To be upset that my ds is going travelling for 10 weeks

[Northernandgrumpy]

Ds who is 19 has given us alot of stress over the last few years with an addiction to weed and making some pretty stupid decisions that have caused some brushes with the police. He has managed to turn things around and even got an offer to start uni this September but at the last minute he had a change of heart and decided not to go. Now I’ve found out that he I has decided to travel instead . Originally he said 3/4 weeks in Thailand but his girlfriend has informed me tonight that they are going for at least 10 weeks and plan to go to Vietnam and possibly China. He will be going with other friends who have not been a good influence on him and he had stopped much contact with them since sorting himself out. I think he has ADHD and worry that he doesn’t always make good choices particularly when with others. I’m sick with worry but I’m probably being unreasonable. I think. I’m just so worried about the group he is going with.

The similarity is the fact that you are dogmatic in your view, and i'm not changing mine.

The 23 year old nephew is her nephew too. Not her son. But my in laws are always assuming the worst. FIL didn't want me to get my engagement ring resized in case the jeweller stole the diamond. SIL used to insist on DH closing all windows in their shared accomodation - even the really small ones on the second floor! Because of the risk of small children somehow getting up there and getting in (sent by drug dealers).

OP has every right to worry about her son - even without the history, sending a teenager off to travel in a very different part of the world is terrifying and I fully expect to spend time worrying about my DC when they're doing this.

But I'm not convinced that a teenager who had some problems with weed but has been living a clean life, working hard, saving money and doing well enough to be accepted to university isn't just that - a teenager who had a bit of a wobble at a time many teenagers do and is now pulling himself together and wanting to go travelling with his friends. It seems unlikely to me that he's a drug dealer or planning to be a drug mule. Possible, but less likely. He's done the work to show he's turning his lief around.

@Portugal1987 We encountered quite a bit of partying in Vietnam when we visited in 2024 - it's very cheap and very popular. And I remember partying in my younger days in Lan Kwai Fong in Hong Kong, I believe it's a little less wild than it used to be but you'll find the parties in Vietnam and China, if that's what you want to find.

I’d be worried he was going with a group who all still smoke weed

Because OP said she does not understand how he has saved as much as he has.

If you were working full time and no expenses then you could save also surely? Surely thats pretty obvious

And OPdoesnt kmow how much he has saved

I travelled around Southeast Asia extensively during my twenties. Granted I wasn’t a rebel who had brushes with the law., but I was a little rebellious in my binge drinking and partying. If he has a weed problem he will have easy access to it on the backpacker routes. Perhaps just level with him to be careful to not get into trouble with the law out there and to keep in contact so you know he’s safe

Honestly, he's a grown up - well, at least, a legal adult.
I went travelling alone for what ended up being almost 3 years, when I graduated at 21. My Aunt told my Mum to tell me I 'wasn't allowed to go!'
I went. It was the making of me.

If DC are living rent free etc and working, they can save several £thousand quite quick. My teens both ref footy at a weekend at easily clear £200 a weekend
eldest is 16 other is 15

Off topic, but respect for doing the ref job at those ages. Often overlooked m, but literally no competitive sports would exist without people prepared to ref them.

The OP says:

”Yes I’m surprised that everyone is doubting that my son has genuinely saved money. He rarely buys new clothes preferring to use Vinted. His only cost is car insurance and pertol. My parents bought him a car.”

I know you want him to keep on the straight & narrow but this is an exciting time for him. Just show happiness for him getting to travel and you can help him sort his life when he gets back. Travel is a good thing & it's great for him to experience a new culture. He will hopefully realise how lucky he is when he is away. It's only temporary, are you afraid that he may stay away longer?

I think it's really normal for young people to go travelling and explore the world a bit. It will be an enormous life experience for him and will help him grow up, test his relationship and help him work out what he wants to do. It sounds like he had some tricky times as a teen but you feel his is a lovely lad, and you are clearly going to miss him a lot. He is showing concern for your Dad etc. You need to trust in his good character to make good decisions while he is away.

What would you do about it?