To be fed up with my manager bringing his DS to the office?

[EvergreenDays]

I work in a small office and am deputy manager. My manager is also the owner of the company, and we share an office. I’ve worked there for about 4 years and genuinely like my job. He’s always been decent to me and I don’t want to fall out with him or make things awkward.

The issue is his 15yo son who has started coming into work with him more or less every day.

His son has ADHD and has apparently had a really difficult time with his mental health and behaviour and school. There have been hospital visits and from what my manager has said it’s been a pretty awful time for them. I don’t know all the details and wouldn’t expect to, but I do feel for them.

Apparently they’ve backed off the school pressure a bit and he’s actually doing better mentally now. He managed a few days back in September but has refused to go since. His mum works too and my manager says he can’t really leave him at home all day, he says if he stays home he’ll just sleep and play games all day and that isn’t good for him either.

At first he only came in occasionally but it’s become more and more frequent and now it’s pretty much daily. He brings his Switch and phone and sits playing on them. There are a few little jobs he can do but he’s already done most of them. He’ll sometimes make drinks if asked but that’s about it really. He’s also very restless and can be quite loud, arguing with his dad or complaining about something. He seems to drink nothing but Fanta, which isn’t really my business and there may be reasons for it, but he does seem permanently hyper.

The thing is when my manager is there he tends to just ignore him or tell him to be quiet. But when he’s in meetings or on calls or has to go elsewhere I’m left with him. I’ve had to tell him not to touch things, not to go through paperwork and to stop interrupting me when I’m trying to deal with work. I’m his dad’s deputy, not his babysitter, and I don’t really know what authority I’m supposed to have over him anyway.

I know teenagers can be difficult and I have no experience of having one. I’ve got a 3yo and a 20 month old so completely different stages. I also appreciate his son has additional needs and that my manager is probably under a lot of pressure. I don’t want to sound like I’m having a go at a struggling child or a parent who’s trying his best.

But I am finding it increasingly irritating having him here all day, particularly when I’m expected to keep an eye on him as well as do my own job. I feel like because I’m the deputy it’s just been assumed I’ll manage.

The problem is I actually really like my job and don’t want to leave. It’s a small company and there isn’t really anyone above him I can go to. I also don’t want to be seen as difficult or unkind, especially when he’s the ultimately the person who employs me.

OP have you considered what would happen if he had any kind of accident while left in your ‘care’ ? What’s the environment like ? Are there any hazards ? I know he’s fifteen but given the circumstances under which he’s being brought in to the workplace it might be worth approaching it from this angle.

Is he Year 10 or Year 11? If he’s Year 11 then I can’t see he will suddenly start going to school every day. I would meet with boss & try to come up a schedule for DS. Find him something to do rather than him just sitting around.

I know there are some charities who provide mentors for students who are school refusers. They take them out to do activities.

Can the council provide some tutors for home schooling?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for more clarification of a schedule & to say you need periods of time where you’re uninterrupted.

It must be stressful for your boss as school & the council are likely on his back.

It sounds like a small business so I am guessing no dedicated HR.

If there was an HR dept , or person, they would be telling your manager that he is abusing his position by leaving his child in your care.

As others have said, you need to talk to your manager, with compassion, but firmly, to tell him that your work is being disrupted, and ask him for your own quiet space in which to work.

Like other posters, I am assuming you are a woman, as there is no way in hell he’d pull this with a male colleague.

It does sound like a very difficult position for the manager and, but I guarantee he’d not be happy for you to bring your own dc to work; it’s unlikely the compassion you are being asked for would work both ways.

I wouldn't give up a job I loved because of one small inconvenient thing. You'd be throwing the baby out with the bath water. All jobs have some aspect that's not perfect.
Perhaps there's some space that son can take over and have his own little office, or just put your headphones on do you can concentrate. Watching a yr 11 child for a bit, while his dad is in a meeting is really not that big a deal.

What would be kinder is for her manager not to use OP as childcare and for him to realise that this will inevitably impact her work.

Sounds really tough as this is
impacting your job on a day to day basis.

Any meeting rooms you can work from? Or more WFH? Or a cafe nearby? It will pass eventually.

I would flag it up that I was struggling to concentrate with all the distraction.

