To not accommodate

[Anonmom812]

My 17 year old has a bf, they were taking it in turns to sleep at each others houses and eat there. Then they used to stay at his but still come to mine for food. They spend 24/7 together as neither are currently in college or work due to mental health (my daughter is in the wait list for some places and waiting for counselling and on anxiety meds).
They now currently have been staying here for a while and I don't really mind that but he eats alot so it's costing me more in food. I don't really know a tactful way to go about bringing the subject up without making anyone feel unwelcome or uncomfortable. I have two other kids and currently only work a part time job.
It's also hard to go out anywhere without him as they are always together but then that also costs extra money as I end up having to pay for him as I feel bad leaving him out.

Just wondering how anyone else would go about this?

He should be paying board ffs! Although as others have said, this is much too full on for 17 year olds. I’d be sending him home and say he can only stay 2 nights a week max.

She’s a child with such bad mental health that she can’t attend school-your priority is to safeguard her.

I am currently trying to get her mental health help and I am currently trying to find an appropriate setting for education. She tried college earlier this year but because of anxiety and panic attacks this wasn't possible. They don't really have many friends. I have tried dialling back the days of them spending time together but it ends up with my daughter just hardly coming home or randomly trying to go out to meet him at stupid times in the morning because he has threatened to hurt himself or something of that tone.

As for food. I do cook family meals but they are also snacking during the day and midnight snack runs to the kitchen. I have started to hide a separate stash of food for my other kids to make sure things don't

He only lives a couple of minutes up the road.

They are in a deeply unhealthy codependent relationship. Their relationship 'normal' is likely contributing to both their health needs.

It will take a lot of untangling.

So having the food conversation is a step at least.

Two 17 year old can't work or study due to their mental health but are able to maintain a relationship where they are together 24/7? They're obviously not helping each other so maybe a bit of separation would benefit them both. It would definitely help you. They are playing at being grown ups so start treating them as such. Sit them down and tell them* *how many nights and meals you are willing to support. You don't have to take an extra person out with your family, you are taking away from your own kids when you do so.

I have tried dialling back the days of them spending time together but it ends up with my daughter just hardly coming home or randomly trying to go out to meet him at stupid times in the morning because he has threatened to hurt himself.

This sounds so incredibly unhealthy and damaging to your daughter.

What is she doing to address her anxiety? Does she not want to go to college or get a job or is she resigned to the fact "she can't and has to wait for help" (help that might never come given the post code lottery for services). What a sad situation.

If she doesn’t want to come home, fine. But I would not be encouraging or making this relationship easy given his threats of self harm. This is not a positive relationship for your DD and the sooner it is over the better.

Your DD needs to be taking steps to sort out her MH, therapy or the GP, but she can’t sit around at home all day doing nothing. At the very least she should be doing chores around the house to lighten your load.

Do you know anything about his parents? Can you meet up with them and have a strategy between you to sort out this horrendous mess?

She can start medication from day 1 through the GP.

Self-refer for talking therapy (GP can send you links for the free ones in your area).

Sign up to online tuition, or at least get her some reading materials so she's one step ahead when she does start. If going to college isn't achievable, then find other ways for her to achieve.

Hi, OP -

This sounds really tough for everyone. If you can let us know what has not worked for DD, perhaps we might have some suggestions? We could avoid repeating bad ideas.

I realise that getting the mental health needs of teenagers net can be a nightmare. Your DD sadly sounds like part of the anxiety epidemic and no, the system is not coping. But this is so typical of her age group that someone here may have ideas for her, and you.

However the boy threatening to harm himself when the couple are apart is something else. So unfair on DD! She needs to discuss this with a trusted, objective adult ASAP. Is there a GP at your surgery she gets on with?

It is also wrong for your younger DC to get the idea that this lifestyle is an appropriate one. They are soaking up everything like sponges.

This must be a very difficult situation for you. Of course you should decrease this guy’s presence in your kitchen and your family’s life, for everyone’s sake. Because the situation is so complex perhaps you would also find it helpful to talk with the GP first.

