In tears at work and need someone to help me get a grip

[Wgfff]

I have a meeting shortly and I’m a bit of a mess. My dc just started private school and obviously things are a little stretched because of this. My manager knows she is at private as she specifically asked where she was going to school.

Anyway, we have a policy where if you volunteer to work between Christmas and new year you get double pay. I’ve volunteered for this. My manager has queried it and said I have a young family why would I do that etc. I said I could do with the money. She responded to say it’s my choice to spend excess money on schooling and that’s on me, don’t be so penny pinching and get myself into silly scenarios. She must have seen the look on my face and tried to backtrack a bit, saying obviously it’s up to me what I spend my money on but I shouldn’t be so worried etc.

I just feel embarrassed and shit. I am a single parent now as I recently broke up with ex (she does not know this) and whilst we share fees, things have still felt heavy recently in lots of ways. I can’t seem to pull myself together and feel like I can’t win at all, I’m literally just trying to do my best

Here's my version of telling you to get a grip @Wgfff

I think that your manager might have been worried about how you'd cope. The usual rhetoric is that "Christmas is for children" (the Mumsnet mantra to justify why parents should always be given whatever leave they want over Christmas - see many many threads on here). So your manager may have been a bit surprised that a parent of young children was volunteering to work over the Christmas period.

But it strikes me that you're projecting general (and understandable) upset from your marriage break up onto your manager.

What are you really upset about? Your manager may have made judgemental comments about fee-paying schools, but you also mentioned this as the reason for volunteering for work at a time that usually parents won't touch.

Maybe in a bit of a backwards or awkward way, she was trying to look out for you?

And maybe your judgement is off, as the break up of your marriage may be causing you to see everything a bit awry at the moment (and who could blame you)?

TLDR: It's you, not her.

Similar happened to me once.

I was severely underpaid at work, job was in the City of London, £11,000 for a 9am-6pm senior admin role, and after-hours colleague socialising was expected, at our own expense. I also had a 4 year old and the father fucked off when he was a baby. No maintenance.

I looked for a new job, and finally found one. This was largely to help pay for nursery fees and other child-related expenses, but was also a good natural next step. When I told my boss I was leaving, and yes I said it was more money when she asked, she said "well you certainly manage to go out at lunch and buy enough stuff don't you! Don't think I haven't seen all those Oasis / Warehouse bags under your desk, madam! So tell me, how do you need more money?"

(yes I shopped sometimes, but as I had next to no money, I would treat myself to something like a bangle or scarf for no more than a fiver a week, as that's all I could afford - she was acting like I was buying shoes and coats every day)

She made me cry, too, as I just felt so stupid and she made me feel so small. I couldn't wait to leave.

Uuurggh absolutely horrible, unprofessional and unreasonable behaviour from your manager. It's absolutely none of his business beyond the fact you are willing and available to work over Christmas if needed.

She’s he’s assuming you’re absolutely minted and is jealous.

This is bullying. Do you work in private or public sector OP?

You could be snorting every penny up your nose from your crack cocaine addiction and it would still be none of his business why you wanted the extra hours. He’s a gobshite.

You don’t need to explain your spending to any one. I think that’s the bit you need help with- this person is getting in your head but it’s just a useless opinion, which shouldn’t mean anything you. You’re in charge of your family and you’re valuing education- good for you.

next time put your overtime requests in email, cc in other managers if that’s appropriate. I’d avoid in person chats as much as possible if he’s going to be so unpleasant. Try to get everything in writing so if you need to complain in future you have evidence.
it shows he has a terrible attitude tho. I’d probably see about other jobs.

I'm furious for you. How dare she. As a single parent you are doing far and beyond, not asking for handouts but paying your way.
I remember being divorced in Namibia where there is zero welfare, and after my full time job, selling sausages at the supermarket to buy my kids presents. I'm actually getting prickly eyes here.
You stand your ground brave girl, your doing the bedt job ever.

She needs to be reported or at least apologise. Your boss has absolutely no right to make comments /judgement about your personal life.

He’s condescending and patronising. We all have opinions but he has a filter on his month and he’s choosing not to use it. Very inappropriate in the workplace, and especially in a line manager/reportee dynamic.

