To be upset that my ds is going travelling for 10 weeks

[Northernandgrumpy]

Ds who is 19 has given us alot of stress over the last few years with an addiction to weed and making some pretty stupid decisions that have caused some brushes with the police. He has managed to turn things around and even got an offer to start uni this September but at the last minute he had a change of heart and decided not to go. Now I’ve found out that he I has decided to travel instead . Originally he said 3/4 weeks in Thailand but his girlfriend has informed me tonight that they are going for at least 10 weeks and plan to go to Vietnam and possibly China. He will be going with other friends who have not been a good influence on him and he had stopped much contact with them since sorting himself out. I think he has ADHD and worry that he doesn’t always make good choices particularly when with others. I’m sick with worry but I’m probably being unreasonable. I think. I’m just so worried about the group he is going with.

Erm, not impossible. DS1 just graduated & is saving to go to S. America for 6 months in Jan. He's working in a pub & living back at home putting at least £1000 away a month.

Given what you've said about your son's past weed addiction and the company he keeps, I think you should have a really serious word with him about how seriously many countries take drugs offences. Look up the Foreign Office travel advice for the countries he is visiting. It will probably say something about this. Teenagers in the UK have grown up in an environment where in practice you are unlikely to get prosecuted for smoking weed, and even if you are prosecuted, the sentence for possession of a small quantity of weed is unlikely to be severe. In many other countries it is very different. Being found in possession of a small quantity of weed could result in a long prison sentence. A more serious drugs offence could result in a lifetime in prison (or in some countries possibly even a death sentence!) Ask your son to promise not to carry any luggage or packages for anyone else. Make sure he understands that he carries a package for someone else, the package contains drugs and he gets caught, he will be the one going to prison.

And he’s had a history of weed addiction and brushes with the police?

There is very little you can do, he and his girlfriend have made this plan, you have little influence over him. He's an adult. The more you complain the more he will push back, particularly if he has ADHD, and then you will be left in the dark more.
My advice would be to concentrate on your own wellbeing, put your needs first and just try to ride it out. He will either be fine, or not, but what can you do...nothing. It's an awful situation but one you have no control over.

My DS did the same, decided not to go to uni and worked very very hard for 12 months to save to go travelling.

Am i disappointed? Hell yeah! But is it my life? ZNO!

He travelled and had a ball, and now has a very boring manual job which he hates. But he is saving to go travelling again. He’s only 21 and got the rest of his life to “adult”. Why not have fun while he’s young and has no responsibilities?

So I tell him I’m proud of him, and I am. He’s working hard to do something he wants while he can. Takes a LOT of gumption to go travelling and opens their eyes to another less privileged life. He’s learned to budget better, to be more adaptable and so many more life experiences.

However he doesn’t have a history of drug abuse or being I trouble so can see why are concerned, but what can you do? Ban him from going?

And as regards being hurt OP, he’s 19 and working hard to do what he wants. Do you really want him to stay at home because you’ve got mental health problems and other challenges? I think that’s unfair on him. Let him live his life, as long as he keeps within the law :).

I would be upset as well.

your situation is a good example of why I think it is acceptable for parents to charge their working young adult offspring real rent and save the money for them.

You do have the option of telling him if he takes the trip, he needs to find different housing upon his return. It’s a scorched earth approach and I don’t know if you are at that point, but it is a tool in your arsenal.

Do a google search and compile a list of the jail sentences for drugs in all the countries he's planning to visit and give it to him. Also tell him to get full travel insurance and read the small print - for example, he won't get any cover if he does dangerous sports etc. or even rides a motorbike (on some policies). Tell him to never let his packed bags out of his sight if he's going to the airport.
Other than that, I'm not sure what else you can do.

Weed is no longer legal in Thailand for recreational use.

It is, however, available everywhere. Which is worse, because it's easy to get, and easy to get caught with.

10 weeks is nothing compared to a year’s backpacking. The memories and experience will stay with him forever and he’ll learn so much. Let him be 19 and carefree. He’s not work shy and has plenty of time to take on extra responsibilities when the times right.

Hopefully it’s not drug smuggling he’s going for or he gets caught up in that world. That part of the world gives out hefty sentences for drugs, hopefully your son is aware of this ?

I think with the amount going on in your life that you're just sort of primed for panic. At the age of 19 I was running from gunfire in a war zone that I'd just sort of wandered into. It's fine.

In terms of your own anxiety, maybe think about reaching out for help at this very difficult time in your life.

I agree with all the PPs that you need a serious conversation with him and his girlfriend about the dangers of drug use /smuggling in some of these countries. Use facts from government sites. I would also be worried that his "friends" were going to use him to take the risks. I understand why you are so worried.

It'll probably be the making of him, it sounds like there's a lot of stress at home and it will do him good to get away.

I'm amazed that some people think he couldn't have saved for the trip himself and are now suggesting he's a drug dealer/smuggler. Talk about putting two and two get her and coming up with 500!

Try not to worry op, I know it's difficult, I've been there myself, but I'm so so glad that my DS went.

Thanks @Feelingshotshotshot. I feel I’ve painted my son in a really bad light. I’ve been deliberately vague about brush with police but he’s never been arrested or has any record. He genuinely lovely now and I’m proud how well he has turned himself around. Yes I’m surprised that everyone is doubting that my son has genuinely saved money. He rarely buys new clothes preferring to use Vinted. His only cost is car insurance and pertol. My parents bought him a car.

When is he planning on going?

Thanks @ProudCat. I’ve been prescribed anti depressants. I think you are right in a way of been running adrenaline for the last few years this is pushing me over the edge

January but he has said tonight that he hasn’t booked a flight yet because he wants to find out the results of my Dads scans first which we should know later this month

Do you think he’ll be organised enough to sort this?

have you ask why he kept this from you?

When was he meant to start uni?

He will leave everything until the last minute so I will feel terrible guilt if I don’t remind him to check vaccinations etc soon.
I guess he knows that I will be anxious about him so has put off telling me. He was supposed to go to uni this September

So you have known that he’s bailed on uni for some time now. What did he say he plans were before you knew this?

He said he wanted to look at getting another job with more prospects and experience. I was disappointed that he didn’t go to uni but I kept telling myself it was more important that he had turned his life around. He passed his driving licence was working hard and is generally lovely to be around now. He looks so well now and goes to the gym daily and eats healthily.

Maybe this will be the making of him.
He's worked hard and saved so he clearly can delay gratification.
He will need to budget carefully during the trip to make sure he can afford the full duration.
These are good life skills.
He'll meet new people. He'll understand that there is a big world out there and he can explore it if he works to afford it.
Perhaps if will inspire him to get a working holiday visa in New Zealand or Australia.

Talk with him about getting travel insurance - an annual policy is not expensive and is flexible.

The job market and future in general is so unpredictable right now. I really feel for his generation. I loved uni but it was almost free when I went, whereas now it’s taking on a massive debt for something with no guaranteed prospects.

Sounds like your son is really motivated and wants to work out what to do with his life. And also that he has a lot to work through if his dad is sick too.

Try not to worry too much about him. The trip might be the making of him, at the very least a great adventure and holiday. If it’s a disaster, well, he can always come home early. And when in adult life do you get the chance to go on a trip like that? Not often.

I hope your husband gets well soon and that you get a chance to rest and care for yourself too.

I wouldn’t say it’s blowing it on a long trip. He’s seeing the world he’s an adult leave him to it

@Devilla and @ShitFacedShakespeare you can travel to Asia for very little and pick up flight bargains if you don’t mind an indirect flight. Food and hotels, even good ones, are cheap. Vietnam is incredibly good value.