AIBU not to invite my sister for Christmas

[GrinchyWhinge]

My sister and I live in a different country from the one we grew up in. She is single, I have a partner, and neither of us has children. At Christmas, she used to travel to the country we grew up in to spend the holiday with our relatives. However, for the last three years she has chosen to visit them at a different time of year and has instead spent Christmas with me and my partner. I think she now regards this as our new family tradition. The trouble is I don't want it to be. I find it physically and emotionally tiring.

For two of those years we lived in the same city. She doesn't have a car, so on Christmas Day my partner and I drove to pick her up in the morning, drove back to ours, hosted her all day, then drove her back home in the evening. We had no time to ourselves.

For one year we lived in different cities, so she took the train to us and stayed over from the day before Christmas Eve to the day after Boxing Day (at her request). Again, no time to ourselves.

My partner and I are about to move into a new home and would really like to spend our first Christmas in it on our own. We want to take things at our own pace and make our own traditions rather than spending all day (or several days) in host mode again.

My sister is mostly an easy-going guest, but she is vegetarian and we aren't, so we have to make sure there are veggie options, avoid roasting the potatoes in goose fat, etc. She is also quite a picky eater and will make it clear when she doesn't like something we've made her. My partner and I exchange Christmas stockings, and to prevent my sister feeling left out I've bought her a stocking and filled it with presents for the last few years so we can all unwrap things together.

She has always been very grateful for what we do for her and happily contributes to the costs, but the arrangement makes me feel less like a sibling and more like a parent. I'd like to take a year off, but if I tell my sister not to come she will almost certainly spend Christmas on her own. I feel guilty about this, but AIBU to want a break? And how do I tell her without hurting her feelings?

I think it is fine to leave her on her own at Christmas provided you remember that if you are ever alone and in need of your family, they are perfectly entitled to leave you to it.

OP has already addressed this when she answered many of the points raised by other posters:

'What if you didn't have a partner either?
Before I met my partner, I spent Christmas on my own three years in a row while my sister spent it overseas with family. I was okay with this arrangement and would be again.

Why doesn't your sister host?
She really dislikes cooking. On the few occasions she's invited us to her place (not at Christmas), she has always hovered awkwardly in the kitchen until we've offered to do at least some of the cooking for her. Afterwards she sits at the table while I do all the washing up. Every time.

It's just one day
Our new home is three hours away, so she will expect to stay for longer as she doesn't like using public transport on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.'

Her sister doesn't sound like the easiest of guests as she doesn't help and she refuses to use public transport on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day so will need to stay with OP for at least three days. She also wasn't concerned when OP spent three Christmas's on her own.

It's very good of you to collect these questions and respond to them on OP's behalf. Is she paying you a retainer?

Unnecessary sarky reply.

I thought the summary was really helpful. And it probably took 2 minutes.

Thanks, I missed some of that. The sister sounds like she has weaponised incompetence down to a fine art.

Has she close friends? I would say it to her. Just because her life changed three years ago doesn’t mean you have to go along with it every year. It would be different if you were very close and this was a longterm tradition.
Suggest spending every second Christmas together

Yes she is! She's paid me a massive amount that has allowed me to retire early so that can I spend more time correcting misinformation and guilt-tripping bollocks from goady posters.

Reading text for information is a skill some of us have and find easy to use. Others, not so much.

I think the alternate year plan is a good one. Gives your sister a structure and you some time for yourselves.

I used to be that single sister. We don’t have parents to spend Christmas with. One year, she didn’t invite me and tbh, I was bereft. I now have my own family and would never leave her out - Christmas is the more the merrier!

not really

For some, I've spent a few Christmases on my own. Bought a mini tree, decorations up, and settled in to catch up on my favourite tv shows.

It's got to suit both parties. The person who waits to be invited should also try something new if not happy being alone at home.

My DSis went to Hong Kong one year with a group, so as to give my DB space as he hosted her for years.

I would have thought that with your username it might be clearer 😆

It's your home, so you are free to say who comes and goes. I couldn't leave a family member alone at Christmas tho, its very harsh and there is more than just one the day that you and your partner can make special.

I'm a firm believer that everyone should be able to have the Christmas that they want without being responsible for another grown adult.

The idea that no-one can be left alone at Christmas is ridiculous - if you can be alone any other day you can be alone then. If you don't want to be alone, you need to be responsible for finding an alternative yourself.

Why would she be on her own? If she's willing to travel is there no one else she can travel to.

Would you be better off being clear about times and the need for her to get a taxi home so you have time to spend with just your partner?

I've just seen your update.

She can hire a car, bring some veggie food or toasties she can eat and agree to one afternoon (say Boxing Day) were you have the afternoon with just your partner.

I agree. If you 'carry' her now OP, she'll come to expect it and each year it will be harder to break away.

They THINK l should be hosting but lm not. My plans have been made which don’t involve hosting all and sundry. It’s booked and under control. I don’t see the point in being a martyr and gave plenty of notice about what is happening

It sounds like you have nice Christmases together. You want to make it slightly nicer this year from your POV. But that risks having her a potentially awful Christmas alone unless she is able to make plans now to go back home to see other relatives. I couldn't leave my sibling in that position, but then to me Christmas isn't a romantic event it is about family.

@GrinchyWhinge if she was ok her own every year or had a specifically tough year this year it may be more difficult to no have her for Xmas. However neither of you have kids she is free to do as she chooses for Xmas and has other family . So she is not alone . I would say you’re not doing Xmas this year so she can make her own plans .

If you refuse to drive, cook or wash up, I don’t think relatives should feel obliged to do it all for you every year.

Sums up my db perfectly. Add also refuse to use public transport!

Sums up my db perfectly. Add also refuse to use public transport!