To be upset that my ds is going travelling for 10 weeks

[Northernandgrumpy]

Ds who is 19 has given us alot of stress over the last few years with an addiction to weed and making some pretty stupid decisions that have caused some brushes with the police. He has managed to turn things around and even got an offer to start uni this September but at the last minute he had a change of heart and decided not to go. Now I’ve found out that he I has decided to travel instead . Originally he said 3/4 weeks in Thailand but his girlfriend has informed me tonight that they are going for at least 10 weeks and plan to go to Vietnam and possibly China. He will be going with other friends who have not been a good influence on him and he had stopped much contact with them since sorting himself out. I think he has ADHD and worry that he doesn’t always make good choices particularly when with others. I’m sick with worry but I’m probably being unreasonable. I think. I’m just so worried about the group he is going with.

Someone who recently had a weed addiction; brushes with the law, 19 years old; still socialising with a dodgy group and suspected adhd is not going to be saving thousands of pounds

You aren’t

Or there might be a positive to all this.

It might be the eye opener he needs. To understand that Thailand isn’t the beach paradise (well it is with big money but then so are most places), and the things he clearly takes for granted.

Sounds like they haven’t thought this through, but to be a concerned mum and open up conversations you need to get him to look at check lists

travel insurance - including moped/motorbike hire better to go higher than not be covered
visas
foreign office travel advice - local laws, conduct of behaviour - law around cannabis
vaccinations
general safety
travelling around
drinking water
insect bites

etc etc

he might talk to you more if you can engaged with his plans

Do you /dad give him money being honest,? working in a pub when he has been buying drugs and had a chaotic lifestyle doesn't sound he would be paid enough for a 10 week trip to Asia, is it a legitimate holiday or maybe something else considering he is going with friends you don't think are particularly good for him?

Nope.

Honestly I can totally understand why he is going and why he didn't tell you. There is obviously a lot of stress at home and you would have told him he shouldn't go. If he really has turned himself around then that's a big achievement for him and he should be proud of himself. Then when he does something his family don't support the sins of his past are thrown back at him. He has worked hard and saved and is going to do something for himself, a life changing experience. Good on him. He has the rest of his life for education and work and drudgery. You are not unreasonable to worry, you have plenty to worry about but I think you need to put on a positive front and support him for who he is today. A young man who overcame addiction, who worked and saved hard to fund a travelling experience.

Working and saving to go travelling is a great thing for a 19 year old to do. So I think that is fundamentally sound. Perhaps talk to him about also joining one of those programme where you can help out - digging wells or building schools abroad. Or even getting a working visa and living in another country for a few months! It could be the making of him.

The issue is who he is travelling with. Do you have a good enough relationship to have a full and frank conversation with him about them and your concerns? Do you think he would take it on board? If he has realised that drugs are not for him, maybe he will recognise the danger of being abroad with people who hate making very different life choices?

How did you reach that odd conclusion?

Stoners don't typically spend much. When I smoked it loads I was spending £30-40 a week. When drinking I can easily blow over a hundred on a night out. Watching films and playing video games is cheap.

Our Son went this summer with his girlfriend to same places and did it for 3k each, and they didn't slum it or not do the experiences or travel when there, to save money.
19 year olds do turn their lives around in a positive way. If he's been working 40 hour weeks for a year and no rent then the 3k needed is perfectly feasible without dealing or being a drug mule or whatever everyone assumes he has been up to.
All you can do is create a supportive framework and support his decisions. It's not a question of 'letting him go' you have no choice in that. You can communicate concerns and point out sone of the issues, and hope some of it might be taken on board. But it's his life and you can't stop him doing it, and why would you want to.

My friends at Uni dabbled in a bit of dealing - once...they didn't make much money and they nearly shat themselves. It didn't seem worth it. I'm not sure you make a fortunate at it at a street level.
All now in respectable careers - one in a teacher in a private school - says he knows every trick in the book, really connects with the troubled kids, feels he makes a real difference!!!

It sounds like he is doing really well and has massively matured and turned a corner.

We were all very different at 16 than we were 19 - he was a silly teenager and is now a young man.

He has been working and has aspirations for the future - that's something I would be so proud of.

I think not going to uni for another year is a great idea (I wish more 18yos did this) and travelling is an absolutely amazing experience.

I would absolutely be worried sick about him, even if he didn't have a past with these friends.
However, you cannot stop him and the only thing you can do is hope that they have matured and support him in any way possible to ensure that he is being sensible eg helping him with a checklist of essentials, your number written on a piece of paper etc.

