To not accommodate

[Anonmom812]

My 17 year old has a bf, they were taking it in turns to sleep at each others houses and eat there. Then they used to stay at his but still come to mine for food. They spend 24/7 together as neither are currently in college or work due to mental health (my daughter is in the wait list for some places and waiting for counselling and on anxiety meds).
They now currently have been staying here for a while and I don't really mind that but he eats alot so it's costing me more in food. I don't really know a tactful way to go about bringing the subject up without making anyone feel unwelcome or uncomfortable. I have two other kids and currently only work a part time job.
It's also hard to go out anywhere without him as they are always together but then that also costs extra money as I end up having to pay for him as I feel bad leaving him out.

Just wondering how anyone else would go about this?

Example
At 17

I had a regular paid PT job
I attended 6th form
I did volunteer work
I did chores at home
I had friends
I socialised
I respected my parents household rules
I went on holidays with my friends

Your DD sounds like she is drowning in nothingness

Same. Like hell would I allow this in my house. It’s just not possible for so many teens to have anxiety that they can’t go to college/work now. Just sitting at home all day was not an option parents would entertain. They need to do something useful - apart.
Sit down with her and work out what she’s doing - every single day. She needs to do something that doesn’t involve him! Like what’s her plan for tomorrow? And Friday?

He's under 18

Same.

That’s today’s generation.

I saw my seventeen year old nephew at the weekend. He works in a chip shop on Friday nights, he walks the dog after school every day so his parents don’t have to when they come home from work, he’s doing his A levels, he’s learning to drive, he has a girlfriend who he does things like going to the cinema or playing basketball and he’s going to a university open day with three friends next weekend on the train and he’s just painted his own bedroom.

You need to be honest with yourself whether framing their behaviour so much in "mental health" terms is really helping them, or whether it is causing you to accept the unacceptable and facilitate nonsense.

He is very unlikely to hurt himself in the middle of the night and if he is, your daughter is the last person who should be wrapped up in it.

It sounds like she's learned low expectations from you and is now applying them in her own life and relationships. Disastrous all around.

It’s hard to manage the situation but being at home all the time isn’t helping her. Part time work, volunteering etc will be far better for her mental health

Modern? My BF and I regularly stayed at each others' family homes 30 years ago from about 17 onwards. Why wouldn't you want to know your DC is somewhere safe?

The OP’s child isn’t safe. You would have to give much more information about your situation in order for people to decide whether they would consider whether you were safe or not thirty years ago.

@Anonmom812is she on bulletproof contraception?

When we had a similar situation his mum said that she could spend as much time there as we would have him here. We agreed on two nights at each house. No they didn’t like it but it took all the resentment away from us and his mum.

and they sorted themselves so they could move in together about a year later.

Exactly this, I wouldnt have allowed it to get like this under my roof. A couple of drifters who, because they have found each other, have no incentive to push themselves to learn/develop/test themselves etc

Poor MH doesnt mean that you lock yourself away, this is very likely exacerbating the issue, imagine if she decided for herself that she might like to spend time with friends/make friends/go on a course/start to test herself out - you think he would enable that and empower her?

No, he would become probably very needy and make her anxiety worse.

So when I posted I had only read a few other answers, and it seems from this OP, I was right

Abusive and controlling, wont let her away from him. Dont allow this, stop it right now. If she goes and stays and lives with him and his parents, thats her choice, but do not accommodate him or this relationships and make sure she is aware of her own needs and that you'll be there for her as a her on her own, not 'them'. She needs something useful to do with her life

Agree with all the other posts about the concerning number of young people now who suffer with 'MH' which has the effect of stopping everyone in their tracks to challenge this, to the degree that they cant do anything.

Precisely.

Id be doing what I could to get her back in her college course. Im sure she’s not the only student with problems.

Or getting her to line up another one, or doing atleast at the minimum an online one and applying for a a few hours work.

Having this boy around her is a recipe for disaster

No.

My DD works, volunteers, does hobbies, has friends and does chores.

There are many busy and effective young people. And DD hates when older people talk about her generation so dismissively.

Why are you putting up with this?! Madness! I understand your dd has mental health issues (my son aged 14 has autism and has been under CAMHS for anxiety and depression so I really do get it) but your dd is still a child and you’re enabling this and making it very serious when at this age and with the issues they have they need to be spending time apart and developing as individuals. He can stay 2 nights a week and that’s it, that’s what I would do. My dd is 23 back at home after university and we only allow her boyfriend over at weekends. It’s my house! If she wants to have him around full time they’ll have to move out.