AIBU not to invite my sister for Christmas

[GrinchyWhinge]

My sister and I live in a different country from the one we grew up in. She is single, I have a partner, and neither of us has children. At Christmas, she used to travel to the country we grew up in to spend the holiday with our relatives. However, for the last three years she has chosen to visit them at a different time of year and has instead spent Christmas with me and my partner. I think she now regards this as our new family tradition. The trouble is I don't want it to be. I find it physically and emotionally tiring.

For two of those years we lived in the same city. She doesn't have a car, so on Christmas Day my partner and I drove to pick her up in the morning, drove back to ours, hosted her all day, then drove her back home in the evening. We had no time to ourselves.

For one year we lived in different cities, so she took the train to us and stayed over from the day before Christmas Eve to the day after Boxing Day (at her request). Again, no time to ourselves.

My partner and I are about to move into a new home and would really like to spend our first Christmas in it on our own. We want to take things at our own pace and make our own traditions rather than spending all day (or several days) in host mode again.

My sister is mostly an easy-going guest, but she is vegetarian and we aren't, so we have to make sure there are veggie options, avoid roasting the potatoes in goose fat, etc. She is also quite a picky eater and will make it clear when she doesn't like something we've made her. My partner and I exchange Christmas stockings, and to prevent my sister feeling left out I've bought her a stocking and filled it with presents for the last few years so we can all unwrap things together.

She has always been very grateful for what we do for her and happily contributes to the costs, but the arrangement makes me feel less like a sibling and more like a parent. I'd like to take a year off, but if I tell my sister not to come she will almost certainly spend Christmas on her own. I feel guilty about this, but AIBU to want a break? And how do I tell her without hurting her feelings?

I think it would be a mistake to not host her this holiday especially if she can’t go to other relatives. It probably is a tradition in her mind already and you would need to tell
her earlier than October if you are not hosting. I would change the hosting a bit…skip the stockings if you do not want the additional expense….cut the visit short…Christmas Eve and day only. Tell her now you have other plans after that. Definitely continue to accept financial contributions from her but is she helping in the prep
too? If she’s vegetarian and you are not have her prep/ cook/ manage her own food. You can all be in the kitchen together. And I would not be driving to pick her up. Maybe bring her back home but she would be finding her way to me for the holiday. Do gifts privately separately with your DH.

That sounds a bit more like, Tell me you don't want me without telling me. It's rather passive aggressive and mean and it's OP's sister. Surely an adult and empathetic conversation can be had?

What's with 'hosting'? It's your sister; it's some formal dinner!! When I spent time with my sister, we used to be in our most comfortable clothes, cooking together, you know just "hanging out". Or, suggest you go around to hers. Christmas is for family. You spend time with your partner all year round.

I couldn’t do this to a sibling who would end up alone

Nobody ever died from spending a day alone. And the driving her there and back thing is totally ridiculous. If you are a competent adult and you want to socialise, you take responsibility for getting yourself there.

Shes an adult she'll live without spending christmas with you. Totally reasonable to want a christmas to yourself.

I think it would be sad to leave her on her own but that doesn’t mean you can’t change expectations. I’d say she needs to make her own way to you (can she just stay over?) and that she takes turns cooking. Skip the stocking, she’s not your child so if she isn’t doing something similar for you there’s no need. I think you could make this far less stressful for everyone and it wouldn’t feel like a chore.

Thanks for the helpful replies in both directions. To answer recurring questions:

What if you didn't have a partner either?
Before I met my partner, I spent Christmas on my own three years in a row while my sister spent it overseas with family. I was okay with this arrangement and would be again.

Why doesn't your sister host?
She really dislikes cooking. On the few occasions she's invited us to her place (not at Christmas), she has always hovered awkwardly in the kitchen until we've offered to do at least some of the cooking for her. Afterwards she sits at the table while I do all the washing up. Every time.

It's just one day
Our new home is three hours away, so she will expect to stay for longer as she doesn't like using public transport on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

Why don't you meet halfway?
My partner and I don't want to drive 1.5 hours to a restaurant on Christmas. I know eating out works really well for some people, but we'd personally find this worse than having to host.

What does your partner think?
He would also like us to have Christmas on our own, but after talking about it a lot he's said he would rather feel a bit of resentment than a lot of guilt, so we should host her but be firm that we aren't free before Christmas Eve. We also have family on his side to see around the holidays.

