In tears at work and need someone to help me get a grip

[Wgfff]

I have a meeting shortly and I’m a bit of a mess. My dc just started private school and obviously things are a little stretched because of this. My manager knows she is at private as she specifically asked where she was going to school.

Anyway, we have a policy where if you volunteer to work between Christmas and new year you get double pay. I’ve volunteered for this. My manager has queried it and said I have a young family why would I do that etc. I said I could do with the money. She responded to say it’s my choice to spend excess money on schooling and that’s on me, don’t be so penny pinching and get myself into silly scenarios. She must have seen the look on my face and tried to backtrack a bit, saying obviously it’s up to me what I spend my money on but I shouldn’t be so worried etc.

I just feel embarrassed and shit. I am a single parent now as I recently broke up with ex (she does not know this) and whilst we share fees, things have still felt heavy recently in lots of ways. I can’t seem to pull myself together and feel like I can’t win at all, I’m literally just trying to do my best

I’m sorry things are so tough.

Do you generally have a good relationship with your manager? Is she generally a decent and trustworthy person, but said the first thing that came into her mouth in this instance? I ask because sometimes when people we like and trust say tactless and hurtful things, it gets under our skin far more than when it comes from a known arsehole.

I can see a scenario in which, not knowing you were now a single parent (who may be sharing custody of DC over the holidays), she was surprised at your volunteering to work during this period and spoke without thinking. I can imagine if she has responsibility for rotas and scheduling she wanted to make extra sure that whoever signed up for this was not going to have a last minute change of heart and leave her understaffed. She should simply have asked for confirmation that you were making a firm commitment that you could definitely work those dates, and left it there.

If she’s someone who perhaps means well but cannot be counted on not to say stupid things or offer unwanted advice or break confidences, and then doubles down and gets defensive when held accountable, then take this as a lesson not to share any further details about your personal life with her. People like this are tricky.

She spoke out of turn and realised it and backtracked. So you have the choice now to put it behind you on the basis she won't make the same mistake again; or make it into a bigger issue if you feel it warrants it, or you don't trust her not to do it again, for instance if she has form for this sort of thing.
I think if you choose the second you may well get an apology with the justification she was speaking from concern about you being short of money and overworking as a result. She may get a telling off, but unless her card is already marked, that will likely be all, and the relationship will be damaged further by your complaint.
Go to your meeting, head up. You've done nothing wrong here. You may find she is extra nice to you to make up for her faux pas.

I also thought maybe she was clumsily concerned for your wellbeing but the updates indicate she is probably just an arse. And it's not 'penny pinching' to take £700 of overtime!!

But with the greatest of respect, while I absolutely agree it's nobody else's business how you spend your money - do you feel it might not be sustainable if it feels this tight, and that's adding to the upset?
Is xDH also working overtime at Christmas to pay his share? Or is he alright jack and that's adding too?

Anyway, that's a sidetrack sorry. And I'm sorry you're upset at work 💐 deep breaths,get your head back in the room and get through this afternoon as quickly as you can. Have a big cry when you get home if that's what you need to relieve the tension you're feeling.

This is what envy looks like, ignore her, you have enough on your plate.

You say @Wgfff boss is rude then say more or less the same thing !

@Wgfff your boss is definitely out of order , you could want the extra money for absolutely essential roof repairs, new washer, or a expensive bottle of wine.
It's got nothing whatsoever to do with her.

She's judging the fact that you send your son to private school, as she was nosey enough to ask in the first place.
It's none of her damn business what you spend the money on.

Also judging you for being what she think is penny pinching when she assumes you are very well off.

Does she think you work there for fun?

Don't let her get to you. You haven't done anything wrong.

I would be a lot more evasive when she asks you personal questions in the future.

Your boss is an arsehole.
Because I have come across arseholes at work I never disclose personal i nformation relating to financial and emotional matters.

You are doing what you need to do. That's laudable.

Wow she is unreal. A utter cow. None of her business what you do with your money.

I certainly would not be telling her anything outside the scope of your work.

You have no reason to be upset. She was totally in the wrong.

It's none of her business how you spend your money. £700 is a huge amount to me - like a week and a half net pay.

Is it because you're on a higher salary than others that she's so snarky?

I personally wouldn't send my child to private school, especially not if it were causing me financial stress above and beyond the other reasons for finances being stretched these days (screw the energy companies). And I do worry for you if the school fees are the reason you're taking on this work over Christmas. Was it your choice or did you feel pressured by your ex?

If she doesn't know about your break up, she's probably making assumptions on the wrong information. It doesn't make it OK! But that's where she's coming from.

Your boss is such a judgy busybody. I used to work in a place like this, where anything personal that anyone ever divulged was used against them. The judgiest gossips (male and female) were the ones who kept getting promoted, and the culture got increasingly toxic.

Start quietly looking at some job ads. You'd be surprised, sometimes the best way to get a payrise is to switch employer.

There are absolutely workplaces out there that aren't toxic, where people just get along and get their jobs done. I couldn't believe it till I started working in one

I'd consider taking that comment to HR, its WAY out of line.

And you're absolutely doing the right thing to stretch yourself for your child's education. You're doing this to raise her up to have more employment choices than you have, so she won't be crying before a meeting or doing christmas overtime because she's pushed to make ends meet. Be proud of what you're doing.

Some people have a really weird attitude towards private school. She just revealed herself there a bit! Ignore it. I was homeschooled and went to boarding school. That is like the double whammy when it comes to nasty judgemental opinions. They don't know which to be more outraged about.

Your manager is a petty bully, and should let her political opinions regarding private schooling/ jealousy, interfere with her responsibility as your manager.

Ive had a bully for a manager before OP. This may or may not escalate. If it does, start keeping a record.

Her behaviour was extremely unprofessional.

This is absolutely shockingly inappropriate of her.
Also 100% a HR matter.
Whom on earth does she think she is.

@Wgfff the opportunity to volunteer was available to everyone and you’ve every right to go for it without being questioned or judged.

I can only assume that the management would like to see those less paid getting the opportunity to earn more rather than give those hours to someone in their eyes can afford private school. I bet she sees it as you’re taking money from others.

You shouldn’t have to tell her that you’re now single for a bit of understanding but it may do you well to let her know.

Also, if private school is a stretch you may also do well with reconsidering to state school to take the financial burden off yourself.

Fucking horrible comment. You sound a pratt just like her manager.

You honestly sound very uneducated if that's what you think. Insulting and unnessasary to someone who is upset

There could be lots of reasons. Guaranteed Wraparound care included, unmet needs in state. I'm an SP who has put myself in debt to put mine in private for those reasons. The point is its not my employers business.

She’s a twat (although I don’t think she’s wrong) and you’re just overly sensitive probably due to everything that’s going on. Hang in there.

There is no need for the name calling towards op.

This. Your manager should be extremely worried- i know plenty of people who would have reported her and she would be in serious trouble. Her comments were wholly inappropriate.

So - tell yourself firmly you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Someone could have asked for extra shifts to fund a skiing trip. Would she criticise that? Or they want to upgrade their car. Or buy a new washing machine. It is none of her business what you spend the money on.

What an ignorant bitch. I'd work those days for that amount and have very young kids. How fortunate for her that she doesn't see the value in £700.

I’m feeling sick now that they will try and get rid of me before the end of the year ie before January when the employment rights come in.

The reason everyone works is to make money.
Including your manager even if she likes to pretend otherwise.
I’d like to think I’d have laughed at her and said this to her face.