about it, I can pretend that I’m not still furious at my mum and my other siblings for telling her they accept her denials but just shrugging their shoulders awkwardly when I tell them that I’ve seen texts, photos etc. I occasionally need to remind myself that I wouldn’t want her life for anything in the world and that I never, ever would have left him, so she actually did me a favour. I’m very close to my SiL but have a very surface level relationship with my siblings. I suspect my anger for them may come pouring out of me at some point. The older I get the less I care about maintaining relationships with them. I know they’re also very unhappy people, albeit for different reasons. And I’m not. I like my life. I have a happy marriage, wonderful friends, a nice life. I wouldn’t have those things if I’d stayed where I was.
I think that if you’ve just pretended it’s all fine for the sake of the children’s relationships with their cousins, is it now the time when they don’t need you to facilitate that relationship for them anymore? So then what do you do with that freedom? Do you tell her that you find her contemptible and that you’ve only been pretending all these years for the sake of the children’s relationships? That you don’t want her in your life anymore? You don’t have to leave it in the past if you don’t want to. You don’t have to stay calm and contained and pretend it didn’t happen if you don’t want to. You don’t have to do what your parents would prefer you did, if you don’t want to. You did what you thought was best for your children at the time and I commend you for that. But you haven’t committed to that position for the rest of your life. And I think you’re feeling increasingly resentful because you didn’t deal with your hurt and anger at the time. And what a coward she is that she’s never even tried to say sorry or explain herself. She sounds weak and pathetic as well. It might be that you tell her that you never want to see her again and that you have white hot rage running through your veins for her, or it might be that you keep it low key and quietly withdraw yourself from her life. Or something else. But it’s your decision. I think some counselling would do you the world of good. Not to persuade you to one course over another, but to teach you that it’s ok to feel what you feel.
This was a huge essay, far more than I intended, for which I apologise. I hope I haven’t disrailed your thread. I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone.