To be upset that my ds is going travelling for 10 weeks

[Northernandgrumpy]

Ds who is 19 has given us alot of stress over the last few years with an addiction to weed and making some pretty stupid decisions that have caused some brushes with the police. He has managed to turn things around and even got an offer to start uni this September but at the last minute he had a change of heart and decided not to go. Now I’ve found out that he I has decided to travel instead . Originally he said 3/4 weeks in Thailand but his girlfriend has informed me tonight that they are going for at least 10 weeks and plan to go to Vietnam and possibly China. He will be going with other friends who have not been a good influence on him and he had stopped much contact with them since sorting himself out. I think he has ADHD and worry that he doesn’t always make good choices particularly when with others. I’m sick with worry but I’m probably being unreasonable. I think. I’m just so worried about the group he is going with.

It’s so cheap in Thailand and Vietnam so he probably has more than enough saved. The most expensive part will be the flights.

The company he’s going with is worrying though. Hopefully they don’t plan to smoke weed abroad. They are very strict on illegal drugs in these countries and will find themselves easily put in prison for a long time if caught with cannabis.

Ahhh he’ll have a great time. Does his girlfriend know the old friends or is it likely they will peel off and do their own thing? I travelled for 6 months in my early 20’s and it taught me a lot about self reliance. It also made me very aware of the very privileged position/life I have and not to waste the chances we have.

He is an adult and can make his own choices. If he has adhd he it makes sense he would rather travel than study, it doesn't mean anything nefarious is going on.

@Northernandgrumpy
Why allow him to live with you completely rent-free if he is working? You've facilitated his ability to save (and now spend it on something you think is not a good choice).
Surely it would have been better to charge him an affordable rent and then put it away for when he can buy/rent his own place if you can afford to do so?

When he returns, definitely charge rent. Or charge now if he's still working.

I suspect from your post you let him live rent free because he was saving for Uni?

He’s young. No better opportunity to travel for ages than when young. 10 weeks sounds like forever but it’s really not.
Mine spends 6 months to a year touring other continents. On his own too. A bit older but still early 20s and autistic.
Encourage him to be wise but let him make his decisions and live his life. Not going to uni isn’t a disaster.

When he’s out there he’ll have to grow up and organise himself if he wants to do it properly. China in particular, won’t let him go off the rails. They are super strict.
Yes he might party too hard but he’ll meet all types of young people on their gap years. Many will be students who might positively influence him to sort his life out when he gets back.
It could actually be the making of him.

As long as he’s got the money saved up, I don’t see why 10 weeks is such an issue. Seeing more of the world is a good use of time and money in my view. 10 weeks is shorter than a term of uni.

He is 19, had years of weed addiction, brushes with the law, jacked in uni and now working in a bar. He has apparently been squirrelling away thousands of pounds to afford 10 weeks of travelling and never even hinted this to you until today.

Yes I’d be worried

on the other hand, you say the other group all still have weed problems and your son has adhd (undiagnosed ) and nothing is actually booked yet. So if this group get their arses in gear and actually plan and book a 10 week travelling adventure - I’ll eat my hat

Why do people who don’t even bother to read the read then reply with such useless advice. Your situation is completely different.

op I would be worried too. Sounds like he is going to end up in trouble. Have a serious chat with him, without the gf around.
make it clear to him, that if he gets into trouble abroad then he’s on his own. No one is coming to save him. You have enough on your plate.

make it clear to him, that if he gets into trouble abroad then he’s on his own. No one is coming to save him.

and why do posters post guff like this. It would take a particularly shite parent to say to their teen in Thailand who’s in trouble “you are on your own!”

I think it’s not a great idea to go to uni in a half hearted way - it’s an expensive mistake. Well done him for saving the money over the last year, try not to be hurt, he’s making his own life. I would gently remind him about the penalties of drug trafficking that despite being there for him and loving him - that’s something you can’t get him out of. All you can do is hope that the travel is an enriching experience for him. Let him go with your blessing and a request to keep in touch if he can.

