AIBU not to invite my sister for Christmas

[GrinchyWhinge]

My sister and I live in a different country from the one we grew up in. She is single, I have a partner, and neither of us has children. At Christmas, she used to travel to the country we grew up in to spend the holiday with our relatives. However, for the last three years she has chosen to visit them at a different time of year and has instead spent Christmas with me and my partner. I think she now regards this as our new family tradition. The trouble is I don't want it to be. I find it physically and emotionally tiring.

For two of those years we lived in the same city. She doesn't have a car, so on Christmas Day my partner and I drove to pick her up in the morning, drove back to ours, hosted her all day, then drove her back home in the evening. We had no time to ourselves.

For one year we lived in different cities, so she took the train to us and stayed over from the day before Christmas Eve to the day after Boxing Day (at her request). Again, no time to ourselves.

My partner and I are about to move into a new home and would really like to spend our first Christmas in it on our own. We want to take things at our own pace and make our own traditions rather than spending all day (or several days) in host mode again.

My sister is mostly an easy-going guest, but she is vegetarian and we aren't, so we have to make sure there are veggie options, avoid roasting the potatoes in goose fat, etc. She is also quite a picky eater and will make it clear when she doesn't like something we've made her. My partner and I exchange Christmas stockings, and to prevent my sister feeling left out I've bought her a stocking and filled it with presents for the last few years so we can all unwrap things together.

She has always been very grateful for what we do for her and happily contributes to the costs, but the arrangement makes me feel less like a sibling and more like a parent. I'd like to take a year off, but if I tell my sister not to come she will almost certainly spend Christmas on her own. I feel guilty about this, but AIBU to want a break? And how do I tell her without hurting her feelings?

This. I’m not a fan of Xmas after hosting it for more than 30 years straight with zero help and now embrace hosting only one adult child and for one year, enjoying it alone with my pets and pretty much not even thinking about it. The sister is an adult and should either take her turn at hosting for once or make other arrangements. It’s not the end of the world, just one over-hyped commercially driven day! Sorry Xmas fans, enjoy. Live and let live.

Because the OP specifically said she'd feel guilty if her sister ended up spending Christmas alone and also wanted avoid hurting her. Doing it that way around is the most likely way to avoid hurt and avoid her sister being alone, so seemed to fit the OP's request the best.

ETA I'm not saying OP should feel guilty by the way, I'm just responding to what she wrote in the last line of her OP!

I’m single and I dread Christmas approaching every year because there’s always the stress of feeling pulled in different directions OR feeling that I might not be welcome somewhere.

Your sister sounds like a grateful and well-behaved guest, and presumably you love her. I would NEVER let one of my siblings be alone at Christmas. You and your partner can have your own Christmas celebration a few days later, surely.

It’s unclear from your post whether you currently live in the same city but if you do, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask your sister to make her own way to yours on Christmas Eve by train or taxi and home on Boxing Day evening. Also perfectly reasonable for you to, diplomatically, suggest that is the duration of the stay. You could always say you’re going away on the 27th so that it doesn’t sound like you’re throwing her out.

If you didn’t have to do the pick-up and drop off, it should make things much easier for you, and then one extra person really isn’t any trouble, so no idea what that would be ‘exhausting’.

Don’t know how old you are but you won’t have your siblings for ever. If you love them, cherish them and treat them kindly while you can.

How old is she OP? She seems very set in her ways. Has she no one else in her life?

It's not unreasonable to ask her to get herself to yours. If she doesn't like public transport, she could book a taxi from an airport transfer firm or similar. Or she can decide which she likes least: getting on a train on Christmas Eve, or spending Christmas Day by herself and sorting her own food out. You don't have to make all the sacrifices!
Also she could get herself some ready done Christmas veggie food from M&S and bring that. I'd offer to do this if I was going to someone's house where I was the only one with my own dietary requirements.

Yes to her taking her own veggie food and getting herself there.

Tell her you’re happy to receive her on Christmas morning until Boxing Day (figure out how to phrase this - you’ve other commitments, boyfriends family obligations etc ), but she needs to get to and from yours - ie she needs to get a short-term rental car if she hasn’t bought one by then.

it’s really not that hard.

Exactly - I do not get this ‘just me and my family, partner…….’ at Christmas.
I mean that’s every other day of the year, the whole point of Christmas is that people come together

There's a balance to be had between being selfish and doing so much that you get resentful.

Given that you've hosted before and she isn't willing to take her turn to host I don't think it's unreasonable to have the boundary that you aren't going to host every year. I also would flat out refuse driving guests there and back, I've seen that ruin too many Christmas days.

Besides it's only October, tell her you aren't hosting this year and she'll have time to plan something else.

