AIBU not to invite my sister for Christmas

[GrinchyWhinge]

My sister and I live in a different country from the one we grew up in. She is single, I have a partner, and neither of us has children. At Christmas, she used to travel to the country we grew up in to spend the holiday with our relatives. However, for the last three years she has chosen to visit them at a different time of year and has instead spent Christmas with me and my partner. I think she now regards this as our new family tradition. The trouble is I don't want it to be. I find it physically and emotionally tiring.

For two of those years we lived in the same city. She doesn't have a car, so on Christmas Day my partner and I drove to pick her up in the morning, drove back to ours, hosted her all day, then drove her back home in the evening. We had no time to ourselves.

For one year we lived in different cities, so she took the train to us and stayed over from the day before Christmas Eve to the day after Boxing Day (at her request). Again, no time to ourselves.

My partner and I are about to move into a new home and would really like to spend our first Christmas in it on our own. We want to take things at our own pace and make our own traditions rather than spending all day (or several days) in host mode again.

My sister is mostly an easy-going guest, but she is vegetarian and we aren't, so we have to make sure there are veggie options, avoid roasting the potatoes in goose fat, etc. She is also quite a picky eater and will make it clear when she doesn't like something we've made her. My partner and I exchange Christmas stockings, and to prevent my sister feeling left out I've bought her a stocking and filled it with presents for the last few years so we can all unwrap things together.

She has always been very grateful for what we do for her and happily contributes to the costs, but the arrangement makes me feel less like a sibling and more like a parent. I'd like to take a year off, but if I tell my sister not to come she will almost certainly spend Christmas on her own. I feel guilty about this, but AIBU to want a break? And how do I tell her without hurting her feelings?

I think it's fine to stop Christmas becoming an obligatory hosting event. She's your sister not your elderly mother and it's early October so not too late to implement a change. I would message her and say you wanted to let her know in advance that you are planning a quiet Christmas this year just the two of you and hope she doesn't mind, and you'll definitely be up to host another time - and leave it there. I know she might be a bit upset but given that you don't want to host her every year (and you are perfectly entitled to feel this way) then it's something she's just going to have to accept. She is after all an adult in charge of her own life.

If you don't want to do it then don't do it. But don't expect sympathy for having to get her a stocking and picking her up. No time with your partner, what about the other 364 days of the year?

Tell her now and then she can plan something else or choose to be on her own.

@GrinchyWhingewhat do you think she would say if you said you don’t want to host and could you come to her this year?

Invite her and welcome her, do Christmas with boyf day before or after. You never know she might be cooking for you in a couple years time when you’ve got a toddler running wild and feeding a baby!

I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my Christmas knowing that my poor sister was sat in her own.

It might also be worth thinking about how you’ll feel if circumstances ever change. If your relationship does end for any reason, would you prefer to spend Christmas alone or with your sister?

I really don’t get the obsession with having to spend Christmas Day with other people. It may be nice, it may not. I’m single at the moment and frankly, I love being solo on Christmas Day. I would never presume I was welcome at family get-togethers or insert myself into their plans. I don’t need charity or ‘poor FloofyKat, she’s all by herself’ invitations. Frankly, it’s insulting!

It’s perfectly acceptable for you to want go have your own plans for the 25th. Why don’t you invite her for a festive meal on another day, suggest she brings any veggie dishes she finds acceptable (as she finds fault with your offering) and start a new tradition of a mini Christmas celebration with her.

YANBU, OP, but there are so many similar threads.....
Nobody is obligated to invite/visit anyone for Christmas.
It's just one day.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with spending Christmas Day alone - in fact, lots of people rather like it.
It really isn't worth all the fuss and angst that (some) people expend.

Op I think it makes sense to tell sis its her turn to host. Which takes a lot of the stress out of it for you.

I honestly don't think I could leave my sis alone on Christmas Day.

You know what? The grit in the oyster is what makes the pearl. Yes, this is not your fantasy Christmas, but it is the one which sustains your family and relationships.

Seems really miserable to be honest, but then I’m not the sort of person who could enjoy the day if I knew I’d left someone alone, we’re allways inviting randoms for Christmas

I agree with a couple of posters above. I really don't need to spend Christmas with other people. I have trouble convincing people of that when they invite me because they feel worried that I'm spending it alone.

I’d be a coward here and think I’d go away for a few days over Christmas. Then say I’m really sorry but we’ve decided to go away this year

OP, it's only a couple of days and she is your sister!
Spirit of goodwill.
Sharing love and embrace shared memories

Time to mix it up, OP. Say you want to spend your first Christmas alone and do it now so she can make arrangements.

If that bullet's too hard to bite, your sister should arrange her own transport.
And STFU about not liking your food from now on

I couldn't leave my sister alone at Xmas. I'd be happy for her to join us. Could you ask her to meet you at a restaurant at say noon. Then you'd have all morning alone together and she could come back with you after lunch for a few hours.

Cant you make new year a special tradition for you and your partner. It's a bit cruel to leave your sister on her own at christmas.

I’m going against the grain here but she is an adult and should be able to get through Dec 25th without you.

I kind of can't understand not wanting to get together, especially when you enjoy your guests and they contribute.
But, there is also nothing wrong with wanting some alone time. So, the best course is to say that.

"Donna, Mark and I want to have a quiet, "just the two of us" Christmas this year. I'm giving you an early heads up, so you can make other plans."
🤷‍♀️

Maybe shorten the stay rather than ditch it completely. And let her arrange her own transport.

This.

I’d invite her for Christmas and then have another “Christmas” just you and your partner another day.

She sounds a very easy guest and cooking potatoes in vegetable oil doesn’t seem a huge imposition!
Edit - she should arrange her own transport though

I actually think you are not unreasonable it does look like it becomes a tradition ( and I wouldn’t like it either)
I’d say to her that you were planning to use Christmas break for redecorating so she wouldn’t be able to stay with you this year. Or that you are going away ( if you are)
But you do need to tell her this now, don’t wait until December.
added: and @Mumtobabyhavoc suggested a perfect text.

Bit mean to leave her out. I’d slightly inconvenience myself if it meant her not being alone. Surely you have the rest of the year alone!

Let’s hope you never end up in a similar situation one day.