I should add that my sister has a licence and could easily afford a car. She's just never bought one because as long as we've lived close by, my partner and I have felt obligated to drive her to places she can't reach by bus. Now that we're moving away, she has started talking about getting a car. Hopefully telling her we will host Christmas for a shorter length of time will encourage her to do it.

Ahh sisterly love!

Blimey, she sounds lazy and thoughtless! No cooking, no washing up?! Can’t possibly buy a car or use public transport on certain days?!

I would break this habit and tell her now you’re going away for Christmas.

Whether you are or not!

There is no way you can tell her without hurting her feelings, but you already know this. As for Christmas it tends to bring out the selfish in most people, quite the reverse of what we all celebrate.

You could offer to host but under your terms. Work out how long you want her to stay and make it clear she has to make her own way there and back and that you have commitments either side of Xmas. Ask her to bring food for her veggie dinner and contribute. Or you could lie and say you are spending Xmas with your partners family. 🤷‍♀️

The sister has been pretty selfish here, too-won’t cook, won’t wash up, picky about travel, needs lifts, won’t get her own car…

She has time to get a car then-Christmas is ages away.

Tell her you’re sick of hosting and driving but if she drives, brings some veggie food, and does the washing up-she can come for 12-6.

I think you’re thinking on this is very sad and selfish. You have all the time to be with your partner and would be happy to leave a loved sibling on their own for Christmas. Have a word with yourself.

Just wanted to wade in here as the "single sister", I would love a Christmas at home, alone, but I feel obligated to travel to relatives as they would "worry I'd be alone and that isn't on at Christmas". Honestly I'm fine! Whilst I am grateful for relative hospitality and enjoy myself, I equally would be fine on my own. Not saying your sister would be, but consider it not being a big problem provided you tell her now you are doing your own thing Christmas this year.

I'd invite her to arrive christmas eve evening and leave on boxing day. Being alone at christmas is horrible

I would use the new house as a reset and say you want to change things up this year, do less driving etc but that you would love to still see her over the festive season if she can hire a car or even meet halfway for a faux Xmas lunch before the big day.

Dont really understand you getting called mean on this thread, why is the logic:
One person should always never get to do what they want on christmas... so that another person should always get what they want on christmas?
Doesnt seem fair. You arent saying your sister will never be welcome ever again, and she was okay with you being on your own in the past, so I dont think you should feel guilty.

This is a good compromise, have the morning relaxed with your partner but doesn't leave your sister alone all day.

You’re actually being quite selfish

if you have no kids and no other relatives to host, is it really hardship to have your sister stay over? Put a couple of potatoes in a sep roasting dish and buy a nut roast?

you’re lucky you dont have inlaws to entertain

I had a similar situation with my db. I had him over for about 5 years in a row on Christmas Day meaning I'd have 2 x 1 hour round trips. He'd sit in his chair ALL DAY without lifting a finger. He also brought nothing to do so I'd feel guilty for going to spend some time playing my dds. So around 8 years ago I took on some charity work on Christmas Day and I said if he could get to mine he's welcome but otherwise I wasn't free to provide transport. He made me feel v guilty but I stuck to my guns & in the end he visited friends & since then he's always had somewhere to go. In the photos he posts though he's always just sat in the same chair so I don't envy them 🤣.

What I mean is you can lay down some ground rules to compromise. It's perfectly ok to be a bit selfish at Christmas

I think it's mad to have to drive to get her and drop her off again, is that still the case?

To be honest though, I'd just split it up. For christmas day itself either go to hers (if she doesnt drive) with a load of easy cook/already prepared stuff you all eat, or host at yours just one big vegetarian meal. Then have your "traditional" meal and presents etc on another day?

Essentially, you want to have a day to do the Christmas stuff just with your partner and in your new house. I don't think badly of you for that, but it means either you don't invite her at all and put up with feeling guilty/her feeling hurt, or you compromise your day. To me, doing two Christmas days (a non traditional with her and another with just you two) is the least worst compromise!

I don't get though why the suster has to get the real christmas?

You do you OP just let her know now. I don’t see the reason for you to host her at Xmas forever. It’s not too late at all this is October.