@Northernandgrumpy your son has done very well to turn things around for himself and focus on work. I can see why you’re worried that he will relapse… but because he’s travelling but because of who he is travelling with.

id sit him down and explain that you’re excited for him to see the world.. he’s worked hard, saved hard and this will be a great adventure. But explain that past history has you very concerned about who he is doing this with.

he hasnt booked his flights yet. Get he just go with his girlfriend?

Just make sure he's very aware of the countries that have a very draconian approach to their drugs laws, if he is going with friends who have a tendency to think that sort of thing is a good idea.

It would be much better if he just went with his girlfriend. Is there chance of persuading him to do that? Do his friends actually have any money?

Yes. Living at home rent-free makes it possible to save a lot even on minimum wage. It’s not hard to do the maths and does not automatically mean he’s a drug dealer! Proper backpacking (especially in some parts of the world) can be done very cheaply too. 20 years ago, I lived on £50 a week in South-East Asia and South America. I’m sure it’d be more expensive now but could still be done pretty cheaply.

You are worried because hes ibto drugs or lured into a more drug scene.travelling to this place?
He is young him.

I doubt travelling is a waste of time money.
It is life experince and well perhaps worey about your own menral health a stress.
Maybe he will make better choices once he has a liced experince elsewhere....i do hope to hell he stays on minor drugs not higjly addictive.
Does he plan on a open ticket home incase.
Leave him to it...if we all liled what our children did wouldnt life be way to easy.

Going travelling is an entirely normal thing to do at his age. It sounds like he’s worked hard, saved, turned his life around… this is a good thing. I understand you’re worried about the people he’s going with and I would have a really honest chat with him about that and the drugs - especially drugs laws abroad. But he’s an adult.

Not to disagree too much but if he's not paying anything to live at home and doesn't go out because he's working he's saving loads.

When I was 19 and 20 I did have a job in a bank. But i also worked every night in a pub so despite paying some rent I managed to save the equivalent of £10k today in about 18 months

I can see why you are worried op. However he’s 19, using his own money to go, and you can’t stop him. You’ll need to try and trust him - going abroad at that age could absolutely be the making of him. Support him before he goes, but let him do all the organising, and keep the communication channels open for chats and updates once he’s away.

Am I tge only one who thinks he’s been dealing?

It sounds great apart from the friends. I’d just remind him that he needs to go and have a good time and stay drug free. And that he’s aware those countries can have extremely harsh penalties that could ruin his whole life.

Maybe he should just go with his girlfriend

I went off travelling at 19 (AuDHD) with very questionable company. Of course my parents were very worried - it was honestly the least important thing on my mind (plus no mobile phones or online then).

In the event it forced me to grow up, learn patience
and solve my own problems. If he is going for 10 weeks that’s enough time to really learn from the experience (I went for 3 months).
he hasn’t told you because of course he knows you won’t like it.
all you can really do now is try and be positive about it and keep open communication so that at least you’ll can follow their (edited) adventures online.
when you’re travelling for that length of time you talk to other travellers and hear all the stories about what to look for, what to avoid etc.
if it’s a large group they likely won’t even all stay together anyway especially as people who seem like great mates on a night out in your home country can suddenly be people you’d rather not hang out with 24/7.

I have been in a similar situation (very recently, my dm died three weeks ago) and realised that our children just don't fully understand what is going on in our lives.

I was sad and confused by my dc actions when my dm was in hospital and then died but I looked back to when my dm's own parents died and I realised how little I supported my dm.
The young adult version of me just didn't realise the impact and significance it must have had on her until I've experienced it myself.
It wasn't because I didn't care, and I had my own grief, but looking back I now know it was nothing to what my dm would have been experiencing.

It's perfectly normal for him to make plans without telling you, he's 19.

And your ds is also dealing with his own sense of impending loss and anxiety about his dad, perhaps this is his way of processing his own life changes and stage.

Leave him go.

He'll be back in contact when he runs out of money.