Can the Dad drop him at a local gym for a few hours? Would be better than being on screens. I’d try and work with the Dad to come up with a solution. I understand the Dad is worried but does he need 24 hour supervision? Can’t the Mum chip in a bit too?

Is there any way you could wfh instead of being in the office?

Is there another office you can go and work in?

is it affecting your work?

He has ADHD, and behavioural problems and is a school refuser. She also says he’s loud and hyper and interrupts her while she’s working. It’s not a big deal for his dad but it’s clearly having an impact on OP.

Not true. I work with children who are not in education. The schools are fully aware and support them as best they can

I’m sure your boss wouldn’t be doing this if you were a man.
I really think you need to say you’re really uncomfortable with the responsibility of looking after his 15 year old son. He needs to know its impact on you personally and your work.

But experiential evidence.....
My kids used to bounce off the walls when they'd had loads of sugar

I work for one of these companies. They are not charities. We are funded by the local authority

Because there’s no way the boss would pull this shit on a male colleague.

Are you able to wfh at all? Just wondering whether your boss would still bring his son in if you were not there? If he can’t be left at home, then how can he be left alone in an office?
I know it can be very difficult for parents when their children refuse to go to school - but this should not impact your work. Can you:
wfh a couple of days a week?
find another place to work (I need to get this done today so am going to find a quieter space)
discuss with your boss that you understand he is in a tricky position but that you feel awkward having to remind his son not to touch things etc and want to clarify whether the expectation is that you are responsible for his son when he’s not there or not.
(If you’re asked whether you mind- be tactful but honest - and don’t say you don’t mind - as you clearly do - and you’re not unreasonable. )
Good luck! 🍀

Bucking the trend: create a project for DS. Criteria:

• in another room
• can be done in bits
• not vital to business
• Gives DS feeling of achievement

I’d start with something like framing pix of the firm’s achievements, products etc. Or watering the stunning new selection of plants you’ve arranged next door.

Can you work from home?

Many workplace insurances don't cover under 16s on the premises. Found this out when trying to sort work experience for my teen. I think you probably need to say something at the very least is there somewhere else you can work so that you are not responsible for him. I would say you are struggling to concentrate, there are nice ways of saying it.

E numbers - colourings and flavourings can have an impact too. Fanta is full of them - I’d wager there’s never been a natural orange anywhere near it.

I honestly cannot believe someone would write this. You would need to not have a clue how the world works.

This is not your manager, why are you calling him that? this is the company owner who is bringing his child to work.

That unfortunately for you is his privilege and prerogative because he owns where you work.

If you don’t like it, tell your manager and you can hear from him that it might be time to change your job because you are unhappy there.

In my first job the company owner brought his what were then young kids to work, they now own and manage his business as the man who was my boss has retired. You probably won’t like when that happens either.

I think school will know he’s not there- because he isn’t there. Sometimes it really isn’t as simple as ‘just go to school’. At least his dad knows where he is and what he’s doing, in the 90s and 00s kids who struggle at school with their mental health would just wander the streets during school time and would just ‘disappear’ from the school roll.

I quite like this idea but id be throwing it back onto boss
Have a chat over coffee about would could be done in the office for his dc to do. Perhaps you could suggest somehtong towards Duke of Edinburgh award or some other scheme.

It is NOT the OP’s responsibility to find this child something to do.

Firstly, that takes up her mental energy. Secondly he’s going to see her as a point of contact/support even more than he does already.

OP just be firm that you need quiet, orderly space to do your job. If your boss wants to bring his child in, that’s his prerogative, but he needs to put the child somewhere that’s separate from the staff so that he isn’t distracting them.

I feel like the world has gone mad. How is this even considered a viable option? Are we all going to start taking our children into work because they're not coping in school?
@EvergreenDays , you must speak to your boss about this, as you cannot be expected to work like this. Do not supervise him or do anything not work related. Utter madness!

How to find yourself at the Jobcentre in one swift move.

I think you probably need to ask for a 1:1 with your manager to discuss the situation. It's obviously up to him if he brings his son in but you can say that given you are often left alone with the son, you have noted it is impacting your work and you just want to check that he acknowledges that, because you don't want your boss to think that your work is slipping.
What he gives his son to drink or do in the office is really none of your business though. I wouldn't mention any of that.