Friendship situation

[Tootsurly]

I'll try to keep this brief.

Good friend, formerly very close - i.e. would spend every weekend together and go on holiday together, each other's go-to person in case of crisis - until he met his partner and moved abroad about 20 years ago. Have known him all my life.

Four times this year he ignored my messages. This has been been interspersed with periods of perfectly normal chatty contact, so I didn't bring it up. There hasn't been any falling out. He was late wishing me a happy birthday (first time ever) a few months ago and since then back to being quiet.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote asking if he was ok, and was ignored again, so this time, after ten days or so (including two weekends in case he was too busy to respond during the week) I did bring it up and said I felt like I was flogging a dead horse, although I really didn't know why.

All of a sudden he's really pissed off, accusing me of being paranoid to automatically think his silence it's to do with me, that he's seriously ill and this is drama he can do without.

AIBU to feel a bit cheesed off, or have I committed some obvious faux pas I'm not aware of? Five times now he's ignored me since January, so I'm hardly being "paranoid". Plus I wrote specifically to find out if all was well, but I'm the arsehole for "creating drama" when he's seriously ill - which I didn't know because he didn't tell me.

I wrote back in very conciliatory tones, sorry to jump to the wrong conclusion, hope he's getting help, is there anything at all I can do.

Just to reiterate, we are (were?) very good friends and the last time I saw him (summer 2025) we met for brunch and were still chatting at about 5pm so yes, we like(d) each other.

Also he's gay, so there are no romantic complications.

I thought I'd explained this in the OP.

He's a primary school friend, we used to live very nearby as new grads, we'd hang out all the time, we would speak very often, we'd know everything about each other's lives, we went away together, etc. etc. Obviously that has changed since he's lived abroad, but we would chat for hours when we did meet up and I would still class him - or would have classed him - as a close friend.

Oh, and also - perhaps most importantly - because I felt the lack of contact might indicate that he didn't want to continue the friendship.

I don’t know, depends what his illness is, but it ideally doesn’t take much empathy to figure out a reasonable scenario.

Apart from which the fact that he didn’t mention he was ill in August absolutely doesn’t mean he wasn’t ill.

it's hard to explain when someone hasnt been through it, but when you are in the thick of a serious illness, or similarly critical situation, sometimes it is hard to respond.

there's a reason that one of the things friends offer to do when someone dies is to ring round and tell other people - to save those most closely affected the pain of having to say the words out loud and deal with other people's reactions, however well-meant.

and you don't need to be offended that he didn't tell you sooner - you were too far to be of any practical help, and, again in situations like these sometimes it's easier not to have to update loads of people/keep the circle very small and immediate until youre ready to share. it's not a reflection on how much he bakues your friendship.

and yes illness stress and fear makes us behave selfishly and unreasonably sometimes. I'm not saying that's ok and you shouldnt be stung by being called paranoid. but i can absolutely understand why he would tell you that he doesnt have the bandwidth to manage your emotional reaction.

He ignored me four times for sustained periods. The most recent time I only let him ignore me for just over a week before I followed it up.

Perhaps he felt it was intense, but this is the first time I've raised it. All the other times I just let it go. And he wasn't seriously ill before.

Some of my more light touch friends (which the guy clearly is for you) can go days or weeks between texts. I don’t because I’d completely forget to ever text back. It would never occur to me that lack of immediate response had anything to do with me.

I think this made you feel quite insecure maybe you need to check out why within yourself, your insecurity is not for him to fix.

Sorry OP all this sounds a bit weird, you can still get on really well but it’s important to realise how you fit in with his life now. I have a school friend I see once a year, we love each other but neither of us want to do more than about for bouts of messaging a year.
I have another primary schoolfriend who when I see her we talk for hours and have a good laugh but we literally just see each other on our big zero birthdays. I wouldn’t have time if they both started messaging me a lot more.
I am sure he does read like you but you need to match his energy with messaging until you find a comfortable routine.

Ok, long term close friend, tells you that he is seriously ill and doesn't have bandwidth (potentially either physically or emotionally ) to keep up his side of the relationship just now.

A good close friend accepts that, and provides whatever is asked for, even if that is space and time.

This isn’t about you. He’s doing what he needs to get through and that should wipe out any annoyance you have about being sidelined.

Thanks - that all makes sense.

He moved overseas 20 years ago and you sound like you're quite clingy about the friendship. It's not the end of the world if someone doesn't reply to a message now and again. He lives in another country and he has his own life going on. People can't always be at your beck and call for attention all the time; they have other things to worry about sometimes.

Thanks - that is helpful to read and digest.

I didn't mean I expected that level of closeness to continue, or even anything close to it - I agree that would be weird. I was just trying to explain why I would be sad to lose his friendship completely.

He clearly wants space and i definitely would give it to him.
He is unwell and your friendship is not a priority at all.
Respect that and give him all the space he seeks.
I wouldn't reach out again.
Let him reach out to you if and when he is ready to.

Yes, that is precisely what I have done. I've apologised for getting the wrong end of the stick (even though I'm not entirely convinced I did), and said I'm here if there's anything at all I can do. I'm now giving him space.

The sidelining, I'm 99% sure, precedes the illness, so although I'm not mentioning my annoyance I am still feeling it. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.

I'm not expecting him to be at my beck and call, but before he moved away it was me who would visit him in hospital, or leave work early to take chicken soup and Paracetamol round when he was ill, or talk him down when he thought he might have contracted HIV, or listen to him talk about his first sexual relationship, or phone his mum to lie about where he was when she couldn't get hold of him. Obviously this has all changed, but I say this simply to illustrate that this wasn't some one-sided friendship where I was always demanding things of him and didn't reciprocate.

Yes, I'll do this. I might message again in a few weeks, but not anything that requires a response so he can ignore if he's not up to it.

It doesn’t make you a bad person, of course not! But you are making your own life harder for yourself if you can’t find an way to set aside your feelings.

I’m sure it’s frustrating and worrying not to be able to support him more tangibly as you used to, but it isn’t what he needs from you now.

This

I don't think you were unreasonable to confront him about it because it's a change in the way you usually communicate and it's hurtful to be ignored. You couldn't have known he is seriously ill and you also wouldn't be unreasonable for feeling a bit hurt that he didn't tell you.

I think now you've just got to decide how you're going to handle it. I imagine he hasn't told people back home because he maybe doesn't have the head space to be updating everyone when no one can really help him. It sounds like you really value him as a friend so I'd just tell him that the lines of communication will always be open and that you won't always expect a reply when you do get in touch. But I wouldn't write off the friendship at all, he's obviously going through a lot

Or even wait until Christmas unless he messsges before.

Oh I'll get over it - this (his response) only happened a few days ago.

Thanks everyone - this has really helped to get my head straight about it.

Because I know him so well I know that he's awful in a crisis, especially health-related, so I know he will be very stressed.

Can you send him something nice? Flowers or a lovely blanket etc whatever is appropriate.

Doing a practical thing to let him know you are thinking of him might help you feel better.

I'd maybe send something like "I wish you'd told me you were unwell sooner, I'd have supported and listened to you, as your friend. I wish you well, you have my number, so please reach out when time allows, I'd love to see you again soon. Take care"

Very much puts the onus on him then? x

I don't see how you've done anything wrong. All he had to do was to say he's got a lot going on and you'll catch up eventually, or whatever. He shouldn't have had a go at you for calling him out only to then play the illness card to make you feel bad. How could you have known when he hasn't told you anything?

You last saw him in person two decades ago?