Best wishes to you family.

I think that I might suggest finding part time work.

So you are being held hostage by two teenagers? How did it come to you hiding food for your other children rather than having a firm conversation with the lad and your daughter about expectations and boundaries? Why is 17 year old allowed to barely come home and leave the house at silly o'clock to rescue her mentally unwell boyfriend?
She desperately needs some boundaries which would benefit her anxiety. Panic attacks don't mean you should be pussyfooting around her. She needs predictable routine and structure. She needs a calm predictable environment which is not upset by someone else's MH crisis.
You have to sit them down and explain the boundaries and the plan going forward. If he feels uncomfortable and unwelcome during this conversation, that's because he should be.

Oh op, how did you sleep walk into this? This dynamic is terrible for your daughter. I would be more concerned about that.

There is no way either of them will want to improve things, go to college or get a job when life is free at yours.

Send him home to his parents. They both need to either get into college or get a job.
Tell the boyfriend he can stay one night per week

When did she last see the GP? Can you book her a appt tomorrow? Has she been referred to anyone else by them?

If she was having panic attacks at college then what else is her plan- she can’t be at home indefinitely. What about volunteering? A different college? Has she applied for jobs? Being in the house 24/7 is terrible for mental health.
Either she starts acting like an adult and sorts something out for herself or you treat her as a child and say he can’t come round in college /work hours as you expect them both to be doing something.

Cant she even at the bare minimum do an online course?! There are tons of free ones online. It sounds like they are both taking the mick out of you.

It sounds like she’s also got the worst possible choice of BF. You need to make it less easy for them to continue this.

If he’s is effectively living with you he needs to pay rent, even if it’s at a vastly reduced rate. If that’s no good he can live in his own family home.

Also does your DD have a plan in place for her next steps? I’ve seen this situation and unless structures steps are in place the chances are she’ll still be at home not working and not paying rent in years to come, which is not helpful for her MH.

Tell her he can stay one night a week or move in and start paying you rent of £200 a month.

So hes threatening to "hurt himself" if your DD doesnt do his bidding? Hes a real catch isnt he?
I think you need to have a frank conversation with your DD and ask her if she understands that she is being controlled by this "specimen " and perhaps she needs some time as a singleton to reassess her life. Nobody should be having to deal with this at 17 years old!!

So they both have too severe mental health problems to work or study but when your daughter undoubtedly gets pregnant in the next few months I’m sure everyone -including them- will say they will make great parents and you will be left to babysit whilst the tax payers fund their lifestyle choices?

Sorry OP I know this is harsh but it’s a tale as old as time and both parents in this situation are just allowing this to happen.

She probably has such bad anxiety because she's in an unhealthy codependent relationship, not to mention the manipulation. I'm guessing the boyfriend has other emotionally abusive behaviours too as they rarely stop at 'just' threatening to hurt themselves if they don't get their own way. When they're not together how many times is he texting her or calling her? Your daughter needs some space from this boy at the very least.

Seriously? They are both so mentally ill they can’t go to school or work but both so super mature that they can cohabit like adults but both such babies that they don’t understand basic home economics and stuff themselves with other peoples snacks like cartoon bears and he is so great you are totally on board with treating him like he’s fine to cohabit with your school age child but he threatens to “harm himself” if she doesn’t run over there when called. Tell her she’s not allowed to see him any more and give her menu planning and food budgeting responsibility for the family.

They are 17. There would be no sleeping over for either of them. Children shouldn’t be having what are essentially condoned sexual relationships.

or randomly trying to go out to meet him at stupid times in the morning because he has threatened to hurt himself or something of that tone

Jesus. So she's also in a controlling relationship? You need to sit her down and talk to her properly. Yes she's 17, she's going to fight back but if you don't try and do something about it now you'll going to have much bigger problems in the future

I also think you need to get DD talking to someone she trusts very quickly to minimise the possibility of a baby, OP.

This guy is controlling.