In tears at work and need someone to help me get a grip

[Wgfff]

I have a meeting shortly and I’m a bit of a mess. My dc just started private school and obviously things are a little stretched because of this. My manager knows she is at private as she specifically asked where she was going to school.

Anyway, we have a policy where if you volunteer to work between Christmas and new year you get double pay. I’ve volunteered for this. My manager has queried it and said I have a young family why would I do that etc. I said I could do with the money. She responded to say it’s my choice to spend excess money on schooling and that’s on me, don’t be so penny pinching and get myself into silly scenarios. She must have seen the look on my face and tried to backtrack a bit, saying obviously it’s up to me what I spend my money on but I shouldn’t be so worried etc.

I just feel embarrassed and shit. I am a single parent now as I recently broke up with ex (she does not know this) and whilst we share fees, things have still felt heavy recently in lots of ways. I can’t seem to pull myself together and feel like I can’t win at all, I’m literally just trying to do my best

Stop crying and find your indignation!

She has no business making those comments. But how come she does not know you are a single parent and dealing with a break up?

Its possible she was (badly / clumsily) trying to tell you she’s happy for parents not to volunteer for this because family time is precious.

And I suspect possibly that your understandable upset, to be crying in the office is about the bigger picture rather than just her ridiculous comments.

You are doing a great job as a Mum OP, don’t be ground down by nonsense like this.

Is your boss wrong though? If you have to work between Christmas and New Year, voluntarily, does this not prove her point?

It sounds as though you are in for some hard years ahead

I hope you've had your meeting now and that it went well. There's little worse than that feeling of rage/frustration/injustice at work and crying in the ladies (been there, done that, many times). Your manager was 100% out of line. I doubt she said it out of concern for your welfare, but even if she did, she was still wrong. It's entirely your business what you spend your money on. You could spend it all on bubble gum and botox and it would still be none of her business. Stay calm, keeping breathing and remember at least you're not a compassionless dick like her (£700 is not much money indeed!)

It doesn’t matter what you spend it on, you could be piling it up and setting it on fire that it’s still none of their business.

Last year my manager also made a comment about me being paid quite well (30k!!!!!) and I’m still pissed about it. I’m also a single parent.

Yes, her boss is still wrong. She's not a social worker. For all she - or any of us - knows the kids are with their dad or grandparents over those days and OP is at a loose end. STOP JUDGING MOTHERS.

Do you feel you can say you aren't feeling well and need to go home? Maybe once you are home you could build up the courage to email him and explain that you really would appreciate the hours as you have recently split with your husband and need the extra income for Christmas.

He was out of order, it isn't his place to comment.

However, if he understands then there is the hope that he won't make awful comments like this again?

She was totally out of line to comment on your life like that

In future this.

However your manager massivley overstepped and strayed into personal judgement remarks.

Wow. Your manager is as unprofessional as he is unpleasant. Can they not afford to pay you for the overtime?

If £700 is not a lot of money to him, maybe he can give that to you as a cash gift at Christmas - mangers are supposed to give something nice to those they manage then, aren’t they? And it’s so lovely that it’s not much to him and it is to you. Perfect.

More seriously, if your HR would not tell him to apologise then you need to consider moving jobs.

As others have said. It was absolutely none of his business and incredibly unprofessional of him to make a point of it.

What you spend your money on and how you decide to earn your money when there's an offer on the table like overtime is entirely your own business. I would make sure you keep any personal info private in future - not because others "deserve" to comment on it or tht it's happened is your fault in any way, but because some other people are unprofessional, resentful twats who have now made an employee feel bad and end up in tears for no other reason than their manager's personal inadequacies. Tosser.

Indeed. Shades of the Catherine Zeta Jones and "a million dollars is not a lot of money to us."

Twats.

Time to go to HR

Out of order. Do you feel you're in a position - personally and professionally - to be the one to wear the big pants, and stand up to him?

Do not show you're upset. Organise an informal meeting, a one-to-one, but do make sure it's in his diary and yours. Use this meeting to explain to him what he said, why it is offensive, and how it impacted on the delivery of your job.