My Dsis is the same, she no longer travels “home” for xmas and spends it with my family. She can be quite draining, drinks far too much and insists on cooking xmas dinner which is very kind but we all get bossed about and patronised in our own home. But i couldn’t leave her on her own on xmas day. One day it could be me looking for company on xmas day…

I think given she had other family she could visit, YANBU. If she chooses to stay home and spend Christmas by herself, so be it. Just give her some notice that you two are overwhelmed with the move and won't be hosting this year.

Like you OP I have spent Christmas by myself in the past, it isn't some moral failing! I didn't mind at all.

is it? who made that rule?

It is traditionally and culturally a day that families and friends in many countries with a Christian tradition spend together.

As you know well there is no ‘rule’ but if you have family and friends that you love, and who love you, it stands to reason that Christmas is a time you might like to spend together.

Now if you are someone who just doesn’t have that in their lives, then understandably you either won’t have anyone to spend the day with or won’t want to spend the day with anyone.

I mean there is a reason why you hear such things as ;
Season of good cheer , Goodwill to all men etc at Christmas.

There is a reason why movies, tv , advertising, books, etc all show people together. It’s a thing.

I hoe that explanation helps

I've read all your posts OP - just be honest, ring her now and tell her that you want this Christmas in your new home to be just the two of you. She sounds pretty self-centered so don't beat yourself up for wanting your own way for once (and hopefully more often).

She has over 2 months to think what she wants to do.

DONT FEEL GUILTY

Speaking as someone who never gets invited for xmas, I could never do the same to someone else. Tell her to treat herself to M&S food, she brings it with her or tell you what to get & that'd stop her complaining about your food if she's chosen it herself. Embrace the tradition & have fun putting her stocking together, I used to love doing that for my dc's. Have New Year for just you & your OH

Double post

It is fair enough if that is what you want though I do feel your sister a bit personally I would eat out somewhere. Also consider if you will ever want her in the future (not just meaning at future Christmases), if you aren't prepared to be put out for her then you can expect her to go out the way for you.

I have never spent Christmas day with my partner alone and would never wish to. You can spend many days in the year alone with them - why abandon someone on that day of all days, with all the emotional baggage that would cause?

Can't you engage her in the hosting? Or book a restaurant for lunch?

Just say you have plans for Christmas. She doesn't need to know what you are doing.

She's a grown up and whilst it might be a difficult thing to deal with, it's still not an obligation that you HAVE to have her every year. You've done three years. It's not like you haven't made an effort.

Give her plenty of notice and let her get on with it.

There will be other people in her situation who she likely knows who she can make plans with. Single people above the age of 20 don't all want to go to parents for Christmas.

It's not your responsibility to fix every year.

Well she hasn't put herself out for the OP by her posts! Pretty much a one way street.

If my sister told me she didn't want me to visit in these circumstances I'd be pretty bloody hurt and it would impact my feelings towards her. So if you value your relationship, don't do it. But it sounds like you've already made up your mind, so what's the point of this thread?

I was waiting for the bit of the OP about the sister's awful behaviour and it just never came? Being a vegetarian and a bit blunt about food really doesn't rise to the level of being intolerable. You're sisters - if she moans you should be able to tell her to be grateful. And hosting one family member, who isn't a difficult character, is absolutely not Hosting with a capital H where you have to pull the stops out, entertain disparate people, make sure everyone's happy etc. It should be low-key.

I also don't understand the whole "just want it to be the two of us" thing - what, like every weekend? DH and I are also child-free and live in a lovely house, and we get to enjoy "just the two of us" time every day in every week all year if we're not actively hosting anyone.

If you really don't want to you don't have to. But this whole "I want to find a way to tell her without hurting her feelings" faux-niceness is tiresome, because it's not actually a nice thing that you're doing. You don't have to be nice, of course, but you don't get to pretend you are,

Just make up a white lie about other plans and if she buys it then your relationship with her might not be damaged too much. Expect her to distance herself from you though - a little bit if she's as easy-going as you say, a lot if she gets wind of any of your actual feelings.

I think like everything else there's a middle ground to be had. Yes she's your sister and being on your own can be difficult at Christmas. But likewise people hosting at Christmas also have a right to have an enjoyable and relaxed Christmas. It's unfair for the OPs Christmas plans including that of Christmas Eve and Boxing day need to be completey arranged around her sister.

I have sympathy for people on their own but it seems on here at times the minute a relative (whether you get on with them or not) is alone at Christmas, all plans must be centred around them and everyone must bend over backwards to accommodate them. The OP and her husband have other family to accommodate too either side of Christmas. Her sister can't be made centre to all plans for this entire period. Especially when she's coming and not contributing to anything!

I think if you do have her, have her for a short time and definitely no picking her up and taking her back!

Maybe she doesn't really enjoy it either, but feels obligated to spend it with you?

Anyway, contact her now and say "hi, we're not going to host Christmas this year. It's a lot of work and we've a lot going on. I just wanted to let you know now in case you were thinking of visiting."

It’s 2026 and very sadly there still isn’t any room at the Inn for so many people out there.