In tears at work and need someone to help me get a grip

[Wgfff]

I have a meeting shortly and I’m a bit of a mess. My dc just started private school and obviously things are a little stretched because of this. My manager knows she is at private as she specifically asked where she was going to school.

Anyway, we have a policy where if you volunteer to work between Christmas and new year you get double pay. I’ve volunteered for this. My manager has queried it and said I have a young family why would I do that etc. I said I could do with the money. She responded to say it’s my choice to spend excess money on schooling and that’s on me, don’t be so penny pinching and get myself into silly scenarios. She must have seen the look on my face and tried to backtrack a bit, saying obviously it’s up to me what I spend my money on but I shouldn’t be so worried etc.

I just feel embarrassed and shit. I am a single parent now as I recently broke up with ex (she does not know this) and whilst we share fees, things have still felt heavy recently in lots of ways. I can’t seem to pull myself together and feel like I can’t win at all, I’m literally just trying to do my best

She said I was the highest paid under management level and therefore shouldn’t be saying I need the money.

I just feel like I could cry. I’m sat at my desk and just want to go home. So pathetic I know

What is the upcoming meeting supposed to be about?

Does this woman usually speak in this way about you and other colleagues? It's none of her business, and what you personally get paid is none of her business.

Can you work on finding some anger towards her rather than turning it on yourself?

It's not pathetic to be hurt by hurtful, intrusive, mean-minded comments, it's human.

What's the upcoming meeting for? Is it related, or just a normal business meeting?

Well all the more reason to pop your chin up and be the professional one OP.

She overstepped and it was none of her business. On top of that, she did it in an abrasive horrible way.

It may be - because I do know a few people like this - that she felt working over Christmas would, when the time comes, be a horrible situation for you and that was her really odd and cackhanded way of being helpful. And actually it might end up being horrible, but that's still your business.

I'm sorry things are tough but it is nothing to feel silly or ashamed about: you are doing the best you can. Hold your head high!

Manager completely out of order. What would it have been acceptable for someone to spend this money on in her opinion? Plus I'm single now, but when I was married, working between xmas & new year would have been perfect for me because my husband was off anyway as his office was closed - pointless me using a/l to be off for us both to be sat at home.

My son is self employed. I have always done his accounts. Now its going digital he has got an accountant. They have had his accounts since May and still not done them. Not replied to his emails. I have phoned 3 times today said accountant is in a meeting. I am dealing with it because my son cant phone when on site. He has till end of Jan to do this. AIBU

From a purely practical pov: you can stop tears by biting the tip of your tongue (gently!). You can't do that and cry at the same time, for some reason. (It will also stop you telling your boss what you think of her, so a double benefit).

I used to have an Imperial War Museum postcard on my office wall - it was one of the wartime posters, and it said "Self-indulgence at this time is helping the enemy". Let's just say I used to look at it often.

I hope you're feeling better soon. Your boss is out of line, but sadly workplaces are full of awful people.

She probably thinks you will be "working" while looking after your children.

no judgment - many of us will be doing the same during that week - but in roles where it's just keeping an eye and without double pay

Not sure what you mean by this, you still have employment rights prior to the ERA coming in. If you think they are going to try to short service dismiss you prior to that, I think it’s highly unlikely. Are you a casual worker? Is that the concern?

As pp have said the only reason the majority of us work is for money. She should mind her own business.

Though you may want to reflect if private school is right for you, if it puts this much strain on you.

It's up to you how you run your life, and what you spend your money on, it is literally none of her business, and I would tell her that- if she tries personal comments in future.

Why do you think this means they will get rid of you? Do you think she is saying that you are the highest paid and therefore the most expensive to provide cover at Christmas or that others who earn less are more deserving of the overtime? Or is she just expressing a personal opinion about private schools?

It sounds like you are going through a lot with recently becoming a single mum and you may be overthinking this.

Just don't bite through your tongue!

I know someone who did in a similar situation and the blood made it quite clear she had literally been "biting her tongue!"😂

@Wgfff your manager is very unprofessional.

1. If this offer is open to other employees it is open to you
2. she has no business commenting on what you spend your money on- for all she knows your child might have needs/ skills that only this school can address
3. Do not cry- be secure in the fact that her behaviour is wrong and send a clear factual email to her saying they you hope you can move past your recent conversation as your personal expenditure choices are nothing to do with your work performance and she can confirm you have the same entitlement to apply for Christmas working as any other employee.
4. If she double down guilting you for "small children" then take her to HR

Some bosses are dicks! My OH asked for a pay rise after 5 years of being on the same rate and the guy offered to help him budget his money better instead.....that did not go down well!

Yes it's always easier to see how others should be managing on what they get.

What an idiot your manager is. Has she any idea of how many industries work between Christmas on New Year? I worked most Christmas Day's when my children were growing up (hospitality)! I wonder what she would make of that 'silly scenario'?!

@Wgfff just seen your last post - she has no right to disclose that you are the highest paid amongst non management level that is confidential
she needs her arse kicked into HR wonderland

They are outrageous comments and thoroughly unprofessional.
I'd be tempted to put in a complaint, except presumably HR would defend her/the company, not you.
But please, don't feel pathetic. I can imagine crying at thoughtless, judgemental comments like that too.
When you feel better, hold your head up high. She's the idiot here.

You need to start your own AIBU post for this

My goodness OP. This is absolutely terrible.

I would raise a formal complaint to HR.

She has no right to make those comments, she has no idea whether your child has a bursary and you have debts or other family commitments for your spending.

Out of line!

Absolutely non of her business and not her place to lecture you on how you spend your wages. What a twat, complain to hr.

I don't agree with private school and I still think your manager was out of line. Wtf, why is it her concern why you need extra money? You do work, they pay you. That's the deal you have all agreed to.

@Kingdomofsleep client meeting but was with her. It’s finished now.

I agree not her business to comment.

However, I wonder if she was trying to say that you should be leaving the overtime payments to those in the more poorly paid positions who need the money for actual essentials? It's normally frowned upon for more senior people to take up opportunities that are aimed at more junior staff.