AIBU not to invite my sister for Christmas

[GrinchyWhinge]

My sister and I live in a different country from the one we grew up in. She is single, I have a partner, and neither of us has children. At Christmas, she used to travel to the country we grew up in to spend the holiday with our relatives. However, for the last three years she has chosen to visit them at a different time of year and has instead spent Christmas with me and my partner. I think she now regards this as our new family tradition. The trouble is I don't want it to be. I find it physically and emotionally tiring.

For two of those years we lived in the same city. She doesn't have a car, so on Christmas Day my partner and I drove to pick her up in the morning, drove back to ours, hosted her all day, then drove her back home in the evening. We had no time to ourselves.

For one year we lived in different cities, so she took the train to us and stayed over from the day before Christmas Eve to the day after Boxing Day (at her request). Again, no time to ourselves.

My partner and I are about to move into a new home and would really like to spend our first Christmas in it on our own. We want to take things at our own pace and make our own traditions rather than spending all day (or several days) in host mode again.

My sister is mostly an easy-going guest, but she is vegetarian and we aren't, so we have to make sure there are veggie options, avoid roasting the potatoes in goose fat, etc. She is also quite a picky eater and will make it clear when she doesn't like something we've made her. My partner and I exchange Christmas stockings, and to prevent my sister feeling left out I've bought her a stocking and filled it with presents for the last few years so we can all unwrap things together.

She has always been very grateful for what we do for her and happily contributes to the costs, but the arrangement makes me feel less like a sibling and more like a parent. I'd like to take a year off, but if I tell my sister not to come she will almost certainly spend Christmas on her own. I feel guilty about this, but AIBU to want a break? And how do I tell her without hurting her feelings?

If she’s on her own I think it’s harsh to leave her alone at Xmas , you are and partner can have a few days just the two of you either side of Xmas surely ?

I think Christmas is a hard and lonely time for a lot of people. If it was my sister and she behaved reasonably as you describe and the alternative for her was to spend it alone I would probably make a tradition of having her to stay. If you value family then I think you have to show up for them and sometimes make compromises.

In this situation you could tell her you’ve decided against stockings this year and ask her to bring the food. Then do Christmas as you want it with meat and stockings just the two of you, the next day.

This

you have a lovely partner and a lovely new home 365 days of the year. Being alone at Christmas really sucks.

Telling her now gives her plenty of time to make other plans

You're well within your right to want to enjoy Christmas with your partner, I do understand it will be an uncomfortable conversation for you though

I agree with this. Sorry not the answer you wanted but Christmas is a time for family. My parents never wanted us there and made it clear they didn’t want me and the children there and we are now totally estranged and that’s on them. Love her and invite her. She sounds pretty perfect - I’d love to be her sister xx

In your new home will she be able to get the train or will you need to drive?

I couldn’t do this to my sibling for the sake of having 2 presumably tiny trays of roast potatoes! Just have one veggie and one goose fat…there’s only 3 of you!

Honestly, unless she is horrid - and it doesn't sound like she is, then this just sounds mean. Surely you and your partner have tons of time just the two of you? If you want to make it easier, maybe suggest she brings some food, or eat out? - you could do a boxing day main meal if you wanted to keep the costs down a bit and have some kind of buffet or just a different meal altogether on Christmas day.

Can you go to hers for half the day? That way you get to decide what time you arrive/leave and you don’t have the burden of cooking. Then you can spend the other half of the day with just your partner in your own home, making your own traditions as a couple.

Tell her you’re going out for lunch and will meet her at the restaurant she can get an uber
then you have all morning to yourselves
lunch 1-3pm
she goes home and you go home with your partner

This. Why is it ALWAYS you that hosts? Sending sympathy, l am also in a situation where other family members think l am Christmas bitch. No thought l might be tired and want to rest. Plus dictating what l cook. Not sure why your sister is turning her nose up at having food made for her

Tell her now so she can arrange to visit the rest of the family like she used to at Christmas.

Tricky one, but I totally agree with you wanting to be just the two of you for the first Christmas in your new home. Only thing I can suggest is to see if she would to go to her (your) foreign relatives this year, and give/make up the reason why. Maybe suggest every second year for yours from now on.

She has unilaterally changed her arrangements. You can do the same if you really want to. She won't be alone. But it needs to be handled very delicately I think.

I'm surprised at the responses advising you to let this continue when a) you already don't want to host and b) would be further encouraging this to be a tradition by doing it for another year!

If you’re sure you just want it to be you and your partner you’re in plenty of time to tell her so she can make other plans so I’d get on and do it. What’s your partner’s view? Does your sister have any friends? When my sister emigrated she spent her first few Christmases there with colleagues who became friends or neighbours as they were mostly expats and clustered together for occasions.

I think you've left it too late given that her alternative plans would likely involve a trip abroad.

She's not your responsibility per se... but it seems pretty cruel to pull the rug out from a close relative who (presumably) thinks you've enjoyed spending Christmas with her over the last few years.

If you don't like the arrangement, tell her earlier in the year so that she can plan travel accordingly.

Can you break the crappy tradition of Christmas bitching this year and make yourself happy for a change?

I must admit I don't understand this self-centered way of life that so many seem to embrace. To me the whole point of having a home is to be able to share it and host. I genuinely am flabbergasted that anyone would want to spend Christmas just alone when a sibling is down the road. Surely one feels warmth from the presence of loved ones.
There I am with a dh, 2 dc and a minuscule house trying to find people to invite as we can't be with family this year....

F

Going against the grain but this isn’t bringing you joy, just more work and stress, so tell her you’re going away for Christmas.

She may decide to travel to the relatives for Christmas instead.

Don’t be swayed by the responses here, many MNers seem to think it’s a woman job to give every waif and stray a spiffing Christmas.

It’s not always fair to other people expecting them to host you.

Why doesn’t she host?

Too late to change it this year but how about having Christmas lunch out? She could meet you at the venue so you have the morning together to open your stockings. Then back to yours for drinks and cheeseboard or whatever for supper, presents, tv etc and overnight. Then suggest you go to hers or overseas family next year. (Sudden bout of V&D pencilled in for Christmas Eve as necessary).

Cant she get a taxi or cycle?