To be upset that my ds is going travelling for 10 weeks

[Northernandgrumpy]

Ds who is 19 has given us alot of stress over the last few years with an addiction to weed and making some pretty stupid decisions that have caused some brushes with the police. He has managed to turn things around and even got an offer to start uni this September but at the last minute he had a change of heart and decided not to go. Now I’ve found out that he I has decided to travel instead . Originally he said 3/4 weeks in Thailand but his girlfriend has informed me tonight that they are going for at least 10 weeks and plan to go to Vietnam and possibly China. He will be going with other friends who have not been a good influence on him and he had stopped much contact with them since sorting himself out. I think he has ADHD and worry that he doesn’t always make good choices particularly when with others. I’m sick with worry but I’m probably being unreasonable. I think. I’m just so worried about the group he is going with.

And yet the Op is here. Very worried about her son doing this and with a group of still week smokers apparently with parents who don’t give a fig about them

Had your friends also had an “addiction” to week lasting years and presumably quite a network of contacts?

Always charge rent - even a nominal amount. You can always keep it in an account and give it back to them when they show they are being responsible when moving out.

And she says how she has alot of life events that are making her anxious at the moment.
And her concerns don't justify all the posts about him turning into an international drugs dealer or drugs runner or even saying there is no way he could save a few grand after working a year.

When you open a thread talking about your teen son having had years of a weed addiction; brushes with the law; and just jacked in plans to go to uni… I don’t think unreasonably to think he’s maybe saved thousands of pounds not through conventional means

He smoked weed for about 8 years - did a bit of dealing 2-3 years in. No one talked about being addicted to weed back then, loads of us smoked it but we didn't "need" it - it was just another activity, it was very casual - addiction to weed seems to be a modern concern with the more potent new varieties.

I think the Op will know whether or not her son was an addict or not.

and seeing as she describes him as having an addiction, I am inclined to take her at her word

Using a drug is not the same as being addicted (although that is a popular opinion) and maybe she doesn't know, maybe she has jumped to conclusions as many have on this thread.

As I say, the OP, the mother, say he had an addiction - I am going to believe he had an addiction 🤷‍♀️

Yet you believe he's a dealer - has his mother told you that? I think you are determined to believe the worst of him.

I suspect he had saved thousands of pounds through dealing. Yes.

You have no clue.

I’ve known a lot of weed smokers in adulthood, none of them have been bad people.

He sounds like he’s doing really well since he became an adult. Working, saving, staying healthy. Maybe it’s time to trust him. Travelling is a good thing if you can afford it.

This thread would make a fantastic example of conversations/attitude differences between my family and DH's.

His family would definitely be in the "he's going to be dealing drugs, acting as a drug mule, will be dead by christmas" camp.

Mine would be "oh man, he'll be sleeping on beaches and having inappropriate sex. We better get him a giant pack of condoms".

Have an honest conversation with him about your concerns but I would also give him your blessing. He’s an adult with a past history of drug use and contact with the police, remind him of how far he’s come and how proud you are of him for that.

TBH, I think traveling isn't a bad thing. It seems like a lot is going on at home as you mentioned.

Obviously, I'd worry too, but he seems to be good holding a job at the pub, saving up. That's a good sign. You say he hasn't smoked weed in a while. Maybe a break would do you all well.

And a year of working with no expenses and going to the gym and looking healthy....
'Years of weed addiction'
'Saved thousands of pounds'
He's 19, he will need around 3k for the trip.

No but the op has made it easy for him to save though.

Anc BTW I was arrested twice during this period so...

Actually, yes. But.... one family drug addict doesn't mean my 23 year old nephew will be a drug mule if he goes travelling in Thailand. which is something SIL would absolutely, 100%, worry about.

We all worry about our young adult children traveling to far away places. That just goes with being a parent.
But some of the projection on here is difficult to comprehend.
What do those that think he is going to be involved in international drug dealing advise OP to do, exactly.

This is lovely.

I think you'd do well not to put too much concern on him, help him possibly plan his trip, ensure he can reach you and you can reach him, and be supportive.

He may well need that little bit of support now - and traveling really is a good school. You need to do a lot of planning, need patience. And at the same time you can have fun and get out of your own head along the way, meet new people (definitely not just partying Brits), and learn a lot about yourself.

Vietnam and China specifically are definitely not just party places either.

My DH and I come from very different families. His family is always concerned about the future, any sort of wrong turns in life, and he feels insecure and always trying to please them. It clouds his decision making.

My family has always been incredibly supportive, I felt I had their support even if things went wrong, and in turn I opened up to my parents and never felt I had to hide anything from them.

This is still a great example of differences between my family and my in laws.