In tears at work and need someone to help me get a grip

[Wgfff]

I have a meeting shortly and I’m a bit of a mess. My dc just started private school and obviously things are a little stretched because of this. My manager knows she is at private as she specifically asked where she was going to school.

Anyway, we have a policy where if you volunteer to work between Christmas and new year you get double pay. I’ve volunteered for this. My manager has queried it and said I have a young family why would I do that etc. I said I could do with the money. She responded to say it’s my choice to spend excess money on schooling and that’s on me, don’t be so penny pinching and get myself into silly scenarios. She must have seen the look on my face and tried to backtrack a bit, saying obviously it’s up to me what I spend my money on but I shouldn’t be so worried etc.

I just feel embarrassed and shit. I am a single parent now as I recently broke up with ex (she does not know this) and whilst we share fees, things have still felt heavy recently in lots of ways. I can’t seem to pull myself together and feel like I can’t win at all, I’m literally just trying to do my best

Your boss was absolutely out of line
personal comments are not on
when you’re feeling better I’d say something

That's pretty brutal of her. I think she is out of line.
If it makes any difference OP I'm in the same boat. Lot of people are. We work for the money and we can make any decisions around that that we want.

Your manager has no business remarking on your personal affairs. She has been extremely unprofessional.

Her job is to support you to do your best work, nothing else.

Take the hours you need and ignore her, while assuming she acted from the best of intentions but was misguided.

There is no need for you to feel bad about this conversation. She should do.

”Thank you for your perspective but I’d prefer not to discuss this. I’d appreciate the extra hours.” if she starts up again.

Bitch slap your manager, strictly in your mind though.

Actually, I think your manager was very out of order, making comments about your spending and personal finances. It seems that she realised that though, and that the expression on your face was enough to give her pause for thought.
However, no reason why you should be embarrassed or tearful. She is the one who was wrong, not you.

You volunteered to work, presumably something they struggle to get people to do, hence the additional payment incentive. Why would she respond negatively to that at all??

Your boss was rude. Why use a school you can’t afford though? Isn’t that just more pressure?

Your boss has really overstepped with personal comments about how you run your life. It's absolutely none of her business. She asked for volunteers over the Christmas period and should have taken your request and been happy that someone wanted to work those days.

Is the meeting related to what happened, or an unrelated meeting?

She said why would you do that for 700 quid? It’s penny pinching.

I did say that’s a lot of money for most people and she said but not for me.

It is absolutely none of your manager's business what you spend your money on. People's personal circumstances should have zero impact on decision making when it comes to who gets the overtime.

Blimey, that's a really inappropriate comment from her. It's also wrong and incredibly stupid. £700 is a lot of money, it's not "penny pinching" to take the opportunity that she herself offered people.

How obnoxious is she . If anyone should be upset and crying , it's her . I hope she cringes at how inappropriate her comments were. You are setting a good example your DD showing her how hard working you are in order to achieve .

I had similar when I mentioned in the staff room about having a cleaner. My then manager made a remark questioning how I could afford it as a part timer and why would I make that choice. I was stunned into silence!!

You make the choices that work for your family - it is absolutely none of your manager’s business!!

I mean if they pay you enough to make working worthwhile then obviously double time is doubly worthwhile. She shouldn’t have said anything to you.

Your boss sounds like an arsehole

Your manager was massively in the wrong here. I was trying to be favourable to her and perhaps she didn’t want you to be pressured into working Christmas but the OPs update is worse I think and she just sounds very unprofessional.

I think she was trying in a really clumsy way to be nice and encourage you to have a work life balance.

But she was totally out of order to make a personal comment like that. She doesn't know your personal situation and she has no right to judge what you think works for you.

You sound like a great mum doing her absolute best. I'm sure your DC are very lucky to have you as their mother.

She’s out of line for commenting on your finances. Isn’t that the only reason though that most people would work for double time, because they want more money? Asking you about working over Christmas with a young family is a reasonable question but her added comments were not reasonable

Your manager was completely out of line. And this is exactly why you don't share personal information at work because it will just be used against you and she did exactly that. You really do not have to answer every question someone asks you

Hands on your sternum
Feet on Floor
3 deep breaths and slowly exhale

Get back in your body, into this moment and out of your worries.
You've got this.
Unless she’s planning to help in some way, you don’t need her commentary. You are making decisions based on what is best for your family.
It is going to be difficult at times, but don’t second guess yourself just because someone who isn’t you and don’t have the info you has thinks they get a say.

Answer 1). It suits me to.

Answer 2). That’s my business.

A minimum number of syllables. No opening for conversation or negotiation. Just shut her down. You have learnt a lesson here but learn from it you shall.

I’d be checking to see whether this is discriminatory behaviour. Essentially questioning/Not allowing overtime because you’re a mother? Also, deeply unprofessional on your managers part. What’s it to her what you spend your money on?! Maybe there’s a HR professional that will have useful input here.

I used to have a colleague who didn’t tell anyone her kids were at private school because people are unfortunately very petty.

She's an out of touch arsehole. £700 is a lot of money, but regardless what you do with your money is fuck all to do with her. She either needs you to work or she doesn't, her opinion on your life choices is irrelevant. Twat.

Agree with others- she was probably trying to be supportive and mangled it through bad assumptions about your circumstances.

You're having a rough time so you've taken it to heart- but it sounds like she got the message without you having to say much or getting visibly upset, so I think that's a result, actually.

If you want to and when you're up to it, you can just let her know in a very light-touch way that you've split up with your ex, and she'll no doubt put two and two together and feel dreadful. That should mean it isn't an issue in future.

And obviously ignore the idea it's penny-pinching- they wouldn't have the policy if the money weren't meaningful.

What next, will she critique how much your shoes are or your haircut?

It’s her not you, she’s an arse.