In tears at work and need someone to help me get a grip

[Wgfff]

I have a meeting shortly and I’m a bit of a mess. My dc just started private school and obviously things are a little stretched because of this. My manager knows she is at private as she specifically asked where she was going to school.

Anyway, we have a policy where if you volunteer to work between Christmas and new year you get double pay. I’ve volunteered for this. My manager has queried it and said I have a young family why would I do that etc. I said I could do with the money. She responded to say it’s my choice to spend excess money on schooling and that’s on me, don’t be so penny pinching and get myself into silly scenarios. She must have seen the look on my face and tried to backtrack a bit, saying obviously it’s up to me what I spend my money on but I shouldn’t be so worried etc.

I just feel embarrassed and shit. I am a single parent now as I recently broke up with ex (she does not know this) and whilst we share fees, things have still felt heavy recently in lots of ways. I can’t seem to pull myself together and feel like I can’t win at all, I’m literally just trying to do my best

You are a single parent and paying for private???
Is this secondary or primary???

Really honestly if its primary school she probably has a point because it sounds like things are very tight which may mean its unaffordable.

HOWEVER she is totally out of line to say that to you, as its literally not her business and totally unprofessional so she is VU.

However I had had similar comments avout other things and I give zero fucks because im confident in my choices and know I am an excellent mother.

@DontEatTheMushies yes she said you just need to budget to me!

She shouldn't be disclosing things like this to you, comparing you salary to others surely, or judging how you spend your earnings? Does she also scorn at whether you shop in Lidl or Waitrose, Primark or Selfridges?

Sounds like a terrible, inexperienced manager. I'd be putting in a complaint about them to HR or their own line manager.

I just feel really shit. I know I’m paid ok but I also run a house alone and life is expensive. I don’t waltz in with fancy clothes and a pricey cars. It’s not like I am spending what I want whenever I want.

Incredibly unprofessional of your boss, even a close friend wouldn't say such a thing. Try and see what that really was, a her issue not yours op. She sounds like she's lashing out at your decision because in some way she can't see how she would pay for it herself etc, my mum is like this when she's jealous of something someone has, she critiques it out loud and days she's just saying it as it is.

If it comes up again just nip that talk in the bud, you shouldn't have to justify yourself to a colleague, even if she is in an arbitrary higher position as you in thr world of work.

Can you budget her out of your life....?

@OhHobnobs yes I am not exaggerating here … I had a Waitrose bag a few months ago with my laptop in and that was commented on.

I think you need to file a complaint against her, or at the very least something on record. She was out of order and if you suspect your employment is at risk, you need the paper trail. You also need to cover yourself if she won't let you work those hours, despite you volunteering, as requested!
I can not understand why people think it is fine to criticise people who send their children to private school!! It's none of their business and others will spread same sums of money, or more on material goods, which noone seems bothered about.
I expect the rest of the team will think you are a hero for covering those days, as it means they won't have to!!

Ah ok, not an HR meeting or something.

Try to forget her judgy comments if you can. Take a look at some job ads, have some quiet chats with headhunters or recruiters or whatever your industry uses. You'll feel less vulnerable to being fired - that's why you're so upset I think.

If you're more well paid than average for your colleagues, that's probably because you're experienced, competent, qualified - all traits that rival employers will like

How you spend your money is up to you and no concern of hers.

Start a record log of her comments. Lodge a formal complaint.

Hmm, yeah, I thought at first that maybe she was well intentioned but clumsy, but it's becoming increasingly clear with each of your updates that she's just a rude unprofessional cowbag who needs to wind her bloody neck in.

Do you have an HR department? This is bullying.

She sounds jealous tbh

I wasn’t going to post this update as I’m worried you’ll all think I wasn’t being transparent. But it’s actually a male manager. I was trying to ensure my identity was hidden but I’m fed up of men treating me like crap. So yes he’s older than me by quite a bit. Can be lovely but has made a lot of comments since I started

Do not waste your breath on HR. They will almost definitely not give a shit, or your boss will feed them some story and make it all your fault.

You're in a company where a person like that was chosen to be your manager. The decision makers have bad judgement, and so will HR.

My apologies, HE's a rude unprofessional bitch who needs to wind his bloody neck in.

It's still bullying.

Organisational psychologist here! Your boss was unprofessional and spoke out of turn. Try and put your head down and get on with work for now, but if it was me I would be thinking of moving to another job and entering a complaint about the manager

That's a sad but often true point about HR.

Have a look at ACAS, there might be something useful on there: https://www.acas.org.uk/bullying-at-work

Even more reason to start your own record with dates and times. I also wouldn't be surprised if reflecting on it you identify other equally inappropriate comments.

Don't let the bustard grind you down

Not that it's any of our business, but the OP explains how the school is paid for. And no, she doesn't have a point. She doesn't know the OP's circumstances.

I had a Waitrose bag a few months ago with my laptop in and that was commented on
So this isn't the first time?
She's basically harassing you.

This ^^ is really good advice.

Your boss is a twat who can get fucked.

Don’t ever feel as if you have to downplay what you spend or where you spend it (eg the Waitrose bag). Literally couldn’t be less of his business and you owe him zero explanations.

Hope you’re feeling a bit better now and Mr Twatboss trips over the printer cable and lands face first in a plant pot.

My old manager was like this years ago. He didn’t see the value in what I did, (despite the bosses above him appointing me for a job they knew the company would benefit from) so he made little comments all the time about what I was paid for doing basically what he decided was nothing. He tried to make me do loads of stuff that wasn’t part of my job because he thought my job wasn’t enough for what I got paid. I left and went somewhere else.

It's absolutely none of her business how you choose to spend your money. It sounds like she has made a judgement already about you sending your daughter to private school, whether consciously or unconsciously, and it has come out.

If I were you I'd organise a 1:1 with her and explain how what she said made you feel. If you feel comfortable also let you know you have split up from your ex. None of us exist in a vacuum so it's actually beneficial that she knows your circumstances at the moment.

Experience has taught me to not say too much about some of your personal circumstances. eg private school, but this also applies to say, having an extension built, etc.
it can make other people angry / jealous, etc.
So in future, be a little vague about that kind of thing