My manager has queried it and said I have a young family why would I do that etc. I said I could do with the money
You didn’t owe him any explanation in the first initial question, I wouldn’t have disclosed that I needed the money, a simple “Why not?” would have sufficed. Finances are a private matter and none of his business, even if he is your manager. Unfortunately because you freely disclosed that, your manager has (misguidedly) taken this to assume he has the right give you unsolicited financial advise (I use that term very loosely).

He seems to be overstepping the mark with you on more than one occasion, however I’ve found people like this pick and choose who to take this approach with. And it’s only the people who they feel comfortable doing to this too. How did you respond to him during the Christmas leave conversation? I’ve found nipping things in the bud immediately prevents any future unsolicited remarks.

She responded to say it’s my choice to spend excess money on schooling and that’s on me, don’t be so penny pinching and get myself into silly scenarios
“Dave with all due respect, don’t concern yourself with such things. You’re not in a position to comment on my budgeting as you don’t have a full overview of my finances, nor am I here to explain them to you. It’s a private matter. As my manager, all I’m asking from you is to confirm if there is availability for work over the Christmas period. If you can’t authorise this, that’s fine, just let me know so I put plans in place” delivered in calm, relaxed and breezy tone.

This is more than fair. It’s also not too late to get this point across if the Christmas overtime topic comes up, or any other inappropriate remarks are made.

It’s easier said than done but don’t cry. You’re going through a lot right now so interactions like this will feel more impactful and bigger than they actually are, but it will get better with time. Just try and get through each day as they come, each morning as you adjust things will start to feel lighter.

I wonder if any men with kids have volunteered to work it and if they had similar comments, because if not that seems a pretty clear sex discrimination case to me. I would keep a note if these comments OP, even if you don't want to do anything about them now.

You hit the nail on the head that you can't win with everything and everyone so you just gotta do what suits you best and fuck the comments

If it wasn't this she was digging at you about it would be something else
A mother's places really is in the wrong

Don't let the cowbag see she's upset you if you can
Fuck her

Your boss was out of line but also I think this is the kind of thing you should be able to brush off.

I think your boss was out of order but maybe stop sharing your personal life at work if you don't want people to comment on it.

As somebody with line management experience, I am horrified by what I have just read. Her job is to ask if anyone wants to work and to schedule people appropriately subject to the responses she has received. It is not her job to comment on your personal circumstances, your private school choice or any other matter; and it certainly isn’t her job to imply you are penny pinching or otherwise. I would personally have a conversation which I followed up on email to reinforce to her that you were disappointed in the way in which you were spoken to and you feel she should apologise as it was inappropriate. You would be perfectly within your rights to raise a grievance.

She didn’t really just spontaneously share her personal life though.

She volunteered to work and her boss started to question her about it. Her boss pushed her into having to talk about needing the money, and then started to criticise her answers.

I can't believe this isn't rage bait. This would be an absolutely insane response from a manager.

Before I left at 6 he did say he didn’t mean to upset me. I think I do need to have a bit more confidence in myself, I should have totally shut this down rather than allowing the comments to continue.

Thank you for all the support on here, I was in SUCH a state earlier. I’ve calmed down a lot since and I will 100% not be disclosing anything about my personal life again at work especially where finances are concerned

Glad you’re feeling a bit better now OP.

Yes absolutely stand up for yourself more and don’t take any shit. It’s easier said than done, but the more you assert yourself the more idiot bullying managers will back off.

Why not take the pressure off and send your dc to state school

Honestly, OP this is bullying and I just hope it isn’t going to get worse from here. What was said was totally inappropriate and even if you deal with it informally by emailing your manager, I would still call it out so you have evidence if you ever need it. I have dealt with the number of situations like this where the individual ends up being sacked and it was all around the manager bullying, but the person didn’t have evidence.

Fucking hell what a condescending prick your male manager is @Wgfff
Yes, keep your private life to yourself as much as possible, but could you approach him and tell him his comment was out of line as well?
Or, HR etc?

@Wgfff
Talk about rub your nose in it!
Your manager overstepped the mark
And should not have spoken to you like that
And she'll never apologise so don't expect it even though she's a donkeys behind!
When you feel/get more like your usual self perhaps there may be some other job in the same field you could try for in the future?
She's thoughtless, opiniated and a snob who doesn't like the fact YOUR daughter goes private but
One day you'll decide you deserve better
And until that day, you're doing a sterling job

he did say he didn’t mean to upset me
Did you ask him why in that case he asked intrusive personal questions and made personal judgements on your choices? Or if he habitually does the same with other staff?