I would remind him how different the laws are and how the prisons in other countries are not as lenient as ours - scare him if you need to. He also needs to be respectful of other peoples homes and cultures.

Ultimately, I think I would feel safer that they are going as a group than just a couple of them as (as long as they don't act like twats) there is safety in numbers.

O, Soneone who has given up the weed for a year, works 40 hour weeks with no expenses apart from car insurance, whos brush with the law was minor and behind them (leasson learnt) might well have saved up the 3k for this trip.
The situation above is the position the OP described, not your cynical made up version.

There's not a lot of money to be made in weed, although as a student an extra hundred here and there can go a long way. The problem is many just do it to fund their own. Cocaine is where the money is and most of the clientele are professionals in their 30s.

Also, Asian countries aren't really the places to be messing around with weed, Thailand aside. If you'd said Portugal or US then it'd be different.

The trodden routes through these Countries are fairly standard for gap years or young people traveling in Asia and the hostels and attractions are used to young adult travelers. 10 weeks is a very common time period to do it in too. Friends are made quickly as they see each other in different places in the same hostels and often move on together to the next place. Drugs aren't readily accessible in these environments because of all the warnings and tough penalties. Alcohol fuels most of the parties. It's when they move away from these areas and want to stay for prolonged periods after their ten week itinerary and start mixing with a different group of people who are not gap year or young adults that the issues really start.
See if he has a travel itinerary or is just going to one place to bum about. That will say alot about the group intentions.

And if his itinerary includes doing the motor bike tour of the Ha Giang Loop, which is popular for young adults, then as a parent just ask for an update at the end that all is well. And don't google it.
Trust me, it's better not to know as a parent.

Why have you jumped to this when he has a full time job and no expeses

He souods as though hes headed to safe places anyway. My ds has been alobe twice, perfecrly save and soon made friends in hostels

I totally understand why you are worried. BUT, this is all perfectly normal and healthy. It sounds like he's been putting in the hours at work and saving a lot. A trip like this may well have a few issues along the way -but 19 year olds are resilient. worst case, he sleeps in a few dodgy places. he'll probably see it as fun and meet lots of people.

As adults, who are used to more regular lives, routines, having back ups in place, it can seem scary to think of our teenagers or young adults just winging it. But many of us did it ourselves and were fine. and frankly, it's EASIER today. they can whip out their phones to search for hostels rather than wandering around clutching out of date city guides hoping for the best. Ditto re directions, transport etc.

And people with ADHD are often very good in these situations - they just work the problem, step by step, in the moment. I think you should be proud of him for saving and for being up for a great trip.

At 19, he could easily get involved with something like this. Especially in Thailand.

It's hard as a teenager convincing people you've turned a corner, isn't it.
His mother is reporting he has completely stopped the weed for over a year, is working 40 hour weeks, going to the gym, looks healthy has secured a place at university made the mature decision it's not for him at this stage in his life, wants to travel and eperience the world but has delayed final plans to see what the health of his father is before committing to travel.
Yet we have poster after poster saying he must be dealing, no way could he save 5k, he's going to smuggle drugs, etc etc.

Give the lad a chance.

@Northernandgrumpy I agree with Lostinbrum. You need to spell it out to him and his girlfriend in as few words as possible, carrying drugs across country borders could result in long-term imprisonment or death penalty. If he's high, your DS or his girlfriend may not notice if someone puts drugs in their bags before crossing a border. They could be prosecuted under Chinese criminal law without leniency. If still determined to go, then all you can do is advise them as best you can and pray they return a little wiser. I also recommend telling him that if he wants to return earlier than planned, it's fine. Agree on the frequency of contact whilst overseas. Do you know people who are Thai, Vietnamese or Chinese? I'd encourage your son to speak to them before going. Local knowledge is essential.

I did move to Paris at 19, and I got on with life. But I did do stupid things too… It’s part of growing up, I suppose. Still, hard not to worry!

Sit them down and make them watch Midnight Express.

More likely to get involved in drugs in Milton Keynes, to be honest. When was the last time a young adult from Europe was stopped for drug smuggling after having a 10 week holiday in Asia they aranged themselves.
Just because a young adult smoked some weed in UK doesn't mean they are vulnerable to being an international drug smuggler. There's no mass targeting of young people visiting Asia to bring drugs out and back to UK. Young adults touring Asia dont 'readily' get involved in the International drug trade. Over a 21 million people visit these routes every year with no harm coming to them. People on 10 week tours aren't even financially vulnerable. They all have to have return flights booked and if they have run out of cash, 200 from UK will keep them fine until their flight.
It's all hyperbole and fear mongering on this thread.