Unfortunately an ego may be at play here, so stay calm, clear but non-aggressive eye contact, 'Mona Lisa' smile, and don't deliberately embarrass him, however tempting that might be.

Don't expect an apology. If you get one - eventually - then, great. But the aim of this meeting is to let him know that his words have consequences for the motivation and productivity of his team, and the business.

Make your own notes of the meeting as soon as you can afterwards. Also tell a trusted colleague of the meeting, in strict confidence. Doing these two things will give you a little bit of evidence if needed in the future.

This!!! ⬆️⬆️

Moral of the story is that one should not share personal information with colleagues .
Op’s boss didn’t have to know that Op had a child in private school.

Goodness, I don’t know what is going on with all the people who think it is acceptable to say whatever they think before engaging their brain.

Your manager was incredibly rude and unprofessional. Hold your head high, do not shed another tear. You are doing everything you can to give your children the best life you can.

Document everything that was said, date, time etc and sit on it. Keep your ear to the ground and eyes peeled for other jobs. If he says anything further I would say that you are there to do your job, not discuss your private life. You would appreciate it if he kept personal comments to himself and kept your relationship professional.

So, if she is questioning your request on grounds that you have young children and stated that you should surely want to be at home with them, then she is actually breaking the law on grounds of sex discrimination. Even just questioning you in these terms ahead of allocating staff to overtime slots, is discriminatory so she does not now even have to act on it by not awarding you those slots.

I’d be speaking to any union I was a member of and/or HR and if HR fails to respond when the law is highlighted, I’d be telling them that you’ll be taking legal advice.

She's jealous, pure and simple.

Yeah. She was out of line and very unprofessional.

Has she got children who don't go to private school, if so she might be jealous or annoyed that someone who's below her in the hierarchy at work can afford to send her children to private school. I've worked with people like that!

You volunteered to work the days nobody typically wants and she’s complaining?? What an arse.

Bitch. Next time she takes her jacket off, drop a leaky biro in the pocket.

@Wgfff I might have THOUGHT the same thing as your manager (does she really need extra shifts when they can afford private school?). But it's one thing to think and another to verbalise your thoughts. He sounds quite stupid to be fair and if anyone should be embarrassed it's definitely HIM. Which he probably was when he saw your reaction since he backtracked.

You weren't complaining about your wages, you were just volunteering to work the extra hours and you only said you needed to because she was making mean comments about schooling.

I do feel for you. You are not being pathetic at all.
That was quite mean coming from a manager. Very unprofessional.
You're going through a tough time and that's probably why this has hit you so much, but you didn't do anything wrong, you have nothing to feel embarrassed about and you are trying your best...

Can you pop out for some fresh air, just for 15 minutes or so.. Or pop to the ladies?
Can you tough it out until your shift is finished? if its only a few hours left?

Please be kind to yourself. You'll be home soon and cook something nice. Watch something funny and have an early night. This feeling will pass.

When you are feeling stronger, do you have a union or could you call ACAS for advice on where to get information about your employment rights in relation to this new law (sorry I don't know much about it, but hopefully there will be someone on this thread who does) I would also look at the HR structure at your company, and your contract, so that they can give you good advice.
Things may not be as bad as you think, and there are steps you can take to address this. But not today. Today just be kind to yourself

The only thing unreasonable about you in this scenario, OP, is that you've turned to sadness and hurt instead of anger. Your manager was entirely out of line and it appears it isn't a one off. I would be seriously considering a grievance/complaint.

An alternative would be to walk in to your next one on one and start it with something along the lines of

"I want to talk about your attitude and comments towards me on my personal life. Your comments on how I choose to spend my money are unprofessional and unwelcome. It is none of your business. Your opinions on it should not be making their way into your discussions with me, or anyone else. Please stick to work in the future."
Her attempts to back track when she realised you were unimpressed suggest she realises it's not really her place and she's just got into the habit of being unprofessional and gossiping, maybe just in her head, about people at work. So this approach may be enough to make her buck up her ideas. But I think a grievance gives you a bit more protection if she takes umbrage at it.