To not accommodate

[Anonmom812]

My 17 year old has a bf, they were taking it in turns to sleep at each others houses and eat there. Then they used to stay at his but still come to mine for food. They spend 24/7 together as neither are currently in college or work due to mental health (my daughter is in the wait list for some places and waiting for counselling and on anxiety meds).
They now currently have been staying here for a while and I don't really mind that but he eats alot so it's costing me more in food. I don't really know a tactful way to go about bringing the subject up without making anyone feel unwelcome or uncomfortable. I have two other kids and currently only work a part time job.
It's also hard to go out anywhere without him as they are always together but then that also costs extra money as I end up having to pay for him as I feel bad leaving him out.

Just wondering how anyone else would go about this?

This isn’t healthy for your DD.

I presume your other DC are younger?

if so, they are being shown a bad example which isn’t good for them.

I sympathise with you. Hugely. But you can’t let this continue. It’s almost a ‘cruel to be kind’ scenario.

get DD to GP. Get her signed up for online courses. A part time Christmas job. A list of household chores. Medication.

spell out how much it costs to run a household and explain that BF isn’t paying his share. costs are going to rise even more over winter.

You’re trying to help them see the realities of being in a relationship.

help her to see there is life away from her BF. You’re not splitting them up, you’re creating a healthier dynamic which will be good for their relationship.

It's abusive. And Im very concerned for the DD.

Threatening to hurt himself in order to force your daughter to go rushing out of the house in the middle of the night to spend time with him is abusive behaviour. I would be calling the police on the fucker and reporting him as a suicide risk every single time he did it. He needs to learn that threats are not a way to control women and they have real repercussions for him.

That's pretty hard, OP. He sounds bad for the mental health of someone who isn't already struggling. I'd be really worried, as I'm sure you are. Not sure what the best approach is, though. It's very much a rock and a hard place situation.

Would DD respond to sitting down and discussing the fact you just can't afford to feed him and asking that he goes back to his house for meals?

If you want to help your daughter, this unhealthy relationship needs to end in the way it is at the moment. Anyone who threatens to hurt themselves because he's not getting what he wants (ie, to see your daughter) is using it in a controlling manner - sorry to be so blunt.

I think food is the least of your worries am sorry to say.

This sounds really problematic. If you can’t afford to feed a 4th child then that’s one issue but the rest of it is a bit of a mess too. You need to get your daughter to develop a life of her own which will only be helpful long term if the goal is for her to have a job or be in education or anything besides lying around the house with her boyfriend. Have you spoken to his parents as nothing you said makes it clear why he isn’t doing anything for himself?

As others have said, the relationship doesn’t sound healthy for your DD. The threats to hurt himself in the middle of the night and her racing round to him sound particularly worrying. I get that you don’t want to drive her away though.

is there any correlation between her MH issues starting (or worsening) and the relationship timeline?

Can you ask your DD to have a bit of time with just you and siblings, even if just 1 day and night a week and say the food situation is getting a bit expensive and ask her if they can divide their time 50/50 between the other nights at his and yours? It sounds like things are most comfy for them at yours but that may not be the best thing for your dd.

There are times when a person legitimately calls out for help to a friend or loved one. I don’t want to discount that. However, threatening to hurt oneself is often a form of abuse. People use it as a means of control.

The correct response for your daughter is not to go to him when he threatens self harm. She can tell his parents, call his mental health support team, or call emergency services depending on exactly what he says.

What she should not do is give him attention or try to handle it herself. If he is serious, it is far more than she can handle on her own. If he is using it as a form of abuse, she is doing exactly what he wants.

If he hurts himself because your child won’t do what he wants, then so be it. That’s his decision.

I’ve been on MN since before Mouldies and Cod and all that drama and this is honestly one of the worst threads I’ve ever seen. Allowing your child to be completely taken over by such an unhealthy ‘relationship’ is beyond comprehension.

Your daughter's moved him in without asking.

That's bullshit. It's rude and inconsiderate to you and anyone else in the household and it needs to stop.

Time for him to go home. He can come over, but not at mealtimes. He can't spend the night. You can't afford to have a non contributing mouth to feed.

They can live together when they've got jobs and can pay for their own place.

If he threatens self harm, the police are called. He'll either get evaluated and get the help he needs or if he's doing it to manipulate, he will stop. Your daughter isn't a mental health worker and needs to hand this off to professionals.

I wouldn't let him in my home if he's threatening self harm.

This. Protect your DD Op.

Why have they no plans in life , and carrying on as if they are a couple? They can’t have it both ways. I would just stop this staying over nonsense. I would be very angry/disappointed/ upset if my 17yo is just mooching about doing nothing with her life.

Hurting himself is exactly why she shouldn’t be in any relationship till she sorts herself out.

you need to stop pussyfooting around him and make it clear to him and your daughter he doesn’t live at your house and you aren’t the 24/7 diner!! He is most likely the cause of her mental health issues and crap such as him threatening self harm to her is ABUSE pure and simple!! I wouldn’t have him back in my house personally and if your daughter initially goes off to his house when you say this she will be back. Make it clear to her it’s him not her causing the problems

Your DDs mental health would probably get better if she ended this toxic relationship & became independant.

I agree your DD should volunteer, work & be in some sort of education

Do some hobbies, sport, socialize with other people

Why is it that the first option is always benefits?

This is properly unhealthy. I’d be moving heaven and earth to get her out of the house doing something.

I’d be speaking to his parents and sending him home.

And if he threatens self harm the correct response is to call his parents or the police.

Apart from anything else, it’s not great for your younger children

Boundaries are the answer. Tell them what is an acceptable amount of time for him to be at your house and follow through. When they have an income they can pick and choose how they want to live but not while someone else is paying for it.

You have younger kids at home?

He moves back to his parents' home immediately. He's not allowed in your home. He's either too ill to be in a healthy relationship or extremely manipulative and abusive. Either way he should not be around your other kids at all.

Is this really what you want for your 17 year old daughter, a toxic codependent relationship with someone who threatens self harm if she doesn't do what he wants? She can't fix him.

Have you posted about this before?

This. Staying home doing nothing isn't helping either of them. They both need to look for some of work, or go to college.

This is awful for everyone I'm so sorry
What do they do all day with themselves ?could they do your housework and gardening and cook meals for everyone it will give their day some focus

I came to say exactly this. DD is far too young to be dealing with this emotionally abusive limpet. She needs to be free of this burden and go live her life x

Oh that's really not good, sounds abusive to be honest. At the very least it's unhealthy. I don't think you've done her any favours by allowing her to drop out of college and just do nothing.

oh my god, stop hiding food! You’re the adult of the house, lay down the rules! Stop being a doormat. “John can stay here but I need xxx amount a week for food, or he needs to eat at his own house”. The relationship sounds toxic.

Seriously, who is the adult and parent here? Kick this abusive, piece of shit out of your house and give your daughter some tough lessons - she is not responsible for him and anyone who threatens, controls and manipulates her is not worth her time. If he wants to harm himself, fine, that’s all on him. She needs to end it, block him and report any threats to the police. She wouldn’t be getting any phone contract/snacks/pocket money either while being a dosser refusing to go to school or work.