To be upset that my ds is going travelling for 10 weeks

[Northernandgrumpy]

Ds who is 19 has given us alot of stress over the last few years with an addiction to weed and making some pretty stupid decisions that have caused some brushes with the police. He has managed to turn things around and even got an offer to start uni this September but at the last minute he had a change of heart and decided not to go. Now I’ve found out that he I has decided to travel instead . Originally he said 3/4 weeks in Thailand but his girlfriend has informed me tonight that they are going for at least 10 weeks and plan to go to Vietnam and possibly China. He will be going with other friends who have not been a good influence on him and he had stopped much contact with them since sorting himself out. I think he has ADHD and worry that he doesn’t always make good choices particularly when with others. I’m sick with worry but I’m probably being unreasonable. I think. I’m just so worried about the group he is going with.

YA definitely NBU, but I don't know what I would do in your situation, that sounds really hard. How is he planning on funding the trip? It sounds very expensive to be away that long.

Major omission to your thread

how the heck is he funding this?

He is an adult at this point so there isn't much you can do.

How is he funding it?

Sorry should have said he has been rent free at home and worming long hours at a pub. I hoped by charging him rent he would save for his future not blow it all in a long trip

How much has someone like this saved for 10 weeks of travelling???

some brushes with police

you are worried about the people he’s going with but I’d bet their parents are worried about your son joining them

Well pubs must be paying their staff waaaay more than they did when I worked in one.

Im not sure… I feel quite hurt as he and girlfriend have been planning this without telling to me. My Dad is dying my husband is in remission for cancer and I’m hanging on by a thread with my mental health

And no way would someone like this be sensibly saving away stacks of money

I can understand why you are frustrated. He has a lot of growing up to do. I wouldn’t want to go as he doesn’t seem stable enough and weed is legal
in Thailand but you cannot stop him. It might be the making of him too. He might see a life he cannot live without hard work.
You’ll have to try out him out of your head while he is away.

What aren’t you sure about?

Sorry not sure how he has saved so much.

Sounds like he has been saving up so good on him. My 19 yo is trying to get a job (he is at uni) and is hoping to travel for at least a month next summer which I think is great. You don't get the chance once you have a job and a mortgage. Of course I will worry but that shouldn't stop him.

He hasn’t.

I’d be worried about drug smuggling to be honest.

It seems to be how the big dealers work - funding a nice holiday in return for smuggling drugs from one country to another.

Not really … they really didn’t care about their kids. I tried to talk to them plenty of times about my concerns about their drugs etc. They didn’t want to know. I worked with the police and community support. My son has really turned a corner no longer smokes weed. They still do

So all of them have had “brushes with the police” (what does that even mean? Doesn’t have a criminal record?)

Well that is a cause for concern

he either hasn’t and this is a pipe dream
or
He is no longer taking the drinks. He’s selling them

He often works 35-40 hours a week and gets paid £12 an hour and has been for a year.

And spends it like water
no way is this the type to be saving

Sorry I’m not sure what you mean. He hasn’t smoked weed for nearly a year. We don’t charge him rent or keep. He has saved thousands I believe

Ok

I'm not surprised you're upset, OP. I don't think there is much you can do. Possibly have a chat with him about getting back in with this set of friends and how it's likely to undo all the hard work he's put in over the last year, but I wouldn't hold out much hope that it would do much good. Is his girlfriend from the same friendship group? Is she aware of his history? Just wondering if giving her a heads up might have her pressuring away from them? But again, seems unlikely.

All you can really do is wait and see what happens. Many kids don't really mature until they're 25. It can be an exhausting time. When he comes back, if you're happy for him to live at home, I'd start charging rent. Even if you just put it in an account so you have a lump sum to help him get a place to live/go to uni down the line.

I dont think going to Thailand is helpful for someone trying not to smoke weed. It was everywhere when I went backpacking years ago. Spent half my time there stoned. Dont know if its chamged.Just dont try and take any out of the country. Penalties are severe.

Otherwise travelling and seeing the world is never a bad thing

Do you think that there is a possibility that he has been dealing drugs? Or that his holiday is being funded by a third party?
All highly suspicious and worrying.