AIBU not to invite my sister for Christmas

[GrinchyWhinge]

My sister and I live in a different country from the one we grew up in. She is single, I have a partner, and neither of us has children. At Christmas, she used to travel to the country we grew up in to spend the holiday with our relatives. However, for the last three years she has chosen to visit them at a different time of year and has instead spent Christmas with me and my partner. I think she now regards this as our new family tradition. The trouble is I don't want it to be. I find it physically and emotionally tiring.

For two of those years we lived in the same city. She doesn't have a car, so on Christmas Day my partner and I drove to pick her up in the morning, drove back to ours, hosted her all day, then drove her back home in the evening. We had no time to ourselves.

For one year we lived in different cities, so she took the train to us and stayed over from the day before Christmas Eve to the day after Boxing Day (at her request). Again, no time to ourselves.

My partner and I are about to move into a new home and would really like to spend our first Christmas in it on our own. We want to take things at our own pace and make our own traditions rather than spending all day (or several days) in host mode again.

My sister is mostly an easy-going guest, but she is vegetarian and we aren't, so we have to make sure there are veggie options, avoid roasting the potatoes in goose fat, etc. She is also quite a picky eater and will make it clear when she doesn't like something we've made her. My partner and I exchange Christmas stockings, and to prevent my sister feeling left out I've bought her a stocking and filled it with presents for the last few years so we can all unwrap things together.

She has always been very grateful for what we do for her and happily contributes to the costs, but the arrangement makes me feel less like a sibling and more like a parent. I'd like to take a year off, but if I tell my sister not to come she will almost certainly spend Christmas on her own. I feel guilty about this, but AIBU to want a break? And how do I tell her without hurting her feelings?

@GrinchyWhinge are you close with any of your relatives that she likes to visit during the year? Maybe you could have a word and ask one to invite her this year.

You and your partner will have countless days together in your new home. Not hosting your sister so you can have another day as a couple seems ridiculous to me. I’d never leave my sister alone on Christmas.

No way would I leave my sister alone at Christmas
But you do you

I suppose it’s about whether you think the ONLY thing that’s important as a person is your own happiness and what you want, or whether you think there’s something worthwhile about community. I think we have some responsibility to consider loved ones too.

Could you offer every other years or go to her for brunch, tea and cake, the evening, Boxing Day? Or could she come to you on Boxing Day?

Potatoes done in veg or sunflower oil are actually fine imo.

As for the veggie stuff - can she bring her own main thing she's going to eat?

Dd is veggie but is happy with veggie sausages in place of the meat.

Regarding the community thing why is it that single people hardly ever host?

I don’t think they NEVER host.

But IF single people host less, I suppose it be that when it’s one person paying the rent / mortgage then it’s more likely to be a smaller property - ie it harder to host in a flat versus a family home.

Not the case here as they pick up the sister, but I think often more sensible for the least number of people to travel.

It is perfectly fine. Christmas is a bullshit, made-up holiday to celebrate consumerism. If she chooses not to visit your parents, then she will have to put on her big-girl pants and stop caring about one day, just because 'society' decided that day was special somehow.

I would explain to her what you said about wanting your own space, your own traditions and to have a rest from hosting.

Give her plenty of notice and 'maybe' offer to help with plane tickets to get home.

And definitely offer to spend time with her between the 26th and New Year's - but maybe ask to visit her so she can experience hosting you.

I didn’t say NEVER I said hardly ever.

I couldnt leave my sister to have Christmas alone- and especially as she sounds like perfectly good company. If you picking her up etc is an issue why not suggest pre booked taxi etc. Im get moving in with a partner is exciting but I think you will regret doing that to your sister.

Think I’m going to wait until OP comments further/ gives reactions to some of the replies.

If you really don't want to do it, best to cut it off now.
If she never marries you could be setting yourself up for 50 years of this.

I agree that it seems needlessly cruel. Your partner may not stick around but your sister will always be your sister. Could you now have a 'fake' Christmas day the two of you alone on Xmas eve or Boxing Day and then go out for lunch Xmas Day? I am an introvert so I get your feelings but this seems so selfish.

I see the "be kind" mob are out

if a fake christmas is just as good as a real one, why not have a fake christmas with the sister?

As someone with a large family, this is wild to me. I can’t imagine my sister being on her own.

I've lived on my own for years. My sister has never expressed any interest in seeing me at Christmas. I can't say that I'm over bothered about it but of course this lady might feel differently.

It would be the driving to get her and then driving to take her home at night (plus her making to clear what food you cooked she doesn’t like!) that would annoy me the most. No Xmas sherry?!

Finding the hosting exhausting is a genuine reason to make a change this year, and I would talk about this with her. Say you don’t want to host at more as it means you don’t get to enjoy the day. Suggest she hosts for once, or you meet somewhere for lunch (each paying for yourselves!).

Ask her to host this year? I don’t get this whole need to be on your own thing though. Surely that’s every other day of the year.

Perhaps there’s a compromise that you could try this year eg ‘we’d be happy to host again but would prefer not to travel this year, you’re welcome any time from midday’. You could even ask her to pitch in with a veggie main (as a guest / veggie I’d be more than happy with that). Then you and your partner can have a morning together with stockings and don’t have to go and pick her up - I don’t think her lack of driving needs to be your responsibility as well as hosting. Presumably if you’re in a city then a taxi is still an option, even if it is more costly? The ball is then in her court if she would like to accept. After running around for years myself, this is similar to what I’m doing this year: I’m happy to host, but that means I get to choose the terms.

Are the relatives abroad parents/siblings or more distant?

What would you expect to happen if you broke up in future?

No I wouldnt leave my sister alone at Christmas unless we didnt get on. I would have my couple traditions on Christmas eve and boxing day.

If you have a DH and 2 DC you already are 'with family' this year.

Invite other people if you want, but don't make out that it can't be Christmas because it's only the 4 of you.

As it happens we have at times had friends come for Christmas, either single or couples, but I didn't go actively looking for people at a loose end, and I never, ever get into reciprocal or alternating years Christmas hosting, but @GrinchyWhinge you need to speak to your sister, because you have got into a pattern. Have clear in your mind first what you're prepared to offer /if there is any compromise to be had.