Friendship situation

[Tootsurly]

I'll try to keep this brief.

Good friend, formerly very close - i.e. would spend every weekend together and go on holiday together, each other's go-to person in case of crisis - until he met his partner and moved abroad about 20 years ago. Have known him all my life.

Four times this year he ignored my messages. This has been been interspersed with periods of perfectly normal chatty contact, so I didn't bring it up. There hasn't been any falling out. He was late wishing me a happy birthday (first time ever) a few months ago and since then back to being quiet.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote asking if he was ok, and was ignored again, so this time, after ten days or so (including two weekends in case he was too busy to respond during the week) I did bring it up and said I felt like I was flogging a dead horse, although I really didn't know why.

All of a sudden he's really pissed off, accusing me of being paranoid to automatically think his silence it's to do with me, that he's seriously ill and this is drama he can do without.

AIBU to feel a bit cheesed off, or have I committed some obvious faux pas I'm not aware of? Five times now he's ignored me since January, so I'm hardly being "paranoid". Plus I wrote specifically to find out if all was well, but I'm the arsehole for "creating drama" when he's seriously ill - which I didn't know because he didn't tell me.

I wrote back in very conciliatory tones, sorry to jump to the wrong conclusion, hope he's getting help, is there anything at all I can do.

Just to reiterate, we are (were?) very good friends and the last time I saw him (summer 2025) we met for brunch and were still chatting at about 5pm so yes, we like(d) each other.

Also he's gay, so there are no romantic complications.

Yes, that's possible.

You've already been told on another thread the other day that it's quite rude to spam all over the place by just posting "F". If you want to follow a thread either make a contribution or use one of the other ways of watching it.

We used to speak on the phone all the time, but that doesn't seem to happen any more and I haven't pushed it.

He's very bad with stress - always has been. He's lived abroad for 20 years, but hasn't managed to learn the language as he's always been too stressed/busy with work. For two decades. He's also been intending to diet for most of that time, and I suspect his illness is connected with his weight.

Have you ever visited him?

Op sounds like you know him well if you know he doesn’t do stress v well. How has he been with you before when stressed out?

Of course I've visited him.

There really is no of course about it

you last saw him over a year ago for brunch

and now he’s ignoring you

do you know his partner well? Does he have children?

He gets very panicky. As I said, he doesn't handle it well. That's not a criticism of him - I don't handle it well either - but I know what he will be like.

I haven't started a thread about someone whose friendship I'm sad to be losing but who I haven't bothered to visit for two decades. That would be ridiculous. I've visited him multiple times and have met up with him multiple times when he's been back in the UK, both where I live now and where we grew up.

No, I don't know his partner well. No, he doesn't have children.

Not quite sure what you're trying to prove with the endless questions under various usernames.

Clearly he never liked me and was glad to get shot of me when he moved abroad. Is that what you're implying?

you don’t know his partner well? He’s been with her over twenty years and you have visited him multiple times!! Do you not stay with them?

you don’t have a partner so pin a lot on him I guess and he’s over it

I’m not saying it was a one-sided friendship, but that was TWENTY YEARS AGO when you lived in each other’s orbits and he was single.

He hasn’t even lived in the same country as you for two decades. Just because you were close 20 years ago, you can’t expect that to continue forever. Things change and people’s lives move on. Just because you two were each other’s go-to support people when you were younger, that doesn’t mean he’s obliged to be constantly responsive to you for the rest of his life.

You really need to accept that life moves on and people mature and that friendships really don’t have to stay as intense as that forever. You sound like you’re clinging on to the intensity and closeness, while he’s just trying to get on with his life in a different country and might not have as much in common with you now as you think. Nobody is obliged to respond to every message you send them and you’re not entitled to an emotional inquest over it.

So what if he can text? Just because he’s got functional thumbs that doesn’t mean he feels like chatting.

You’re being really entitled about this friendship.

All this is totally true…however, a nice friend in that case would just reassure a friend that all was well, they still treasure their friendship and they are just busy/distracted?

But I guess tone over text is very easy to misinterpret (both ways) and probably lesson learnt is to just give someone a call if you’re worried about them not liking you anymore.

I can be a bit like this with texts and WhatsApp messages, especially with my best friend or siblings. I want to send longer, more meaningful messages, so I put them to one side and often forget or leave it for an awkwardly long amount of time. Meanwhile I'm on my phone constantly sending quick messages about immediate, trivial or logistical issues. I am a bit hopeless at regular communication but if ny best friend needed me I would drop everything. Depending on what you were messaging him about this year, maybe your friend takes a similar approach now that you see each other in person less frequently?

I didn't say I was entitled or that he's obliged. I had hoped he would want to be in touch.

I'm not going to harangue him, but I can be sad about the situation.