Friendship situation

[Tootsurly]

I'll try to keep this brief.

Good friend, formerly very close - i.e. would spend every weekend together and go on holiday together, each other's go-to person in case of crisis - until he met his partner and moved abroad about 20 years ago. Have known him all my life.

Four times this year he ignored my messages. This has been been interspersed with periods of perfectly normal chatty contact, so I didn't bring it up. There hasn't been any falling out. He was late wishing me a happy birthday (first time ever) a few months ago and since then back to being quiet.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote asking if he was ok, and was ignored again, so this time, after ten days or so (including two weekends in case he was too busy to respond during the week) I did bring it up and said I felt like I was flogging a dead horse, although I really didn't know why.

All of a sudden he's really pissed off, accusing me of being paranoid to automatically think his silence it's to do with me, that he's seriously ill and this is drama he can do without.

AIBU to feel a bit cheesed off, or have I committed some obvious faux pas I'm not aware of? Five times now he's ignored me since January, so I'm hardly being "paranoid". Plus I wrote specifically to find out if all was well, but I'm the arsehole for "creating drama" when he's seriously ill - which I didn't know because he didn't tell me.

I wrote back in very conciliatory tones, sorry to jump to the wrong conclusion, hope he's getting help, is there anything at all I can do.

Just to reiterate, we are (were?) very good friends and the last time I saw him (summer 2025) we met for brunch and were still chatting at about 5pm so yes, we like(d) each other.

Also he's gay, so there are no romantic complications.

P.S. If anyone thinks I'm unreasonable it would be helpful to know why.

It sounds like he’s very stressed about the illness and him snapping was about that, not you. I think you just need to be there for him as much as possible and try not to get upset if he doesn’t reply.

(I haven’t voted because I don’t know what you are asking are you unreasonable about because you put 2 things in your question)!

He just needs space for a bit. It doesn't sound personal at you

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you can feel cheesed off, but now that you know he's seriously ill is that REALLY the sentiment you want to hold on to?

what are you looking for here?

You say he ignored you/ went silent "five times" since January but had periods of "normal chatty" contact in between. Given it has been 10 months between January and now, he can't have been "ignoring" you for very long each time?

I do think it is annoying when people get cross with you for not knowing something you couldn't possibly know without them telling you (ie that he has been seriously ill) but I do give friends some slack when they pop up and pop away again, almost all of my friends have done that at some time due to illness or difficult circumstances or sometimes for reasons I have never known, but don't need to.

Ah yes, you're right - I've not made it very clear!

That fact that you have kept count of how often he didn’t reply is a bit intense tbh.

I would think that serious illness is a perfectly reasonable excuse for being a bit flakey.

YANBU. Don’t message him again. Let him feel the silence and make contact If he wants to.

No, it's not, so I suppose what I'm looking for is to deal with those feelings of being cross on my own as I can't discuss them with him.

He’s being unreasonable and I have no time for flakey people when you put in a lot of effort to see how they’re doing and feel like you’re pestering them when you shouldn’t feel like that at all.

it doesn’t take much to respond and say you’re going through something at the moment and explain yourself.

Helps if you read the OP before posting.

Just take a step back. He knows your number, a phone works both ways. Don’t run around after him.

There have been a few periods of several months when he has left me on unread.

actually sometimes it does

Why are you that upset though?

This isn’t a local friend who you see regularly that’s suddenly stood you up at your weekly get together, this is a long distance friend who is just texting a bit less.

ok so maybe do some journalling to explore those feelings a bit more - what are you actually feeling?

how would you like your relationship to be in the future?

Before raising it I wanted to check that my impression of contact was accurate, so I scrolled back to the beginning of the year to see whether he had ignored my messages as many times as I thought. Took less than a minute.

The serious illness was not mentioned when we were in touch at the end of August, so does not explain the preceding flakiness.

He cant have ignored you 5 times this year for several months.

Honestly you sound very intense and dramatic. Sometimes shit happens and gets in the way of messaging people, particularly as he is seriously ill.

He managed to text and have a go at me after my second message. Why couldn't he have texted and answered my first message instead and told me about his illness then? Plus he's on WA multiple times a day.

As I say, I object to being called paranoid when his actions point to exactly what I was worried about.

He's got other things going on in his life that are more pressing than your relationship ATM. Back off, sounds like he's struggling. He'll let you know as and when.

He may just want a message a few times a year friendship. It sounds as if you were close over 20 years ago.

friendship changes when you no longer live near each other. Proximity is important for closeness and for having new experiences together. I reckon he’s just moved on a bit and although likes you maybe the friendship isn’t a key as it once was. Give a little space and let him be in touch with you. I do get it - it’s sad when friends aren’t as close any more but we can’t make them be

Agree with PP, he was quick enough to have a go at you. Can't stand flakes that get angry when you tell them they're flakes. I would slow fade the fucker and not believe a word he says tbh.