Friendship situation

[Tootsurly]

I'll try to keep this brief.

Good friend, formerly very close - i.e. would spend every weekend together and go on holiday together, each other's go-to person in case of crisis - until he met his partner and moved abroad about 20 years ago. Have known him all my life.

Four times this year he ignored my messages. This has been been interspersed with periods of perfectly normal chatty contact, so I didn't bring it up. There hasn't been any falling out. He was late wishing me a happy birthday (first time ever) a few months ago and since then back to being quiet.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote asking if he was ok, and was ignored again, so this time, after ten days or so (including two weekends in case he was too busy to respond during the week) I did bring it up and said I felt like I was flogging a dead horse, although I really didn't know why.

All of a sudden he's really pissed off, accusing me of being paranoid to automatically think his silence it's to do with me, that he's seriously ill and this is drama he can do without.

AIBU to feel a bit cheesed off, or have I committed some obvious faux pas I'm not aware of? Five times now he's ignored me since January, so I'm hardly being "paranoid". Plus I wrote specifically to find out if all was well, but I'm the arsehole for "creating drama" when he's seriously ill - which I didn't know because he didn't tell me.

I wrote back in very conciliatory tones, sorry to jump to the wrong conclusion, hope he's getting help, is there anything at all I can do.

Just to reiterate, we are (were?) very good friends and the last time I saw him (summer 2025) we met for brunch and were still chatting at about 5pm so yes, we like(d) each other.

Also he's gay, so there are no romantic complications.

You say you know him so well… he moved abroad two decades ago. How often have you seen him since then?

He moved abroad with his partner… does he have children?

Do you have a partner?

You didn't know he was ill, you did nothing wrong. If he is having a really difficult time I think his reaction is understandable and not worth falling out over.
I'm experiencing something similar right now and have been tempted to just send a message saying it feels like we're not friends anymore. I do worry she has something going on that's causing the lack of contact so I've held back but it is so frustrating. Like you, I've been her go to person. She came to me with things no one else knew, we've called each other in a crisis so I kind of feel like a quick text to say she is struggling so it's hard to be in contact wouldn't be difficult for her.

Do you think he just couldn't be bothered and is using the illness as an excuse?

Sorry OP, but I can't say that I'd believe the illness thing, the fact he was flakey before you challenged him says to me that he felt embarrassed to be called out on it, and figured that being 'seriously ill' would be something you couldn't argue about. I'd let him go unless he makes the effort to get in touch in the fairly near future.

That's a really good idea. Thank you.

I think it’s a bad idea, leave him alone and send him a happy Christmas message, he needs space.

I think the first part could sound a bit accusatory in a message, but I like the second part.

Op you say you’re very close…. How often do you get together in person?

Do You have a partner?

When my exact question was, "Are you ok?" and he ignores it, but then uses his illness as a stick to beat me with, yes. But he will be in a state about it, so I kind of understand.

No. Read the OP.

I don’t think four times in a year is particularly awful, and slightly odd that you’re keeping count. Sounds like he’s got a lot on his plate, I’d just give him space. I’d find someone counting my replies (or lack of them) suffocating.

Yes you had brunch with him over a year ago

but how often do you actually see him and get together with him?

Several times a year most years.

Him visiting you or him coming back for a visit?

Has been ever invited you to stay at his with his family? Do you know his partner well? His kids?

He has a couple of chronic conditions and is quite overweight, so it's very plausible. Neither of them seemed to be massively interfering with his day-to-day life, but I guess these things can change.

Yes, your experience sounds very similar.

I don't think the illness is fabricated, but it could be a excuse. He's clearly able to text!

I already explained upthread that I wasn't "keeping count".

Has he invited you over to his home country ever?

Agree with this. Sending something in this context is very intense. He is much less of a friend to you than you are accepting not because of anything either of you have done but because circumstances and both of you have changed as people in 20years.

Exactly this is the feel I’m getting. He started a whole new life with a partner (does he have children @Tootsurly ?)

and this is all in his past so he’s not fussed it would seem

Actually yes it bloody does if you’re seriously ill. I honestly can’t believe some people. His immediate family and his own feelings are his priority not some distant friend who he has actually spoken to throughout the year. I ,personally, have no time for people who expect constant answers or messages at their request or demand.

They haven’t been a priority for years
This weekend… suddenly number 1 priority

As someone who was blindsided to hear about the death from cancer of an ex close colleague and good friend I didn’t know was ill….. his wife told me that he was almost ashamed and in denial about his illness and didn’t want many people to know. Wonder if that could be true here? He’s still having his own major struggles?

F

his Heads mashed and I might be complicated by his relationship as his partner might not like to share his attentions. Can you give him a bit of space and then have a phone call? Texting is always ambiguous