To not accommodate

[Anonmom812]

My 17 year old has a bf, they were taking it in turns to sleep at each others houses and eat there. Then they used to stay at his but still come to mine for food. They spend 24/7 together as neither are currently in college or work due to mental health (my daughter is in the wait list for some places and waiting for counselling and on anxiety meds).
They now currently have been staying here for a while and I don't really mind that but he eats alot so it's costing me more in food. I don't really know a tactful way to go about bringing the subject up without making anyone feel unwelcome or uncomfortable. I have two other kids and currently only work a part time job.
It's also hard to go out anywhere without him as they are always together but then that also costs extra money as I end up having to pay for him as I feel bad leaving him out.

Just wondering how anyone else would go about this?

Presumably he hasn’t got a job so has no money.

most 17 year olds have very little money.

personally I wouldn’t raise it with either of them but I would cut the amount of food I kept in the house.

are they eating family meals with you or going through the fridge to do 3am cooking?

There is no justify for them spending 24 hours a day together-you say that because they are not in school or work, that’s why they have to be together. No.

’You are spending all of your time together here and I don’t want this to continue. I am paying for all of X’s food which is expensive and he’s not my responsibility. He can stay over on Saturday nights only from now on’

I'd stop the sleepovers or feeding him, or at the very least limit their food to cheap or small options. They are taking advantage of you and you aren't giving them any incentive to find work/study/improve their circumstances.

He needs to apply for benefits. And tell dd you are happy if he brings his own ingredients to cook at your house .Even your dd must see its a piss take?

How old is he? Where are his parents in all this if he's under 18?

What are their plans for work and college in the future? They can’t just both sit at home 24/7 forever. What is her boyfriend’s aim in life?
Id say he can only stay at weekends. He needs to find something productive to do.

No doubt they are in your house full time as his parents got fed -up of your daughter being in their home full time.

I would tell them your daughter that they're spending too much together. He can stay two nights a week, they can eat food you cook for dinner. And that you can't afford to fund the way things are now.

They're both not in school or work? Sounds like you'll be in this position for a very long time, I feel bad for you.

There is no way that I would be supporting someone else's non-working, non-studying child. Jesus. Tell him straight that he needs to contribute to the household or get lost. What a sponger.

How long has it been going on for? I see your perspective but also they are young and in love, plus the mental health issues, I don’t see you saying something working well to be honest but I don’t think you are being unreasonable.
id say up to four nights a week together at either house, but voice it as “I like spending time with you alone too/this is a healthier balanced way to have a relationship” rather than you being fed up of him

They spend 24/7 together as neither are currently in college or work due to mental health

Sounds like a recipe for disaster

So they are effectively living together at age 17? Why?! I mean if they were both working, had moved out and got a place together then I guess there wouldn't be much you could say about it. But no way would I be facilitating this current situation. He needs to go home.

I'd put a stop to their dossing about tbh. And I certainly wouldn't be feeding him all the time either. Tell them he can only come over on weekends.

Sounds like a countdown to pregnancy.

I think co-habiting at 17 is too much too young. I'd want to set limits around how many nights it's appropriate.

Your dd is still a child. Put a stop to the number of nights he can stay, limit it to one or two a week.

I would stop the sleepovers that's how I got pregnant

I would tell him to go the fuck home. You have a mentally unwell teenager with no education or employment dating another teen with no education or employment. You have decided to allow them to act like they are an adult couple and cohabitate without any adult responsibilities. They get to live in a little fantasy relationship bubble that is completely unrealistic.

If you want your teenager to work on her mental health and to establish goals for her future, you need to scale back this relationship. They don’t need to break up, it just shouldn’t be her entire existence. You also need to make it clear that getting pregnant right now is not acceptable.

Setting some actual boundaries will solve your budget problem, but that isn’t the real issue here.

It does.

We get threads on this topic popping up fairly regularly on here and I always find myself asking why some parents are seemingly afraid to tell their children - often minors - that they cannot continue using the house as a free cohabitation hotel.

Parents - if you're intent on being all modern and allowing your child's boy/girlfriend to sleep with your child at your house, state your terms FROM THE START. If they push the boundaries, DEAL WITH IT IMMEDIATELY.

Good lord OP…put a stop to this now! Send him home…and as others have said, limit the number of hours/nights he can spend at your house. This is just not acceptable. And it’s not healthy for either of them to be spending all of their time together!! They both need to be seeing other friends and getting outside! This isn’t good for them.

Two teenagers with MH spending 24/7 together sounds like they are only going to make each other worse.

You need to set boundaries around all this - your dd is still a child ffs, if only just. She needs healthy breaks from him and encouragement to get back into college or employment, and MH support. She needs to understand that spending all her time with this boy won’t help her.

He also doesn’t get to spend 24/7 at your house and give you another mouth to feed without discussion. Set a limit on the number of nights per week - or say no nights if that suits you! They aren’t an established couple who need to spend their whole time together, they’re children.

If you had agreed to him living with you, it would have to be for an agreed payment.

My dd is 17 and honestly I can’t imagine letting her have a boy/ young man to sleep here at all, never mind permanently. Never mind just deciding someone else lives in my house.

I’m a single parent too - no men / young men/ 17 yo boys are going to be living here other than my son when he’s a bit older!

I earn a decent full time wage but I’m not going to be supporting anyone other than my own children.

The more I think about this situation the more I am gobsmacked about it. OP your dd's mental health is unlikely to improve if this continues.

This is madness. Why would you facilitate a seventeen year old who is NEET with poor mental health spending twenty four hours a day seven days a week with a boyfriend in the same situation.

It’s not healthy for anyone to spend all day every day with one other person. Never mind a child with poor mental health.

We would all have poor mental health if we were without a purpose? What do they do with themselves? I’m presuming it’s getting out into nature, maybe some litter picking, some gardening. Helping out at the local food bank and that sort of thing.

Such an unhealthy, toxic dynamic. Wake up, OP!